Don't listen to what the casting director told your agent. Idiots, both of them. In here, we play by my rules. Welcome to jungle de la Steve.

I ain't here to hold your hand bub, this game is survival of the fittest. You're the lamb, and I'm the shepherd and the puma. Brought your script did you? Great. Tear it up. We're going off the dome baby, you don't get a script in real life. Let's start halfway down the second page.

HEY! Don't pick it back up, use your memory. It's your line, go go go go go.

Pathetic. What do you mean I'm distracting? You know what's distracting? Being on set with the light and sound crews jawing back and forth while the director swears at you for over-enunciating! If you can't cook, stay off the heat baby. It's my job to find the guy who can hack it, the guy who can storm the set like a bolt of lightning and flash the place. Wait, put your shirt back on, I didn't mean it like that. I'm liable to get slapped with another suspension if you keep acting up. I want you to act act, not act, you know?

Ok, let's start again. Three-two-one!

G'day mate, ya wanna go fo a swyym in the rivah?

Why'd you stop? Yes, I'm doing an accent. No, it's not in the script. You gotta be prepared for these things, these big-shot Hollywood divas come in and do whatever they want and you have to adapt. If that means that your scene takes place in Australia all of a sudden, you figure. It. Out.

Alright, reset, let's go again. Mind standing on your tip toes for this one? I have the shot framed perfectly except you're a bit too short, I'm only getting you from the nose up. No, I can't turn the camera down, I've achieved a perfectly symmetrical shot. I'm kind of hoping that the casting director will notice I've been taking some late-night film classes and maybe slide me a videographer position somewhere down the line.

Alright, last time's the charm, let's do this thing. Just scooch over a bit and make some room for me camera left, okay? I'm going to slide into frame this time. Let's really nail this thing home, maybe we both get a role, hey? How fun is that? I can't believe our chemistry out here, it's insane man, I love it.

Great stuff, that's the take. Don't worry about those flubbed lines, literally no-one will notice at all. I'm just watching the play back here, and yeah, I'm framed perfectly. You would be too if you did the toes thing I talked about, but it's good, it's good, no worries. They have your headshot, they know what your chin looks like.

Check you later bud. Hey, by the way, if you get cast in this thing put in a good word for me, would you? We're all in this together man, one hand washes the other, you know what I'm saying? Thanks dude, it's been an absolute pleasure. See you on set! Ha ha! Just kidding, they picked the actor for this role a month ago, peace out brother, send in the next guy for me.