Here at GMO Baby™, our mission is to enhance the quality of life of your little one, no matter the financial, legal, or ethical cost. We believe that life is God’s greatest gift of all, and like any gift, you should be able to return it and ask for a new one that matches your exact specs. Our patented baby-editing technology™ lets you spend less time worrying about whether or not your son will be born with eight bulging, muscular arms (he will), and more time lobbying so that his kind will be allowed to play in the NBA by the time he reaches puberty.

At the end of the day, nothing is more important than your child’s wellbeing, despite what the thousands of non-profit organizations protesting outside of our international headquarters may have you believe. There is no philosophical concern more grave than assuring that your child, with her beautiful razor-sharp teeth, is happy and smiling.

If she is not smiling, and instead is consumed by a rageful growl, please stop reading and call animal control immediately.

Parenting is hard, which is why we’re there for you every step of the way, from picking out your child’s ideal height, to watching him coast through varsity basketball on his way to a D1 scholarship to Stanford. Below you can find some frequently asked questions to help make the process more fun and significantly less fatal.

Help! My GMO Baby™ hasn’t slept for six weeks straight.

As wonderful as your child may be, there are times when every parent wishes they would simply go to bed and stop making laser eyes at the babysitter. Especially when your child has been genetically engineered to not need sleep. This is why every GMO Baby™ comes with a patented Reset Button™ conveniently located in the midsection of your child’s esophagus. Simply distract your child by dangling a pig carcass or similarly enticing raw animal outside your window, and slip your hand down their choke-proof esophagus until you find the reset button. You may need a paperclip or similarly thin metal device to press the button all the way in.

My GMO Baby™ is considering majoring in art history. Should I be concerned?

Yes! Majoring in art history is a major red flag, and potentially a sign that your precious child has lost their way in life. Thankfully, Every GMO Baby™ comes with a lifetime guarantee, in case of malfunction or defect. Our specially trained team of non-non-invasive CRISPR engineers is on call 24/7 in case you ever need to modify your child to attend business school or marry rich.

Many parents have similar concerns earlier in life. For example, “Should my child go to prom with Tommy even though Tommy’s greatest dream in life is to be a DJ?” or “Why doesn’t my child like The New Yorker?” We get it, you want your kid to be successful. But rest assured that even though it may seem like your child is wasting time early in life making friends and having fun, they are at a substantial genetic advantage and will have no problem accomplishing any task that they set their mind to. (Their mind will be programmed to prefer whatever it is you feel is best for them.)

Since my GMO Baby™ is capable of reproducing asexually, he or she has no need for marriage. Is there any way I can convince them to have a wedding, just for me?

Ah, yes, the marriage question. Ultimately, your baby is your baby, and we will do whatever it takes, including committing unthinkable crimes against humanity, to make sure that you get the best possible baby. If you would like to attend your child’s wedding, then it will be predestined in their genetic code to settle on someone “good enough” in their early thirties. The ceremony will be held in your hometown of Evanston, IL, and will be themed traditionally.

Can I modify my husband/wife?

No, the FDA does not let us modify your spouse. Not yet.


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