While wandering the earth in pursuit of science and discovery, I’ve searched for the light in the dark, the music in the math, the meaning to the hit ABC series Lost. I’ve been fortunate enough to find the answers to many of these endeavors. However, one puzzle I cannot complete by myself is going into my light. I am tormented by having the unfinished business of needing all living people to believe the earth is round.

Which is what is bringing me here, to your Flat Earth Reddit page. Your voracity for learning is only outmatched by your voracity for making wooden flat earth tables. You, like me, are smart, quizzical, disputably virgins. I know there have been hours of meetings in your great aunt’s finished basements full of important flat earth questions. Allow me to answer a few:

“If the earth is round, why are roads straight?” The earth is large.

“Why don’t we see stars moving?” Again, space is pretty large, do you not understand perspective?

“Why is the town in the Clifford series SO DANG SMALL?!?!” The dog is LARGE dammit!!

You might have noticed at this point in your meetings, the flickering of lights, changes in temperature, the quiet sobbing of an old Greek man ready to leave this realm. I don’t know how to get through to you. I come to you, scientist to “scientist” and beg that you see reason. I understand the desire to explore the unknown. The glory that comes with discovery. Heck! People of my time didn’t believe a2 + b2 = c2, and now teenagers all over the world are failing quizzes if they don’t remember my name.

However, I did not seek out the answers to prove my beliefs. Instead, I formed my beliefs from the answers I uncovered. This is what separates you from me.

This leads me to my final statement. In my time as a specter, I have learned some new tricks. This is my final warning to you flat earthers: delete your flat earth YouTube, burn your flat earth tables, and destroy all remnants of flat earth “culture.” If you do not, I will bring upon you the wrath of not one, but many dead scientists.

That’s right. We’re all here. Ben Franklin, Nikola Tesla, Elon Musk’s integrity. We all have unfinished business thanks to people like you and the decline of enlightenment. We sacrificed our precious lives to jettison the world into the 21st century and we will not have a group of “failure to launch” adults ruin it.

You have two weeks (14 days) from today to comply with our demands, or we will act. Thanks to Tesla and Franklin, we have discovered ways to manipulate the digital world you live in. We will lower your credit scores, delete your social security numbers, catfish you on Plenty of Fish (Yes, Franklin already knows how. It’s basically all he does online). The depths of our digital torture will know no bounds. You have brought this upon yourselves. All we want is to start our next lives. To have the same chance at unbridled ineptitude that you’ve all been given. Franklin wants to try Pizza Bites, Tesla wants an iPhone, Elon Musk's integrity wants a do-over.

We look forward to seeing the positive changes you make in the world, by deleting flat earth information and moving on with your lives. The faster you do that, the faster we can start ours.