What’s Nedflix?
Named after our founder and sole proprietor Ned Haskins, Nedflix is an exciting new alternative to streaming video that brings films and TV shows directly into your living room on DVD, VHS, and LaserDisc.
How does it work?
Whereas typical video-on-demand services deliver video content via your internet connection, Nedflix’s “rolling library” delivers video content via four hard-shell rolling suitcases lashed together with bungee cords.
Do you have an app or website?
No need! Simply place your order by sending a message to Ned’s dedicated pager and in 1-6 hours you’ll be good to go, provided no one else is using the service, tunnel traffic isn’t too crazy, and Ned can find parking for his 36-foot “Cinebago.”
How do I sign up?
With Nedflix there’s no need to enter credit card details or sign complicated subscription terms. The only contract Ned requires is direct eye contact and a firm, one-pump handshake.
What if I don’t have a DVD player or VCR?
We have all the gear. Since Ned’s not as young as he used to be, he may ask for a hand bringing in his cables, large venue projector, and proprietary speaker system. Setup takes roughly an hour and you’ll be ready to select your title and press “play” once Ned catches his breath.
Is password sharing allowed?
Yes! Feel free to share your Nedflix password with friends and family so they can whisper it into Ned’s good ear.
What if I forget my password?
Ned will ask you a series of security questions such as your favorite discontinued video format.
What if Ned forgets my password?
You will be permanently locked out of the system.
Can I change my password?
No.
How much does Nedflix cost?
We charge a flat fee of $3.99 per video plus $8.99 for gas and tolls (provided Ned can’t find a toll-free service road). With Nedflix the only “hidden costs” are that Ned may help himself to something from your fridge if his blood sugar gets low. If you’re worried this will interfere with your viewing experience, don’t be! Ned is a quiet chewer.
Wait, Ned’s going to watch the movie with me?
Ned’s presence during your viewing experience allows him to toggle special features that streaming can’t offer, like deleted scenes and Ned’s own live commentary track. After over 30 years working as a film set electrician Ned can tell you with authority which directors are real pieces of work and which are solid dudes.
How does your selection compare to Amazon or HBO?
Nedflix has thousands of titles ranging from Oppenheimer, to Billy Blank’s Tae Bo: Fat-Blasting Cardio, to Haskins Family Barbecue ‘87. Whereas the big streamers offer a fluctuating selection of titles, we actually own our content because Ned sources it all himself from various thrift stores, estate sales, and rain-soaked cardboard boxes marked “FREE” and “BUGS!”
Do you have rare and foreign films?
Yes! Including the banned version of Amelie.
Do you have kids movies?
Yes, but only Steamboat Willie.
Do you have Marvel movies?
No.
What about adult films?
At Nedflix we take your privacy seriously. If you want to enjoy one of our adults-only titles, rest assured that, while Ned will remain in the room, he will wear a 100% light-blocking sleep mask and remove his hearing aids while you are “making popcorn.” When you’re done just give him a gentle tap on the head to resume service.
How do I cancel Nedflix?
It’s still a free country, last time Ned checked. To unsubscribe from Nedflix simply help Ned load out his gear, shake his hand one more time, and direct him as he backs the ‘Bago out into the street. Then just give him a quick wave and he’ll give you a soft honk, completing your cancellation.
You’ll be able to tell from the way Ned is squinting, but definitely not crying, that he’s sorry to see you go.