I want to create the first ever honest dating profile, where I outline all the terrible attributes that make me a bad person and suggest the underlying psychological reasons why I am perpetually alone. We never get to uncover that information on the first few dates. Normally it takes years of torment in a psychologically abusive relationship to finally understand who the person you have already chosen to spend all that time with really is. I say cut to the chase. Why not give our potential partners the heads-up on everything they will eventually say about us during lengthy divorce proceedings? Let's be honest with ourselves and each other for once, especially on the internet.


Start by taking the least flattering photo possible in your dirty bathroom mirror.

Bathroom profile bad dating photo
Next time try standing behind the shower curtain.
Make sure to wear clothes you would never leave the house in, unless it was that time you lost your only pair of jeans somewhere downtown after getting blackout drunk the night before at the work staff party and you woke up late and had to take the bus that day because you left your car at the bar (thank god).

Physical Appearance

The most important first impression. The unflattering photo only paints half the picture of how pug fugly you are. Time to tell the tale of the tape.

I am 6'3" and 230lbs. It's all fat. My weight fluctuates between 230 and about 190 depending on what stage of yearly depression I'm in, probably caused by some undiagnosed mild bipolarism. I am 24 years old and balding. I have a unibrow that is tweezed daily and nose hair that is out of control. My body is decorated with five medium-large sized tattoos that many people consider stupid, which is funny because they are all either art or literature references. I have hair on my toes and I am devastatingly unattractive both at a distance and up close.

Hobbies and Interests

Things you care deeply for, that no one outside of your Warcraft guild gives a shit about.

Dating status: Single, Taken, SkyrimI have seven guitars in the room with me, none of which can I play with any proficiency. 50% of the books I own I have not read, and 75% of my hard drive is pornography. I love Star Wars, probably way more than I could ever love you. Does over-eating and not jogging count as a hobby? I find it really interesting to make situations as awkward as possible. Somehow being the cause of a terrible feeling gives me a sense of control. I play a lot of video games and am better at them then you will ever be. I really enjoy winning and I see everything as a challenge, so I guess a hobby of mine is being the best. Oh, and I have a bonsai tree that I don't take care of at all.


Showcase the idiosyncrasies that make you an object of interest to a potential partner, and one day an FBI investigation.

Michael Winston - single white maleAlienating those around me by having more knowledge on almost every possible topic of conversation through autodidacticism works as therapy for my rampant inferiority complex (getting to click "Add to dictionary" on a 7-syllable word also helps). I fall in love with women who I think are smarter than me, and out of love when I realize they are not. A lack of ambition coupled with what could only be described as a cocktail of lethargy and apathy usually combine to create a hostile environment regarding any conversation about future plans or activities. I like to think that my emotional availability is restricted to Wookies. The only thing I take seriously in life is comedy and I'm not even good at it.


The quality and attributes you look for in a prospective mate.

What I really need is a woman who understands the binary language of moisture vaporators, who can beat me in video games, who can stump me in Simpsons quotes, who can one up me in physics and math references, who can teach me how to dougie, who has access to a time machine so she can go back 24 years and lend my parents the money for an abortion, and whose shoulders I will be able to burden with the impossible task of being perfect because she is a 12-foot tall cyborg with a smile like Freddie Mercury and an ass like Lorne Michaels. In other words, a woman who doesn't exist. Or a woman who is just like my mother.

There. Honesty is the best policy. Now prepare to die alone. The truth in this exercise is to lie about everything you are; it is better that we all try to fit an image thought to be sought by everyone than to reveal the hideous reality. If we disguise our true selves then it will be easier for us to feel unfulfilled by the people in our lives and resent them for it.