Dear valued club members,

I write to you all today to address the controversy that’s been brewing in the club since last week’s “incident” involving Brenda and Carl. It seems that some of our newer members joined the club under the incorrect pretense that “ping-pong” was not in fact a challenging and self-edifying sport, but rather a crude euphemism for group sex. This is NOT the case. Additionally, if you are caught engaging in coitus during a club meeting, the excuse “but I was just pinging her pong” is far from adequate. However, those of you who misread either the word “pinging” or “ponging” in our information flyer as “pegging” will be excused any punishment due to a clerical error on our part.

As many of you may have suspected, Brenda and Carl have been removed from the club and uninvited from all future meetings and tournaments. A two-week suspension will be levied against all other members who attempted to “join in” and/or “cheer on” the shenanigans which took place at our last meeting. These club members include Stephen, Billy, Carly, Melissa, Alec, and Vanessa. Also, for those of you who asked last week, yes, the Alec in our club is Alec Baldwin of The Boss Baby fame. We all expected more of you, Alec.

Nevertheless, the club is moving forward and will be focused on re-establishing its stellar reputation in the coming weeks. Our first change will be that use of such phrases as “what are ya gonna do with those balls over there,” “I know something else this paddle would be great for,” and “you wanna play a little ‘fronthand, backhand’ beneath the table” will not be tolerated. Moreover, the licking of lips, raising of eyebrows, and moaning as you strike the ball are all newly prohibited. Any and all infractions will be met with the harshest punishment we can inflict: not letting you play ping-pong anymore.

Now, I know this may sound severe. I started this club with only the best of intentions, hoping to create a utopia where people would be free to play ping-pong instead of having to pick up the dry cleaning for their wife. But times are changing, and you, the members of my club, have forced my hand. If you want to know the truth, valued club members, you have disappointed me.

Fostering the near cult-like obsession that bonds us together has been the pleasure of a lifetime. But the guilty among you have discarded all that in favor of a far more shallow pleasure, and in doing so have grossly failed both me and your fellow ping-pongers. And to Alec, I am most disappointed in you. You were always our golden boy. And last week, you broke all our hearts. Also, The Boss Baby 2 doesn’t live up to the hype.

Still, I acknowledge that there comes a time when it is my turn to apologize. I must admit that the community I formed around our beloved game was so strong that a sexual conglomeration forming at random in a weekly meeting was a near inevitability. And for that I take responsibility. Furthermore, it has come to my attention that the aroma of sex and swagger that oozes off of me at all times could have been a precipitating factor in last week’s malfeasance. And for that I take responsibility.

Lastly, let’s all be honest, Carl had a terribly weak front-hand serve that really hindered his game, and he probably should have been removed from the club long before last week’s wrongdoing. I just thought I could change him, you know? Anyways, for that I take responsibility.

While I apologize that harsh steps were taken today, I hope you all recognize that they were necessary for us to continue on as a stronger club. We will be meeting again next Tuesday at the usual time and place. Also, a little birdie told me Brenda has recently contracted chlamydia, so a lot of you should probably get checked. Especially you, Alec.

Until next time, happy ping-ponging!

Yours in Table Tennis,