Aires
A challenging month for Aires, as a bleeding nose leads to a surprising self-diagnosis of Ebola. The discovery of a solitary butt-pimple will start a medical journey that ends in divorce and prison time.
Taurus
Love is in the air this month. Taureans will meet a tall dark stranger who will get their heart racing—raising concerns about their coronary health. A lack of medical training or expertise will be no obstacle to twin self-diagnoses of cardiovascular disease and diabetic bearded-woman syndrome.
Gemini
This month, Geminis will ask themselves: “is my recent weight gain due to extra portions and double carbs, or have I contracted elephantiasis?” A teary, all-night web session looking up porn and medical journals will result in more questions than answers.
Cancer
With Jupiter in retrograde, Cancers will take a journey of self-reflection. Time will be well-spent examining every inch of their naked body in the frenzied quest for a quasi-suspicious looking mole before a self-diagnosis of malignant melanoma leads to a nihilistic, 51-state crime spree.
Leo
Leos will feel like dancing this month, after diagnosing themselves with a new variant of the 16th-century Dancing Plague. Tap shoes on, this energetic sign will jive, twist, and moonwalk into exhaustion and near-death in front of horrified friends and family before discovering their real ailment: ringworm.
Virgo
This month, pesky Mars will ignite a latent Virgo fear that there is something seriously wrong with them. After initial searches for symptoms and diseases prove inconclusive, Virgos will manifest into existence a particularly nasty case of psychosomatic gonorrhea.
Libra
Librans will be in the mood to spend big this month but will be torn between a bulk purchase of magnesium supplements to address a self-diagnosed magnesium deficiency or iron supplements for a self-diagnosed iron deficiency. Buying both, as well as a bunch of other random medications from an online pharmacy, will both calm and amplify their anxiety.
Scorpio
After an online symptom check confirms they're unlikely to live beyond the month, Scorpios will pass their days binging on reruns of Mystery Diagnosis until their wife forces them to go back to work.
Sagittarius
Sagittarians will celebrate a PB this month upon discovering they have some variant of every disease known to man. Sagittarians will take time to celebrate this occasion by trying to find a doctor who will still take their calls.
Capricorn
Capricorns will be scratching their heads upon discovering that they’re no longer displaying symptoms of pulmonary embolism. After abandoning the traitorous symptom checker, they will punch a wall in frustration and then diagnose their injured knuckles as hand rheumatoid arthritis.
Aquarius
With Mercury rising, Aquarians will have a harder time than usual convincing old acquaintances they’re dying of an incredibly rare botfly disease. A visit to a local nursing home will result in new acquaintances willing to listen to their extensive and complex medical problems.
Pisces
This month, Mars is a powerful presence for Pisceans, leading to an intense desire to research “trembling fingers + burning crotch” at three in the morning. Without wanting to, Pisceans will find the whole experience strangely erotic.