You wake up in a daze on a Saturday or Sunday morning from tidal-like movements of something next to you on your mattress. While being thrown up and down like a baby by its white-trash parents, you look beside you, squinting through the morning sun beating a hole in your head. All you can see is a fuzzy, flesh-colored mass. Still half asleep, you think back in your mind, “What happened last night? Hmm, five shots of tequila shots in a row….” The mystery grows too complex for your hungover brain to decipher. So you close your eyes, and fall back asleep.

Again, you are awoken by mysterious rumblings and bellows reminiscent of a hungry wildebeest. As you start to regain consciousness and peer around the room, pieces of the previous night start to come together. Your clothes and what appears to be a pink parachute are scattered around your floor. There are condom wrappers, open and empty on your nightstand, and a combination of unwashed ass, dead body odor, and cheap vanilla perfume lingers in the air. As you continue to scan the room for more evidence, your legs rub against something oily and rough. You look next to you, praying a pelican is trapped in an oil spill in your bed. No such luck—the once fuzzy, flesh-colored mass has shaped into something you know too well. As soon as you see it, the night floods back to you like waters through a broken levee: you have fucked a fat chick.

We've all done it, no sense denying it. Having sex with fat girls is a time-honored tradition, practiced by males across the country every weekend. Often referred to as “hogging” or “whale hunting,” banging fatties dates back as far as the Stone Age, when cavemen obsessed with slaying large animals would sex up the fattest women, hoping for bigger, stronger, and hairier offspring. The fascination with fatties was even more evident during the Victorian Era, when women with prominent hips were preferred by men of the time, who believed they were more well-suited for child-bearing. The late twentieth century and early twenty-first century, however, has seen the decline of sex with fat girls. This once accepted ritual is now only performed by drunk and/or desperate guys, and possibly the most famous lover of large women, Tom Arnold.

Now that you have been briefed on the history of love and the overweight female, if you are still looking to pursue happiness through the thunderous thighs of your stocky sweetheart, read on, as I will give you a brief guide to pullin' fatties.

There are three main types of fat girls, each with a fairly simple designation. Although none of these girls are generally acceptable for relationship purposes, there comes a time in a man's life when he has too much to drink, and the pursuit of the fat chick is inevitable.

1. Fat

The first type of fat chick is the least harmful of the tubby trio. She ranges from 5-15 pounds overweight, usually as a result of skipping the gym for a few weeks or poor eating habits due to breakups or stress.

Popular excuses for banging the fat girl:

“She isn't that fat.”
“She used to be skinny.”
“It's just the freshman fifteen.”
“I was drunk.”

2. Fattie

The second type weighs in between 20 and 35 pounds overweight. She has always been a larger girl, but is known more as a fun party girl. She is the girl at your college who is always flashing, even though no one really wants to see it. She is loud, aggressive, and a drunken mess. She is often seen at the bottom of a set of stairs, on her ass, with her drink raised in the air. Every large group of girls at a party or a bar has one fattie in the clique, generally known to her female counterparts as “the fat friend.” Some people try to glorify her fatness by referring to her as voluptuous; they are wrong. Voluptuous is just a fancy word for a fat girl trying her best. Rest assured her friends are just too nice to insult her.

Popular excuses for banging the fattie:

“She has big tits.”
“She has a cute face.”
“She took advantage of me.”
“I was drunk.”

3. Unacceptable

The third type is the worst of the worst, and is easily recognized by her prominent gunt.* She is 40+ pounds overweight; has a pungent, often acidic body odor; and does not practice good hygiene. She does not realize that she is undesirable to the sober eye, and tries to skank herself up by wearing shirts that are too tight, leaving a strip of belly exposed. She is often seen at the bar with her other ugly or fat friends, dancing in a small circle with no one in a 10-foot radius.

Popular excuses for banging the unacceptable:

“I was drunk. Really, really drunk.”

That’s right, being hammered is the only possible excuse for having sex with this girl—we’re talking borderline alcohol poisoning, not just regular drunk. If she is seen leaving your room the next morning, expect the maximum harassment from friends, family and strangers. Fucking girls like this often result in tarnished reputations and embarrassing nicknames (but you deserve it).

It’s not rocket science—the drunker you are, the skinnier she looks. As you read this, somewhere, on a campus across North America, there is a drunk guy molding a comfy spot on, and carving a little-used hole in a 200-pound chunk of human Play-Doh. In the morning, when he wakes up and looks her in the eye, he will regret what he has done, but he will also be honored, for he has participated in one of college’s great traditions—a tradition that spans generations and has become as recognizable as the kegstand, the frat party, or the date rape. He knows that though this may be his first fat chick, it sure as hell won't be his last. And he accepts that he will continue along this path until he finds the one lady he falls in love with, because in life, as in video games and medieval legends, you must slay the dragon before you get to the princess.

*Gut + cunt = gunt