Hey, girl! It’s me, your Childhood Boy Band Crush, and I’ve got some amazing news: I’m finally available to date you.
Believe it or not, I still have all three-hundred-and-twenty-seven of your fan letters from 1997—kick-ass Lisa Frank stationary, by the way—and I’m really sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. The last few decades have been jam-packed with world tours, NDA’ing former hair stylists, and crashing ayahuasca retreats. But now that I’m cruising into my mid-40s, my schedule is wide open, and I’m ready to give you my all. Just like in my classic billboard single, “I’m Ready To Give You My All!”
You and I are meant to be. It's fate! On March 4, 1997, you wrote that you love puppies. Well, I have a Romanian Rottweiler named Bone-Crusher, and he is going to love you! He’s a pretty chill little dude, but I do feed him a strict diet of anything-he-kills-in-the-wild. Which leads me to the next reason we’re perfect for each other:
On May 27, 1997, you mentioned camping as a hobby. Amazing! I live in a two-person tent in Bemis Woods just a few miles from your place. I’m not stalking you or anything, it’s just that, when I finally got around to reading your letters—well, a two-person tent is pretty easy to relocate. Just like twelve-year-old-gymnast-you, I am flexible!
Speaking of flexibility, what are your thoughts on digging into that ol' 401k of yours a little early? I’d love to travel the world together and show you my favorite places! On June 31, 1997, you wrote that Hot Topic was your favorite store. Well, there’s this Hot Topic in Berlin that I think you’ll really dig. They still sell my old t-shirts there—I am very big in Berlin. Unfortunately, Berlin has pretty strict camping laws.
While we’re on the topic of laws, I should probably mention that I’m legally obligated to hang out with my kids twice a year. Don’t worry, they’re super sweet—Romulus is a whiz with a crossbow, and little Poppy is a very accomplished welder! We always have a great time together. I know you LOVE kids—as of July 8, 1997, you were two books shy of the complete Babysitter’s Club box set!
And the best part? The kids live right down the road from my favorite ax-throwing joint. How does a romantic afternoon of PBR and chucking ax sound? On August 28, 1997, you mentioned playing darts in Stevie’s basement—this is basically darts, but better! Besides, we should probably brush up our ax skills before we head back into the woods.
What do you say we make this official?! On October 13, 1997, you said that you’d be willing to tattoo my name across your heart. I am very into that idea. It has a certain air of legal permanence to it, don’t you think? I’d love to reciprocate, but unfortunately I have a strong religious objection to tattoos. And gigantic needles make me a little bit woozy.
We are going to be so, so happy together, babe, forever and ever and ever. Just like in my classic billboard single: “We Are Going To Be So, So Happy Together, Babe, Forever And Ever And Ever!” That one went multi-platinum!
And hey, while I’m thinking of it, could you slide me your social security numero? I have this stuffy old business manager, BabyFace Jonez, and he gets a little squirmy about who I fall head over heels for. He just wants to run a few background checks and make sure I’m not crushing on any fame-hunters, you know? Like you could ever be! As of November 5, 1997, your little brother Chaz beat you at Sega Deer Hunter every time!
So, yeah, I’ll take that social security number whenever you’re ready. Nice and slow, please. Perrrrrfect.
Wow, the way you just delivered that nine-number sequence—the rhythm, the cadence, the undeniable BOP…
Damn, girl. I think I just fell in love. Just like in my classic billboard single, “Damn, Girl, I Think I Just Fell In Love.” That one scored me a Kid’s Choice Award!
Will you write that number down for me, though? Just in case? xoxo