I can see that the film is almost over, and you’re absolutely right. We do plan to circle the airport for another 80 minutes. But we’re about to start landing procedures, so you’ll need to fasten your seat belt, put up your tray table, and put away your laptop. Otherwise your seven years of indentured servitude for BudgetAirlines will start immediately upon landing.

I understand you’re on pins and needles to find out what happens in the 1997 masterpiece, The Titanic. But presumably the ship goes down.

I’m sorry sir, and there’s no reason to raise your voice, but I really am trying to help you. Didn’t you read the fine print before signing electronically that you agree to the terms and services? Item eight in particular?

“Any failure to follow the pilot’s instructions to fasten your seat belt and put up your tray table after the captain begins landing procedures will result in a minimum penalty of seven years of indentured servitude, to be commenced upon disembarking the aircraft.”

Just below where it states that failure to check in exactly between five and six hours before the flight will result in a processing fee.

And right above the stipulation that the ticket price is retroactively adjustable according to urine weight added mid-flight.

You’ll recall that we discussed this when I met you outside the restroom door with my credit card machine.

Cabin crew, prepare for landing.

Ok sir, landing procedures have begun. You will be escorted from the plane by two of BudgetAirlines’ trained mercenary soldiers, fresh from the Crimea. From there your forced servitude will begin.

Following a series of aptitude tests, you will be placed according to your skill set.

For example, you might work in the marketing department. They tirelessly innovate new ways to extract money from customers, believing they’re flying at bargain basement prices from Grand Rapids to Sacramento, via hidden penalties and processing fees.

Math skills? You could join our engineers, meticulously working on novel designs to cram greater numbers of passengers into smaller and smaller aircraft.

Or perhaps our team of medical professionals and psychologists, who work to expand the boundaries of scientific knowledge of human suffering.

And don’t worry, if you don’t show promise in any of these areas. In fact, our largest team of indentured servants actually serves as subjects for the medical researchers.

Of course, you’re welcome to speak to your lawyer once you arrive at our top-secret training facility, fully surrounded by Alligator-infested swamp lands. But there really is no need. You see, you’ve already signed.

I myself am in year five. Of nine, actually. Two years were added when I tried to smoke in the lavatory. As you’ve no doubt surmised, I showed aptitude for people skills and compassion.

So from one BudgetAirlines team member to another, welcome aboard! No pun intended.

Now, please put your phone away, before anyone sees. I understand you want to call your wife and kids, but didn’t you read the penalty for turning off airplane mode before the captain has turned off the seat belt sign?