To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: HELP (Re: Rollout Of Menstruation Redesign)

Dear Michael,

I am writing to you on behalf of the Divine Redesign Committee. As you know, the DRC was formed in response to numerous complaints we angels have received from humans who have suffered due to God's early anatomical designs. Especially harrowing were the complaints we received from those with uteruses regarding their menstruation experiences. Out of compassion and a desire for more thoughtful design, the DRC chose human menstruation to be the subject of our first redesign project.

Are you aware that menstruation can last up to two weeks? I know that our omni-everything boss is obsessed with blood metaphors, but this seems a bit gratuitous. In addition to slowly oozing blood clots every month, these humans must also deal with cramps that make them feel like they're being squeezed to death by Goliath, mood swings that rival Jesus' synagogue meltdown, and insatiable cravings for a giant bowl filled with animal-style fries topped with Ferrero Rocher chocolate balls.

Michael, don't even get me started on the sanitary products. On second thought, I will get started on them. A box of organic cotton tampons is roughly ten dollars for a 32 count! That's almost enough to purchase two honey almond flat whites on Earth. We have honey almond flat white free-flowing on draft here in heaven. Down there, they have to pay for that stuff. It is cruel.

Our team of celestial scientists has finally created an elegant solution to menstruation that would put an end to these common problems. With the installation of our update, uterus-owning humans will be able to expel their unnecessary endometria in one quick, painless pass —sort of like shooting out a ball of jelly —that can easily be flushed down the toilet. No lingering stains. No heating pads. No squishy menstrual cups that go up and never come back down.

Distribution of the update only requires the human to pray with faith the size of a mustard seed. As you may or may not know, the mustard seed is not the smallest seed on Earth as Jesus seemed to imply, but it is quite small, so this task is easily achievable. Once faith has been confirmed, the update is automatically installed in the uterus. Each detail has been perfectly fine-tuned. We are ready for rollout. All we need is God's final stamp of approval, but He's dragging His feet similarly to the way He dragged Moses through the barren lands.

During our presentation, God kept interrupting by saying things like, “Well, don't forget Eve ate that apple that one time!” Michael, it's been  a damned long time since the apple thing. Jesus Christ, God.

We gave the compelling argument that our redesign would decrease human suffering by approximately 7 percent, and God kind of shrugged and asked, “Is that… what we want? I'm genuinely asking, because maybe that's not a super… good thing?”

“It would be a great thing,” I countered. “And then we could get started on other things like testicles and how they hang unprotected outside of the body!” which is when God shouted, “Don't you dare mess with balls!”

Rollout was scheduled for today, but we had no choice to push the date back another week. It has become clear that God is trying to impede the work of this committee, which is why I am pleading with you, Michael, to put an end to this tomfoolery. My biggest question at this point is, Does He even care?

Well, there's my answer. God just sent me a bush with flames spelling out the words: “Maybe I just don't care.”

I cannot be expected to bring the Divine Redesign Committee's goals to fruition if Mr. Don't-Mess-With-Swaying-Balls continues with His stubborn grasp on these antiquated designs. Too much blood has been shed. Michael, remember when I nominated you for “Hottest Archangel of All Eternity, Respectfully”? Seriously, you owe me.

In Him, I suppose

Divine Redesign Committee