The Venerable Spectrum Communications Company
My dearest Edward,
I apologize for the bright-red all-capital letters in which I printed the words “URGENT: TIME-SENSITIVE PAYMENT ISSUE” on the envelope of this missive, but I absolutely needed you to open it, as it contains the most enticing of offers.
You may perhaps recall the sheer giddiness we felt last January when we spent a winter’s evening bundled together in the stables at my father’s farm? My hope is that you experience a similar sense of unbridled joy when you realize you can bundle your Spectrum telephone service with indoor plumbing and gas lighting for a mere $24.99 per month. Nestled together as a “triple play,” your home services shall be as cozy as we were amongst the horses on that frigid midwinter night, and with the money you save, you might afford that cholera medication for your ailing sister.
I hope that she is faring well, and I hope that you will take advantage of this offer, as it is valid only for a limited time.
The Shoppe for Bed Goods, Bath Goods, & Beyond Goods
My beloved Rachel,
I write to you this day with glad tidings: as a result of your continued loyalty, I wish to present to you a reward: 20% off any single item at my Shoppe for Bed Goods, Bath Goods, & Beyond Goods. I so enjoyed our recent conversation regarding your love of horseback riding, and I hope to replicate the sense of freedom you described feeling when you are sat astride a horse by offering you a choice between a pair of methods by which to claim your gift.
Firstly, you may redeem the coupon in-store simply by bringing this letter to your nearest Bed Goods, Bath Goods, & Beyond Goods location. And secondly, you may redeem the coupon on-line—that is to say, you may place an order via telegraph line and have your Bed Good, Bath Good, or Beyond Good delivered to you.
I hope to have the opportunity to converse with you again soon, as it was the highlight of my summer at the seaside. In the meantime, I must insist in the name of our exclusivity that this offer not be combined with any other offers or discounts.
To my most enterprising Archie,
I find my thoughts drifting almost daily to the last time we lay in each other’s arms, that sublime evening when the sheer fervor of our longing transmuted our passions into a physical act that overwhelmed us both until we gasped for air and collapsed, exhausted and utterly satisfied.
I write to you today because I believe I may have found something else that might satisfy you just as utterly: a promotional deal offered by Wells Fargo. I have just spoken to my uncle Henry Wells, whose bank has recently entered the lucrative market of mail delivery by purchasing several hundred thousand horses to deliver postage by stagecoach. Such magnificent beasts horses are!
At any rate, Uncle Henry has agreed to share the bank’s new bounty by giving entrepreneurs such as yourself $500 cash back when they open a business checking account with Wells Fargo this month. Perhaps now you can finally open that cobblery of which you always speak! Just make sure that when you open the account, you maintain a minimum account balance of $50,000 for six fortnights. Also, remember to shout the secret code “BUSINESS!” at the teller so they know to apply the deal.
Oh Archie, how fortuitous this could be for your noble dreams of shoe-mending! I am near certain you have not banked with my uncle before, but it is worth mentioning that this offer shall only be valid for first-time customers.
I look forward to your response nearly as much as I look forward to our next chance to make each other tremble with glistening passion—perhaps at the Harvest Festival later this month!
The University of California, Santa Barbara
To my stalwart Samuel,
I know it has been some time since we have spoken—some time since you graduated from university, some time since we spent a spring afternoon picnicking on the verdant lawn of the south campus, some time since we melted together for an entire summer, our constantly intertwining bodies generating a heat to rival that of the unrelenting sun. I know that you are married now.
But I reach back out to you across the years with a desperate plea: donate to your alma mater. The University of California, Santa Barbara is in dire straits. Its operating budget is facing a severe shortfall, and your donation is utterly vital to its continued financial viability. You know I would usually go to my brother with a request like this, but after he tragically fell from a horse at our family reunion last week I fear he shan’t be able to provide for us, the University of California Santa Barbara, much longer.
This ought to go without saying, Samuel, but it bears repeating: I hate horses. They are dreadful demons whose every whicker is a plague on God’s green earth. If their whole blighted species were struck from existence it would be a blessing.
I apologize for my digression; the long and the short of it is that UCSB needs your money, and so I entreat you: find it in your heart to give, and as a token of my gratitude I will send you a pin that you can put on your hat. You may give one time, or set up a recurring monthly donation if you wish to show that our time together meant as much to you as it did to me.
With great affection toward you, and great hatred toward horses,
P.S.: Give my best to your wife.