Congratulations! You are too high but you got off of the couch and safely made it to your local grocery store where you can make healthier and more affordable snack choices. Pat yourself on the back for this responsible adulting.

The first thing you will notice is that there are a lot of sober people at grocery stores. Many people who don’t smoke weed like to meal plan in service of others, whether it be their friends or families. Can they tell you’re stoned? They’re probably not even thinking of you but put your sunglasses on, your headphones in, and flip your hoodie up to be sure you go unnoticed.

Your next observation will be the cornucopia of options available to fulfill your specific craving. So. Many. Options. Where do you even start? This is usually when the regret for not ordering Chinese delivery sets in but you’re changing your ways. Stick to a plan: something salty, something sweet, and a produce item should get you through this experience fairly unscathed. Go hit those aisles!

If you haven’t been able to select any produce because you’re suspicious about the kid who’s staring at you, remember that you have your sunglasses on and your hoodie up, you tire fire! No, the kid doesn’t think you’re stoned but they definitely think you’re untrustworthy. Casually walk away and select your produce.

At some point, you will take your headphones out because you hear Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street.” You might think you’re going crazy because that song seems to play every time you come here but you’re not crazy. “Baker Street” plays twice a day at every grocery store in the nation. …Damn, this song is deep—maybe put your headphones back in if you’re having too many feelings.

Stick to the plan. Now is not the time to consider getting the ingredients for your mom’s lasagna recipe you’ve had for years but have never made. Call her tomorrow and tell her you almost made it.

Banana, barbecue chips, and Reese's… nice. You’re almost to the finish line; all you have to do is say a few words to the cashier and you’re on your way to re-watching The Sopranos for your fifth time. Can’t even swing that? That self-checkout line was made for people in your condition. Keep in mind that the self-checkout option comes with being monitored by an employee to ensure you’re not stealing. This policy applies to everyone but it’s broad daylight and you’re in a hoodie with sunglasses on inside like a fucking moron—you will definitely be met with extra attention. Pick your poison for this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. You’re so brave. You can do it! Everyone is rooting for you! This is your time to shine! Do something. Anything! You went to UC Berkeley!

You can always go home and order Chinese delivery if you’re having too many feelings.

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