Online dating doesn't follow the same rules as regular dating. You can holler at as many bitches as you want simultaneously because what shorty doesn't know can't hurt her. So many women and so little time makes it completely necessary to carpet bomb the inboxes of prospective mates with carefully constructed anecdotes based on volunteered profile information designed to give the impression that I actually took the time to read your unenlightened description of who you think you are and what you think you want. So what if you end up settling down with a woman who was under the impression that you were exclusively dating from day one, all the while spending lunch break on your cell phone trying to convince the girl with 17 piercings who takes pole dancing classes to text you a picture of her ass?

I submit to you ladies a list of suggestions in the interest of streamlining the online dating process so we men don't have to resort to dating multiple people while trying to find you. These quick and helpful tips will show you how to create an enticing dating profile that will allow men to quickly identify whether you possess the qualities and traits they're looking for. Following these steps will help you not be a lonely shut-in reduced to the pathetic embarrassment of online dating.

Always take pictures in low light or no light with a disposable camera from 1998 that has two exposures left which you found in a drawer near the microwave.Ugh, but I already know what you're going to say:

"But Michael, in today's fast-paced world of smart phones and microwaveable rice entrees, it has become increasingly difficult to meet new people. As an empowered, independent, career-oriented woman, online dating is a viable option for seeking a romantic partnership and is nothing to be ashamed about."

FALSE.

How do you think your ancestors got together before the internet? Your great-great-grandfather got off of a 17-hour shift at the sawmill and went down to the river to scrub the shit stains out of his only pair of underwear using a rock, when on the adjacent bank he saw a 12-year-old girl without polio. After exchanging glances from afar for the next several months, he traded her father a new barn door and a season toiling in the field for her hand in marriage. The first time they spoke to each other was on their wedding night. She had six children before he died of cholera at the age of 22, and then she remarried the next day. So fuck you and join a pottery class or some shit. We live in an age where is it socially acceptable to talk publicly with the opposite gender; embrace that freedom.

But since you probably aren't going to do that, here is my guide.

1. Pad your profile with contradictory adjectives and statements.

"I am an outgoing, shy, adventurous, cautious, independent person looking to share every part of my life with a spontaneous, reserved, animal rights activist with a hunting license who enjoys folk music and rap metal. Right now I am planning a cross country road trip to attend an environmental convention. Last year I organized a bus to an anarchy seminar, but the line to get tickets was really long and by the time I got to the front they were sold out of glossy programs."

2. Ask if I am willing to lie about where we met.

Delete love button"Hey kids, sit on this couch for nine seasons while I bore you. I met your mother in triage at the hospital. She was painfully awaiting surgery for a prolapsed uterus and third degree burns from trying to self-administer an exhaust pipe abortion. I was sitting across from her in a very uncomfortable position due to my foreskin and invisible braces being interwoven. Our eyes met and she winced the word ‘hi.' I, of course, couldn't respond due to my mouth being full of my own cock. She was admitted before I had a chance to scrawl my phone number in penis blood on the back of a Teen People magazine. Luckily I was able to bribe an orderly to let me rape her while she was anaesthetized. Oh, and your Legen-Uncle Barney is gay in real life so that's why it is somehow acceptable for him to be a womanizing role model for an entire generation, because it's ironic that he doesn't actually like vagina-dary."

Yeah, that's far less embarrassing than "we met online."

3. Surround yourself with friends who are hotter than you.

Let's face it, we aren't all beauty queens, but that shouldn't really matter. A lot of the time you could pass as a perfectly attractive individual, except you take pictures with your smoke show friends that make you, by comparison, less appealing. There is nothing worse than viewing the same 2-6 women in all of your profile pictures, each of which you have refused to identify yourself in, and having to play ugly girl Russian roulette. "I'm the one on the left." Was that so fucking hard?!

4. Claim you like video games, but keep in mind that anything on the Wii doesn't count.

Girl holding a Call of Duty boxSharing virtual activities such as shooting things, stabbing things, bludgeoning things, throwing magic at things, yelling at dragons, and killing the devil for the third time, only serve to strengthen a relationship. Couples who frag together, shag together. Oh, what's that, when you said you "play Call of Duty" you meant "spent five minutes in a match before throwing the controller on the ground and proclaiming how stupid the game was"? State that Ocarina of Time is the best video game ever made. When I agree, tiptoe around the embarrassing fact that you've never gotten past the Fire Temple, at which point I will proceed to never talk to you again.

5. Have a super awesome picture posing with Storm Troopers while wearing a Protoss t-shirt and then be dog dick fucking ugly.

I understand that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes straight to the bone. I believe that we are, at the core of our existence, essentially shallow beings. It is really hard to see "inner beauty" or the benefits of an agreeable personality when the first visual impression you make elicits screaming, profanity, and taking the Lord's name in vain.

