Let's face facts: when we're sleeping we do weird things. My roommate let me know that when I fall asleep I twitch a lot to the point of banging my head against the wall. But aside from the fact that my roommate stares at me while I sleep like a princess, and that I turn into a self-harming maniac with Tourette syndrome when comatose, this just goes to show that as much as we think we know ourselves, we're not totally aware of everything.

And since we're not totally aware of things, we certainly can't be aware of the people who see us in our day-to-day lives, or said people's probable insane obsession/love for us (and/or me, myself, and I).

So, that being said, I've been taking a look at the "Missed Connections" section on craigslist for funsies, and have come to the realization that I am the person these people are missing harder than a kid with atheist parents misses Christmas. Below is a short list out of the hundreds of craigslist posts where I am almost positive it's me they're talking about.

1. Guy Shopping at Whole Foods – w4m

Guy shopping for apples at Whole Foods

"You had a white shirt & grey or brown pants & was with a child and I have dark hair and was wearing a long skirt & had my two kids with me. I don't know why, and I know this is so crazy, but I can't get you out of my mind. Loved your smile & really hope to run into you again if you're available."

Probability this was me: 64%

Why this was me:

  • I only have one white shirt, and on the very few occasions that I do wear it, I'm pretty sure men and women quiver at the slightest sight of me.
  • This occurred in Los Angeles, and it just so happens that I now live in Los Angeles.
  • People love my smile.

I never shop at Whole Foods, however, for some reason I'm always standing in close proximity to them. The same thing goes for children: I never shop for them, but I often find myself standing close to them. These things and the fact that I see a lot of women with long dark hair and kids (usually two) leads me to believe that I'm making people—especially this one ambiguous craigslist woman—fall in love with me wherever I wander. And trust me, I wander harder than Jay-Z balls.


2. Big Smile in Fierce Camo Green Polo – m4m

Guy in green camo polo shirt

"This is so embarrassing, I really should have approached you. I feel like such a coward. But yesterday around 5 I was strolling around the lake, half-heartedly walking my dog, Mr. Buttersworth.

You are white, tall, and had a deep and charismatic voice. Your whole self was charismatic. Your friends were a little rough around the edges- there were two other guys and a girl. One was wearing a hat, I think. The other was small with a mustache. The girl had dark hair. You have dark hair, and a wide smile. Oh, that smile.

You were a roudy bunch, so I think I was a bit scared to approach you. But you seem really put together, clean, confident… just my type. I'd love to go dancing with you. I'm a bit of a homebody, but I'd L-O-V-E to see you again…"

Probability that this was me: 76%

Why this was me:

  • People always want to approach me but can't because they're cowards.
  • I saw a woman walking a dog that looked like it was named "Mr. Buttersworth."
  • I have dark hair.
  • People really love my smile.

Although I am not tall or white, and I don't have a deep charismatic voice, I probably was all of those things in a past life. So if somebody was to look at me from afar, I wouldn't be surprised if they confused me for a tall white guy.

Also, as you may have read, this person would "L-O-V-E" to see me again, and although I don't share her wants, I get it. I mean, I'm put together, clean, confident, and most people's type. And although I can't dance, I wouldn't be surprised if I could. Why? Well again, we're not totally aware of ourselves, you guys.


3. Jager Man – m4m

Vanilla Ice pouring a Jager shot into a guy's mouth at a bar

"I saw you. Swigging jäger like a boss on the promenade.

I was like- yo that dudes drinking jäger. Should we get some?
Missed connection. For real. Props bra."

Probability that this was me: 99.4847%

Why this was me:

  • People do see me a lot.
  • I swig everything I drink like a boss.
  • Whenever somebody's done talking about me, they usually end their sentence with "props bra."

This was DEFINITELY ME! Guys, let's face facts, whenever I drink anything it's worthy of watching. Not because I drink harder than a 13-year-old's morning wood, but because the simple act of any liquid matter going into my body is something you must see to believe. And who are the number one types of people who have to see it to believe it?

Bros.

Why they must see me doing this is something I may never understand, but what I do understand is that by drinking in public, I run the risk of capturing/breaking the fragile hearts of all bros in the area. That risk is one I will gladly take, because nothing feels better than making others feel worse, am I right!? AM I RIGHT!?!?

Sadly, we may never have the ability to know every little thing about what's going on around us or ourselves. However, with a little casual Internet sleuthing, you can find out how many people desperately want to be in a relationship with you. And if you ask me, that more than makes up for not going on a journey of self-discovery, one of many things that "ain't nobody got time for." So be comfortable with who you think you are, and if you're not…well…eat some ice cream. Ice cream usually makes everything better.

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