1. Maintain a masculine image.

Facing unemployment is rather difficult. Not only are you worried about your financial situation, but you also lose your sense of self-worth because you have absolutely nothing to do. Needless to say, it is a challenge to your self-esteem.

If you are a man facing unemployment, you need to take certain steps to keep up your manly image. It's a tough world, but you are a tough man; make sure you project that confidence.

The next time you drive down the road past all those mean-looking road construction workers in your mother's Honda Civic while listening to the song "Only Girl in The World" by Rihanna…don't turn the song down or roll up the window. Be a man. Make sure your windows are down, and crank up the volume. Let those road construction workers know that you are a man who is not ashamed of himself or his taste in music:

"I want you to love me…like I'm a hot ride…."
"Keep thinkin' of me…doin' what you like…."

2. After successfully projecting the masculine image described above, apply for a job with your local road construction company.

3. Don't drink too much.

Drinking is not going to solve your problems. It will only make you feel better about yourself, lessen your frustration about all the rejection letters you keep getting from potential employers, reduce your anxiety about the horrible situation you're in, and help you get through day after day of excruciating boredom. You certainly don't want that. You need to be fully sober and alert so that you can pay attention to every single word your parents say as they continually express their disappointment in you while you live in their basement.

4. Make a list of concrete and specific goals.

Goal #1: Maintain continual awareness of happenings and occurrences.
Goal #2: Project outward determination to persevere with dedication.
Goal #3: Remain sufficiently objective during subjective circumstances.
Goal #4: Become deficiently subjective during objective circumstances…but only if necessary.
Goal #5: Avoid deconstructive belligerence at all costs.
Goal #6: Pursue situations that lead to spontaneous outbursts of truculent incongruence.
Goal #7: Withdraw from thoughts that inevitably lead to needless, hyperactive absurdity.

5. Enjoy daytime television programs.

There are plenty of exciting programs on television every day that you simply do not have an opportunity to watch if you are employed. These programs are not only interesting, but educational and informative as well. Try shows like:

Teenagers Who Accidentally Die While Masturbating
Moving On: Grieving Parents of Teenagers Who Accidentally Die While Masturbating
Wealthy, Horny, Overweight, Elderly Women and the Young Men They Seduce
Unwealthy, Horny, Overweight, Elderly Women and the Young Men They Terrorize
Pre-Industrial European Pottery Designs: Man-Made or Alien-Inspired?
Tenured University Professors Gone Wild

…and last but not least…

A History of Soup Can Labels: 1962-2012

6. If you don't enjoy daytime television programs, listen to the radio.

Let's face it. Not everyone is going to enjoy watching the television programs listed above. Some people would prefer to listen to music. If you don't find daytime television stimulating enough, you always have access to the radio. Many of today's popular songs contain lyrical depth of a profound magnitude that will appeal to your emotional and intellectual curiosity.

Oh…baby, baby…baby, baby
I want you…baby, baby…baby, baby
I need you…baby, baby…baby, baby
You know it…baby, baby…baby, baby
I know it…baby, baby…baby, baby
You know I want it…baby, baby…baby, baby
What are you waiting for?…baby, baby…baby, baby
You rock my world…baby, baby…baby, baby

7. Tell your friends they can finally post "get-together" messages on your Facebook wall rather than your inbox.

Some people are connected to every single person they know on Facebook….including all of their co-workers, and perhaps even their boss. If you are one of those people who has about 10,000 friends on Facebook, you finally no longer have to worry about the messages that your "real" friends send you when they want to get together. Since you are no longer employed, you can tell your "real" friends to go ahead and post their messages on your Facebook wall instead of using the inbox.

"Hey James…ya rotten, fuckin, slimy, douchebag, son-of-bitch, cock-sucker….how the hell are ya? Say, a bunch of us are going to get together this weekend for a guys trip. We're going to go up to the woods with about 30 cases of beer and some dope I recently scored from an old college buddy of mine. Hey, you remember Craig? Yeah, that crazy, goofy bastard is going to be there, too. I say we get him really drunk, bend him over on a tree stump, and take turns fucking him up the ass….just for old time's sake. Ahahahahaha. Either way, it should be a good time, so quit jerking yourself off in your parent's basement and come join us.  I'll be in town later this week. Give me a holler. -Dave"

8. When you become gainfully employed once again, make sure to delete all of your "real" friends from Facebook.

9. Write that novel you always talked about writing.

Unemployment is not necessarily a curse. Sometimes it can be a gift. Now, you finally have the opportunity to write that 550-page novel about two friends who get stuck in an elevator together. The elevator stops, and they both go through an initial period of panic. Afterwards, they eventually sit down and start to deeply reflect on their lives. They laugh about old childhood memories; they share deep secrets; they talk about how adulthood has changed them; and they discuss the challenges of love, family, and career.

However, after a certain length of time, they begin to realize that they only became friends in the first place because they were both outcasts in school, and nobody else would hang out with them. Right as they attain the horrible realization that they actually have nothing in common and that they don't even like each other at all, the elevator becomes unhinged and plummets all the way down to the ground floor. Because the elevator had stopped between the 78th and 79th floor of an abnormally tall building, both friends smash mercilessly through the ceiling of the elevator and become permanently mangled in the elevator shaft in such a manner that their bodies cannot be recovered for proper burial.

You can call the title of your novel, "The Elevator." If you are unemployed for a long enough period, you may even have time to write the sequel: "The Elevator, Part II: Going Down."

Elevator door
Hey wait…can you hold that elevator?

10. Enjoy your temporary unemployment and refrain from murdering people when they make the following statement: "Hey, such-and-such is hiring….you should try to get your foot in the door."

Chances are, your last job was probably soul-draining, abusive, and horrible. Whether you quit intentionally or got fired, you have escaped one version of Hell…and now people are immediately recommending that you join another version of Hell.

Instead of murdering them, or even getting angry, simply reply:

"Yeah, I'll get my foot in the door…AS LONG AS THE DOOR IS YOUR ASS."

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.