6. Use animal onomatopoeia.

A display name or profile headline can be erotically spiced up with a "meowww" or "prrrrrrr." The thought of you being a sexy kitten instead of a middle-aged cat lady helps draw in the prospective mates. The only problem is, when reading typed out animal noises, I usually make a noise myself. "Flurph." It is the sound of my penis rapidly going flaccid.

7. Say you like the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Keep faithfully backing a losing horse year after year. This way I know you will stick by me when I get passed up for that promotion, or get arrested for distributing child pornography.

8. Incorporate "Live, Laugh, Love" into your shitty profile somehow.

Live love laugh tattoo on girl's belly
Bonus points for permanent commitment!
Men are attracted to deep, philosophical, enlightened women. Share that you have all of these qualities and more with 17 characters or less. The simplicity of LLL paints a picture reflecting who you are and what you have to offer. Unfortunately for both of us, the picture painted is that of an idiot.

9. Let people know that you do not enjoy drama.

This is helpful when selecting a movie for a first date, and also determining whether or not you are a hypocrite. People who talk about hating drama are usually the cause of, and perpetuators of, said dramas. Or at least that's what Sarah said about you.

10. Set the makeup shotgun to "whore."

Hiding something, or just insanely insecure? No matter, the amount of makeup you wear provides invaluable information. It acts as a barometer for how late we are going to be for everything and how often I will be purchasing new pillow cases.

11. Men love rules.

Be assertive and give us a list of behaviors and qualities you do not find attractive before instructing anyone who fits the description not to contact you. After we have spent the 3 seconds rationalizing how devastatingly awful it would be to spend even the smallest amount of time with you, we will still message the word "sup?" even though it was explicitly forbidden, because you are kinda hot.

12. A good photo can make or break the perfect first impression.

Below are a few tips:

  • Always take pictures in low light or no light with a disposable camera from 1998 that has two exposures left which you found in a drawer near the microwave. Cover the lens with plastic wrap to create that professional look.
  • All pictures should be taken in a bathroom mirror featuring a hideous shower curtain as the background.
  • Use "current" photographs with date stamps 04/09/2005.
  • Post androgynous pictures. Messaging a possible transvestite is gambling with your sexuality. "I'm attracted to this woman(?) but if it turns out to be a guy I'm gay."
  • Feature alcohol in every one of your 27 pictures while declaring you only drink "socially."
  • Have pictures of you doing something interesting. Like hugging your dog. Fascinating.
  • Make sure all pictures are out of focus or have the brightness and contrast cranked. It's the same as not having a picture at all: everyone just assumes you're ugly.
  • Take iceberg pics with your huge tits. Tricky camera angles and optical illusions may shed the pounds on camera, but you are still a fat chick.
  • Do that duck face thing. You know, when it looks like your mouth was replaced by a poached asshole?
  • Wear sweat pants. It's an easy way to convey the fact that you don't have a job without the embarrassment of putting "unemployed" or "student" under occupation.
  • Feature children/snakes, the only two things I am more afraid of than commitment. No one actually likes snakes, they just enjoy the negative attention for having snakes. Okay I get it, you're weird. Do not hesitate to let me know that your kids mean the world to you. I would never have guessed/expected that from a mother. I was hoping you would abandon them the second I wanted to go out for dinner and you couldn't find a sitter.

13. I want to hear about how many guys are interested in you.

That probably makes me jealous and now you are more desirable because of the competition. "Omg if I don't get back to you right away it's because I receive an inconceivably large amount of messages from countless men every single day. I am so pretty, perfect, and popular that I have been forced to hire a full time staff to sort through all of these date proposals. The average wait time for a response is 17 weeks. Happy fishing!"

14. Be 18.

Nothing spells "serious relationship" like a birthday in the mid-90's. Also make sure to act like online dating is your last chance at finding happiness, even though you have never been inside a book store or occupied a space not paid for by your parents. Some people may argue that shared life experience or mutual interest create the sparks of attraction; ignore them since you possess neither of those things with anyone over the age of… how old are you again? Oh yeah, you have nothing to contribute on any subject matter with anyone. Shouldn't you be texting or complaining about how unfair everything is instead of reading this?

15. Express interest in country music. *Flurph*

Try and pull one over on me by saying, "I'm looking for Mr. Right on behalf of my sister, or cousin, or mother, but definitely not me *tee hee.* See if you can win my approval by running the gauntlet of tests I have prepared in a sick and twisted Saw/Bachelorette-esque questionnaire based on my Disney-indoctrinated childhood perception of what love is since I still believe that I am a princess and I deserve Prince Charming even though I am a fucking noncontributing shallow narcissist walking around with an undeserving air of accomplishment because I have a BA in International Development yet still fold jeans at American Eagle. Because no one lies on the internet, except me, oh shit I'm going to be alone forever. Why am I still typing this?"

* * *

There you have it, girls. With this information you can shake the yoke of inauspicious stars condemning you to a life of unfulfillment and loneliness. Remember though, with great power comes great responsibly. Employing all of these tips in one online dating profile would essentially be like dividing by zero and could reduce the internet to a singularity.

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