What the fuck was that?

Did you people hear that? The boom! The fucking boom! Come on, I know you two-legged freaks can't hear shit, but even you must—

HOLY SHIT! I told you! Run away! Move your asses! Wha—why are you laughing? How can you laugh at a time like this? Christ almighty, the sky is roaring like a fucking demon—stop pointing at me and run for your lives! Are you insane? Even the cat is hiding, and she's a goddamn idiot! Cat! Let me in with y— OK, claws, claws, I am sorry. That is your bunker; I will find another.

Shit. Motherfucking plastic shit bags, there's nowhere to run. Tables and chairs cannot protect me—the horrible noise will find me anywhere I go. I'm going to die. I can't believe I'm going to die. I've barely even lived! I just finished obedience school! Yes, I DID finish it, asshole—they stopped taking me, so that means I finished. Don't you fucking dare laugh at me, cat, because your little hidey-hole won't do you any good. This is the apocalypse; there's no escape.

Fuck. Come on, be tough. Stand your ground. You're a vicious beast, descendent of wolves. A killer in a rhinestone collar. Grr. You people thought it was badass when I ripped that squirrel in half and rolled in it afterward? Well, wait 'til you—what? You weren't there! I caught that little fucker; it wasn't dead already. You know what? Fuck you, man. Watch this. I'm gonna rip this punk apart like a bacon-flavored squeaky toy—

Nope. Nope, fuck that. It ain't gonna happen. We're all going to die.

That's it, I'm going to poop. I am going to poop, but I will not go outside to do it. I don't care if you call me a bad dog, I don't care if you smack me with a whole forest full of newspapers, I will die out there, so I will poop right here on your fucking shoes if I have to. I'm sorry, but it is coming. If you sick bastards hadn't robbed me of my testicles, they would have sucked right up into my body like a turtle pulling back into its shell, I'm so terrified. There are lights in the sky that do NOT belong there, and the furious roar of eldritch beasts beyond all comprehension. Someone—no, someTHING—has ripped a hole in the sky and is coming through.

Dear God… The Great Old Ones! Horrible demons outside of space and time. Great Cthulhu rises from the deep, and dread Yog Sothoth has shattered the sky! The lights, the terrible noise, it all makes sense—the final war between the Elder Gods and Old Ones is at last upon us. Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn! We are so completely fucked. You people have no idea just how fucked we are, do you? Christ, you're worse than the fucking cat!

You see? You see, I told you it was coming! That's what you get for laughing at me, fuckers. Just try to get that stain out. I hope those were new shoes.

No! Don't get up! What the fuck are you doing? Don't go to the window! It's not fucking pretty, you imbeciles! Don't look at it! To look upon the thing is madness! You fools! The crack in the sky! Iä! Iä! They are coming through and they will kill us all!

AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


And now a quick joke...

Given the choice, I’ll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.