By staff writer Court Sullivan

I was helping my roommate put up a bunch of auctions on eBay the other day for stuff he wanted to get rid of. Knowing what I do about HTML and computer jibberish and whatnot, I was able to spruce up the listings all nice and fancy like, so that the dumbasses of America could fall neatly into our junk-for-sale trap. Lo and behold, as unsuspectingly as the pirates in Swiss Family Robinson, more than three handfuls of dumbass Americans fell into our traps. Again, these are only traps in the sense that I could also be successful replacing slabs of concrete sidewalk with sagging canvas nets and expect people to step in them, fall into the water three feet below and pay $20 shipping and handling for my hand to pull them to safety.

You see, eBay has grown so large that it has transcended the last gap in public awareness: the people who are afraid or even unable to use a computer. Literally everyone knows about eBay now, and they are unembarrassed to share their incompetence.

Here are a few questions I received from potential buyers for a CD/casssette boombox with a BROKEN cd player followed by my email back to each buyer. Keep in mind that the auction clearly stated “THE CD PLAYER IS BROKEN AND DOES NOT FUNCTION!!!” Three times. These questions are in purely unedited form!

hi does your cd player works with burned cd? and does it loads fast?
Hi, does my CD players works AT ALL?? Oh sorry, I meant to type that to instant messenger… Umm, yeah, somehow I was thinking that stating the CD player does NOT work would HELP the boombox sell. I was SO wrong! Sorry for my dishonesty 🙁 What I MEANT to say, obviously, is that not only is it NOT broken, but it LOADS FAST AS HELL! Thanks and good luck bidding!

does this cd player works with burned cd's?

Yes! Make sure to pre-heat your oven before taking this badboy stereo to the beach, because all your CD's will need to be broiled at 350° and then scorched for ten minutes directly under the top rack of the oven. Thanks for your question!

What are the shiping cost? Are this item in excelence cundition?
Barring the fact that the CD player is BROKEN, yes! And as per the shipping cost, it will be an extra $20 to include an extra large American Heritage dictionary. My gain is your loss, so take advantage of this incredible offer! Good luck bidding!

how much for everything but the cd player?

Hi, please add an additional $25 to your winning bid for removal of an already broken CD player. Please realize this may jeopardize the aesthetics of the middle of the boombox. Good luck trying to listen to a further damaged unit.

Here are some more questions I received, this time for a factory Honda Accord car stereo:

Is there an activation code? Do you know how this “activation” works? I have heard that it is not as easy as just connecting the wires. I am very interested and will be bidding soon.
Hello, there is an anti-theft security activation code which will be supplied to the winning bidder. However, this code as well as the winning bidder's address will also be supplied to all the losing bidders, who will then be contracted by me to steal the stereo back from said winning bidder and resell it for a 20% commission. It really is as simple as just connecting the wires like you heard. That's what makes this stereo so stealable and resellable. I have already made over $800 on this stereo alone in commissioned theft! Thank you for your interest and please bid as soon as possible, this gem is going fast! GOOD LUCK! A++++!!!

how much is shipping to sunnyvale, CA 94087?

Hello. I see you are able to use the Internet. ….April Fool's!!

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