Can’t get a date? Here are four guaranteed-to-work dating tips for all you nerds out there!
1. Girls love it when you’re spontaneous.
One time, I was on my way over to pick up a blind date, when before I reached her house, I surprise called her at a McDonald’s drive-thru. Without even asking, I ordered for the both of us before she could even say anything. I just assumed she’d eat a Big Mac ‘cause those things are da bomb!
Unfortunately, their credit card machine was down and I didn’t have any cash on me, so I ended up just driving away. That was kind of embarrassing as she was still on the phone. But no biggy, as I was driving away I was all like: “Whatever, this kinda worked out because I really didn’t feel like McDonald’s anyways.” Actually, I almost finished saying that sentence but then I rear ended a minivan.
2. Girls like guys who are mysterious.
Guys, I do this all the time, and I highly recommend you try it: Take your girl on a date to a play. Halfway through, pretend your phone is going off. Pick it up, and then with a look of concern on your face, turn to her and say, “I’ll be right back.”
Take off for the rest of the play, but come back and get her at the end. She’ll be all worried and asking you what’s going on, but don’t say anything and just tell her to get in the car quickly.
Then speed off and drive her home as fast as possible while looking in your rearview the whole time like you're being followed. Again, just ignore her if she asks any questions.
Drop her off and tell her, “If anything happens, I'll never forget your pretty face.” Then get on your cell and just as she’s getting out of the car and closing the door, say this: “I don’t care what kind of insane money he’s offering, we gotta get in there first before shit goes down and the fucking place blows!”
I swear, all night she’ll be lying in bed wondering just who the hell are you! Don’t be surprised the next day if she wants to give you a blowjob.
3. Girls like guys with style.
Three little words here are all you need to know: Cape, crown, cane. The “3 C’s” as I call them. The beauty about the 3 C’s is that they go with everything, or you can mix them up.
For example: I do a lot of babysitting. A new family with kids just moved into the neighborhood, so I decided to go over and introduce myself for two reasons. 1) I need the work, and 2) the mom is hot. So what am I going to wear? I’m not going to show up looking too casual in case the mom answers the door; on the other hand, I don’t want to look too sexy because babysitters need to look wholesome and trustworthy.
The answer is simple: Cape and crown. Leave out the cane. The cane can be seen as a weapon or some kind of pimp apparatus. Too be honest, the cane for me usually comes out only when it’s a full moon. Back in the 17th century, it was believed that men with canes weren’t actually men, but werewolves in disguise. I’m definitely not a werewolf, but ladies…there’s definitely some wild animal caged inside my pants waiting to be tamed.
4. It’s all about the confidence.
I know we’ve all heard this before, but it couldn’t be more true: Girls dig confidence. Just like the 3 C’s…it’s plain and simple. And it’s not easy to get.
Here are a couple of confidence building exercises to help you on your way.
Take 10 minutes each morning and visualize yourself alone in a dark, cold room with a little girl in a pink dress sitting in the opposite corner of you. Just sit there and let her be scared. Let her cry. Let her shiver. To the point where you don’t think she’s going to make it anymore.
Then walk over to her and hug her. Cry with her. Shiver with her. Then take off her mask to reveal your face. She’s you. She represents your lack of confidence.
Now slowly start to strangle her. She might fight back, but only because she wants to stay alive. You can’t let this happen. Squeeze harder. Then let her lifeless body fall to the ground. In theory, this should help you. But it’s way easier said than done.
For me, I find that when I try to strangle the girl what ends up happening is another story: she’s very ticklish. Then she tickles me back. And I start to laugh, but only half laughing because it feels good and I know I’m supposed to be strangling her. Next thing I know we’re kissing. But then she always stops me and says, “What are you doing?” and I’m like, “What?” and she’s like, “You’re such a bad kisser!” and I try to strangle her but she slaps me across the face and I’m like “Ouch! Why did you do that?” and she’s all like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Here's another confidence building exercise you'll want to try. Head over to your local strip club, find the hottest stripper in the joint, and put all your money towards as many lap dances as possible. Then spend that hour lying to her about yourself and things you’ve accomplished.
I go in all the time and say things like, “Good looking people at parties always tell me I should get into acting,” or “I once brought a dead dolphin back to life in front of a bunch of children.” For some reason, lying to a stripper feels good. Not only that, but sometimes after a beer or two, the line between the truth and the lies…becomes blurred.