By writer J.B. Hour
Every year you read about it in your school’s newspaper: “Some student dies because of alcohol poisoning,” or “somebody falls off a six-story balcony at that one apartment that has fucking awesome parties.” You probably think to yourself, “How the fuck does this happen? I drank three kegs myself last Saturday, I didn’t die.” I know, I’ve always wondered the same things.
I know firsthand how these things happen though, considering one of my best friends fell out of a third-story window our sophomore year of college. (Damage: one broken back and a missed semester.) Trust me, if you’ve ever fallen out of a window and survived, you NEVER get to live it down. It’s the ultimate trump card. Here’s how it goes:
Rob: Hey Mike, why don’t you try to wear an even gayer shirt tonight. I don’t think that one says, “I like guys in my ass” enough. Mike: Hey Rob, why don’t you stay away from windows tonight.
Rob: (Complete silence)
Mike: Hey Rob, why don’t you stay away from windows tonight.
It works every time. When I was a junior in college, this girl stepped off of a curb and got hit by a bus. She was pulled underneath it and killed. This happened right outside the building I lived in on the corner. It’s not that I don’t have any sympathy for her, or her family, because I do. But come on, it’s a fucking bus. It’s large and it doesn’t run in stealth mode. Now, I wish she would have seen it—I hate when accidents like this happen—but a bus? Come on.
About two years later, I found out from someone in her sorority that this girl used to get hit by cars all the time. Apparently she had a bad habit of just crossing the street, without looking.
Then there was the girl who fell off a seven-story balcony or something and landed on her face. She lived. Do you really want to survive that kind of fall? She landed on a rock, I think. Alcohol, needless to say, was involved.
Everybody knows the saying, “It could happen to any of us,” but I totally disagree. If I see a bus, I watch the fuck out. If I’m on a balcony, I tie a bungee cord to my pants. So, keep your eyes open, follow these simple rules, and you’ll make it out of college alive.
1. Balconies are NOT your friend. I know they seem really cool—you get to be outside and you can look down girls’ shirts from there—but what if they just fall off the building? Then what? Are you going to try the elevator trick where you jump right before it hits the ground? I didn’t think so.
Stay away from balconies, even if you’re sober. If your place has one, use caution tape so nobody goes near it.
2. Alcohol is your friend. However, sometimes your friend will push you into oncoming traffic for no apparent reason, or cause you to vomit in your own mouth and then swallow it, choking to death. I don’t really have any advice for surviving alcohol, except load up on all the lucky charms you can find… and I don’t mean the cereal, although it is delicious.
You’re going to drink. Don’t try to kid yourself. When you go out, you’re going to get D-stroyed. You might as well bring that horseshoe along to make sure you make it home alright. You can also try putting an anti-death spell on yourself too, but that would involve a level 12 Mage. Good luck finding one out on a Friday night.
3. Crazy bitches look good after a few drinks, but remember, their parents sent them far away to school for a reason: they don’t mind paying the out-of-state tuition as long as Melanie is away stalking you instead of spinning her head 360 degrees at the dinner table.
Try using a fake name, this way she won’t be able to look you up in the campus directory. If you can, take her back to your “frat house.” There are plenty of frat houses around that you can just wander in to. Just find a room nobody is in and do your thing. This way she doesn’t really know where you live. And when she comes back to the scene of the crime, she’ll find an unsuspecting frat douche to harass. See, you win twice.
4. Your asshole friend is always really funny when he drinks, but remember, he’s still an asshole. He’s been thinking of really dumb things to do on the weekend all week long. And sure, going to Wal-Mart and buying a slip ‘n slide at 2:30 in the morning and inviting all the drunk girls from the bar over for an after party is a GREAT idea. But deciding to throw rocks at cars that drive by your house is not. Who knows what kind of weapons those people are carrying. They could even be ninjas on their way to kill somebody. They probably have awesome Chinese throwing stars too.
Pick and choose your friends’ ideas carefully. There are a few gems in there, you just have to find them.
5. Don’t start fights at a bar. I know, that guy is wearing the same shirt as you. This doesn’t mean you should go over and try to rip it off his body exclaiming, “There’s only room for one of these shirts in this town.” Everybody shops at the Gap, you should accept that there are going to be nine dozen frat guys who have the same shirt as you.
Also, try not to stare at any girl for too long, you have no idea how big her boyfriend is, or where he is.
6. Girls, find a guy at the bar and make out with him immediately. By doing this, he’ll be forced to defend you should any other drunk guy attempt to hit on you, or even worse, rape you. Tell him he’s coming home with you and he’s going to get laid. From this point on, he will be extremely protective of you, and should any of those ninjas throw any of their awesome Chinese throwing stars at you, he’ll gladly step in front of you to protect your vagina. If you’re lucky enough to see me at the bar, make out with me immediately, as I am extremely badass and I will make sure you get home safely.
7. THIS MESSAGE IS INTENTED FOR GUYS ONLY, GIRLS DO NOT READ. Guys, under no circumstances should you get hit by awesome Chinese throwing stars. That’s ridiculous. I know what I said before, but that was bullshit.
If you follow these rules to a lowercase t, you’ll be sure to graduate in anywhere from 4-11 years, with all your extremities and a worthless degree… but at least you’ll be alive.