It’s been said that Republicans are all about money and power. It’s been insinuated that Republicans don’t care about people. Well, I’m here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Take me as an example.

I used to be selfish and unconcerned with the plight of the unfortunate; that was back when I was a floppy-fingered liberal trying to “fight the power.” I strutted and roared and shook my fists, but it was all just a silly pose. It was just my pathetic way of coping with the fact that my world was empty and without meaning. I was a nobody, a schmo, and so I adorned myself with the bloodied headband of the freedom fighter. Why be just another loser when you can be a savior of the oppressed?

It was all so romantic, but alas it was all a lie. I cared only for my own personal glorification.

My mouth was dry, my thoughts in disarray, and I had the most horrific headache.

Since becoming a Republican, I’ve learned the true meaning of the words “duty” and “compassion.” I’ve come to understand the value of sacrifice and the enrichment of the soul that comes only through giving. I’ve learned what our rich and powerful (and benevolent) corporate overlords have learned: money is just a byproduct of the purification of the soul, and it’s that purity that makes us Republicans special, not the money.

I’m always looking to enhance my aura of personal purity, so I’m always on the lookout for people who appear to be homeless. You never know when one of them might surprise you and pop out from behind a bush or a dumpster, so I keep special coupons in my eel leather carry-bag for just such occasions. Whenever I see one of those people I give them a special coupon. It’s good for one dollar off any latte at Starbucks. Also, after some inspirational words of encouragement and a virtual fist bump (not making actual physical contact), I leave them with a little booklet (I printed up myself) that explains the best ways to attract investment capital when you’re no longer homeless and ready to launch your own high-tech start-up.

Let me to relate to you an incident that took place not long ago. It happened early one chilly morning as I was walking down the street trying to gather my wits together after the previous evening of excess. Yes, I was suffering the ill effects of too much heaven the night before. My mouth was dry, my thoughts in disarray, and I had the most horrific headache.

I kept thinking, “Why must I suffer this torment? Why does my head betray me?” and I tell you, I was feeling so sorry for myself until I met a man who had no head.

He was standing alone, looking like maybe he could use a hand. I said to him, “Excuse me, man, but where’s your head? Maybe I can help.” Well, of course, not having a head he couldn’t respond, but I think you see my point.

Even in the simplest act of giving, we all gain something.

I’d like close with the words of the esteemed Indian poet and philosopher, Dr. Rasheed Hamanza Howzababy who said something that roughly translates to: “Don’t be a douche, give a hoot.”