By staff writer Chris Phelan

The following may or may not be a true story:

It's the middle of the summer, and you're in your apartment, typing away on AIM. You're pretty bored.

Why didn't I just go home for the summer like every other person in the world? Who would've guessed that [insert your college town here] turns into a ghost town once school lets out?

You're too depressed to realize that you answered your own question.

Holy crap. What's that?

You look through your bedroom window. You see something moving across the street. This thing has boobs.

Holy crap, it's a girl.

It's actually three girls.

So that's….


DING DING! The sexual metaphor truck has arrived, and you're about to get SERVED!

Six. Six boobs.

Whoa.

And that's when you realize it—the college equivalent of spotting the ice cream man approaching your block as you play tackle football in the street with the rest of the neighborhood kids: you have new neighbors. And they're smoking hot.

Suddenly your boring summer working for cashews at Applebee’s and trying to make sense of being the only college kid left in a five-mile radius of campus got a lot more interesting. Talking to friends on AIM? That’s sooo pre-hot neighbor. Try live, face-to-face talk…where at least one of the faces is smokin' hot. Imaginary orgies and sugar plums dancing in your head? No way. Try real orgies…with sugar plums dancing while you get head. When you think about it, the possibilities are endless. (Naked barbeques anyone?)

But enough thinking. It's time for action.

Here's a handy, do-it-yourself guide to winning over the hot new neighbors.

1. Don't panic.

Avoid the number one cardinal error made when one or more hot girls move in next door. Fight the urge to pump your fists wildly in the air like Jordan after sinking that shot over Ehlo. AND ESPECIALLY fight the urge to stare off into space like an emotionless serial killer like LeBron after hitting a game-winner.

In sum, keep your cool…or at least what's left of your cool after a marathon session of World of Warcraft, collegeboy.

2. Walk over there and introduce yourself…with style.

Girls like a guy who can take action. I know, I know, that’s not you. But you’re going to have to dig deep here. Remember, they’re hot, you’re desperate—time to bridge the gap. So, after greeting the newfound hotties and introducing yourself, start helping them unpack their cars. Girls like it when guys carry heavy boxes.

Girls also like it when guys are strong. So take that heavy box of hair supplies and just heave it to the ground. You're a man of action. Let them pick it up. As for yourself, move on to some lighter boxes.

3. Be funny.

You just met these girls, so you've got to start busting out your “A” material right off the bat. When one of them asks what your major is, go ahead and respond with “Major? I don't even KNOW her!” If they laugh, you're golden. Work in a “That's what she said” joke and soon you'll find yourself pinning two of them to the wall, one hand each, banging them back and forth, back and forth.

If, for some reason, they don't immediately respond to your comedic gold by laughing, just walk over to that box of hair supplies, pick it up, and
throw it even farther away. You're a man of action AND witty quips, dammit.

4. Find a reason to take your shirt off.

Phrases like, “Man, it's so humid out here,” and, “Shirts are for queers anyway,” are perfect icebreakers. What, you don't have a chest chiseled out of quartz? That’s okay, it's all about having the sans shirt confidence. Girls are instantly attracted to shirtless men regardless of their physique because the sight of nipples actually causes them to think of their own nipples, and that just flat-out turns them on. It's a simple cause-and-effect relationship. (And people say I don't understand women.)

Once you're shirtless, the only thing you’ve got to lose is your pants, so essentially you're 50% having sex with them right there.

5. Somehow, find a giant bucket of water—or better yet, a garden hose.

With a grin on your face that says, “I'm just a fun-loving guy,” and a massive hard-on that says, “This is so much better than getting off to youtube.com videos,” start lightly misting the girls with water. If possible, somehow slow down time and watch everything unfold in slow-motion.If the girls fail to respond to the water attack (either by acting disgusted or dressing themselves in waterproof clothing), go right to Plan B: take the giant bucket of water and start pummeling the girls in the face with it. Because let's face it, these butterfaces are probably all arrogant, self-involved whores anyway.

From here, there are really only two possible scenarios:

Scenario A: The soaking-wet, hot new neighbors are fighting over you. A catfight quickly ensues, and you set up a video camera and begin recording it as the girls simultaneously sign waivers allowing you to sell these videos during the fall semester.

You find beer in their car and watch them brawl for a little while. Then you have sex with all of them. They bestow on you the nickname “White Cyclops.” One of them agrees to be a steady pitcher for the rest of the summer whenever you feel like stepping outside for some wiffleball batting practice.

Wow, these new neighbors are awesome.

Scenario B: You are standing over three unconscious hot girls. You find beer in their car and head back to your apartment where you begin writing an article for pointsincase.com.

Please, don’t let this happen to you.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.