If you’re not completely satisfied with your recent purchase, we gladly accept returns of any item in unworn condition with original tags. Just follow these simple instructions, which should be easy for anyone who has their life remotely under control but which will take you nearly three months to complete.

1. Request a Return Label

  • Navigate to Account > Orders > Manage Orders > Returns.
  • Hit “Request Label” next to the item you wish to return.
  • Experience a flutter of doubt.
  • Recall why you were initially drawn to this item. It’s magnificent, like something a movie star would wear while vacationing in Mykonos. Sure, its aggressive print pushed the boundaries of your overall aesthetic, but wasn’t that the point? It’s a statement piece.
  • Remember that when you tried it on, it didn’t feel like a statement piece—it felt like a Halloween costume.
  • Resume the return process.
  • Realize that your printer’s broken.
  • Remember that you don’t have access to your work printer anymore.
  • Get discouraged and bail.
  • Wait several days.

2. Print Return Label

  • Order the cheapest printer you can find on Amazon, wait for it to arrive, and get it all set up.
  • Hit ⌘-P to print your return label.
  • Accidentally print the entire browser window in full color, ads and everything.
  • Notice an alert that your new printer is already running low on cyan.
  • Get discouraged and bail.
  • Wait a day.
  • Successfully print the return label and set it on your desk.
  • Forget about your return for 17 days, but don’t forget-forget about it—let this pending to-do occupy 11% of your brain the entire time..
  • Wake up one morning in a return-related panic.
  • Tell yourself that you’ll box up the shirt that night.
  • That night, start season one of The Great Pottery Throw Down and get really into it.
  • For three days, dedicate every spare hour to watching The Great Pottery Throw Down.
  • During a quiet moment in the season three finale of The Great Pottery Throw Down, pause the episode and shout, “I have to return that shirt tomorrow!”
  • Ask your partner to remind you to return that shirt tomorrow.
  • Accept that it’s not their responsibility. You’re an adult.
  • E-mail your personal account from your work account a message that just says “return shirt.”
  • A minute later, reflexively check your e-mail and read the message you just sent.
  • Wait three days.
  • E-mail your work account from your personal account a message that just says “TO DO FRIDAY: RETURN SHIRT.”
  • Wait several weeks.

3. Mail Your Return

  • Box up your shirt.
  • Move the box from a shelf in your closet to that little table in the hallway.
  • Move the box from that little table in the hallway to your dining room table.
  • For eleven days, eat all meals with the box on your dining room table.
  • Let the box become a fixture in your home. It’s a part of the decor now. It’s where the mail goes.
  • In a moment of weakness, unbox the shirt and try it on again.
  • Notice that you’re a thirty-four-year-old trying to dress like Billie Eilish.
  • Feel a renewed sense of resolve and box your shirt back up.
  • Realize you’re not totally sure how to actually mail something from your apartment—do you just leave it in the lobby? What if someone steals it?
  • Notice the other option is to take your return to a UPS Store location.
  • Get in your car and realize you should double-check that you’re still within the return window.
  • Navigate to Account > Orders > Manage Orders > Returns.
  • See that you’re on day eighty-nine of ninety. There’s no way it’ll get there in time.
  • Get discouraged and bail.
  • Enjoy your new shirt. It’s a statement piece.

And now a quick joke...

“May I have this dense?” the 350-pound groom asked his portly bride on the night of their wedding, which the two had decided would not be a scaled-back affair, but rather one of plump and circumference.