I hate to be a killjoy, or the bearer of bad news right off the bat, but there is something you should know: although we have some of the greatest professors here at Michigan State, there are a quite a few that could be compared to Glorious Lord Satan himself.

Every semester course enrollment turns into a game of Russian Roulette: one shitty professor and you're ready to blow your brains out. Students inevitably end up scrambling around like chickens with their heads cut off attempting to get the best classes, with the best teachers, and of course, an easy "A." But being a junior here at Michigan State, I can speak from experience when I say that no matter how many professor background checks you try to do, you will more than likely end up with the Grinch teaching your ACC 201 class.

The only thing on "Should Have Retired Years Ago" professor's mind is how much Bailey's they can put in their coffee without drawing attention.Welcome to college. So, beware my friends, for horrible professors are out there and more than ready to piss you off. Here are a few common types you may unluckily stumble upon.

The Spitter

Unfortunately, you can't see this one coming until you show up for class. You walk in, see a decent looking professor flashin' his or her pearly whites your way and start feeling optimistic. You plop your tush down right in front and think to yourself, maybe this won't be too bad.

WRONG. "Say it don't spray it" suddenly takes on a whole new meaning and you're regretting the poncho you left at home. (Why you have a poncho lying around at home is a different issue entirely.) You can no longer take notes because your notebook is dripping wet and your pen keeps bleeding through the paper.

The "What the Hell Did He Say?"

Indian college professorI'm sure these professors are incredibly intelligent, pleasant, and sociable people, but you have to ask what the university was thinking when they hired someone with an accent that thick. You'll spot this one fairly quickly because he'll have a name you can't pronounce and PowerPoint slides that will have you and everyone around you whispering, "What the hell did he just say?"

The Should Have Retired Years Ago

This professor can be spotted taking down black coffee every 20 minutes and frantically trying to control their hair that hasn't been brushed since 1985. Their lesson plans consist of educational documentaries, multiple group projects, and just about anything else that requires the least amount of work for them. The only thing on their mind is how much Bailey's they can put in their coffee without drawing attention to their intoxication. The good news for you is that whatever boring lectures are presented will probably be posted online, and any exams will likely be a replica of the previous year's. Thanks, Gramps!

Just Plain Mean

Old, mean professorI'd like to think that it's something in their DNA that makes them absolutely loathe us, but the truth is, they genuinely don't want to be there. Most of them would much rather be hidden away deep in a laboratory somewhere in the chem building, but of course the university won't fund anything without getting something in return. So, they're stuck teaching us. And they hate it. And by association, they hate us.

There's only one very dim light at the end of this shitty professor tunnel: graduation. Even then, we're immediately thrust into a world of dickhead bosses. Only by that time, the tables are finally turned—they pay us. And I can put up with being walked all over assuming it means a shiny new Mercedes at the end of it all.

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