I am unable to respond right now, as I’m eating kettle-cooked chips and scrolling through my iPad until further notice. If you desperately need to reach me, please wait until I am done reading an actor I saw on TV’s Wikipedia page. Did you know he got his start as an extra on Grey’s Anatomy?


Thanks for emailing. As soon as I’m done sending news articles to every single group family chat even though we’re all under the same roof, I’d be happy to get back to you. Actually, email me your number and I can add you to one.


I wanted to confirm that I have received your email, however, I am putting my shoes on as soon as I wake up but not intending to leave the house, so it may be a while before I answer.


I am at Lowe’s right now picking up a couple 2x4s. Expect a response within the month.


Appreciate the email, but I am busy walking aimlessly around the house with my cup of coffee. I wish it were a cigarette, though.


Welcome to my inbox. I’m not here right now, but I am keeping an eye on my family’s usage of water glasses and pinpointing the exact moment when I can swoop in and run them through the dishwasher. I don’t care if it’s a mostly empty dishwasher, I just care that the kitchen counters and tabletops are completely cleared off. I also care about your email, but obviously this prevails.


Out of office. Asking daughter if she knows who Pee-wee Herman is.


I am calling every family member on speakerphone when it’s just me in the living room, so I do not have the time of day to respond right now. I should be back on tomorrow morning as long as everyone is happy and healthy, although my first cousin twice-removed is getting divorced. It’s OK, everyone saw it coming. They honestly rushed into the marriage and didn’t take the time to discover whether or not they liked each other. Obviously, they loved each other. You have to love someone to get married. Anywho, last I heard, he threw her air fryer out of their kitchen window in the middle of the night and she moved out in the morning.


<IMG SRC=”animation1. gif”> Ha!


While getting back to you matters very much to me, I am preoccupied with yelling at my wife to turn off the bathroom lights—but she can’t hear me because I turned the TV on full volume and left the room.


Re: My last email—I’m still not responding to your original inquiry, but I would like to follow up on my obsession with the energy bill. I got a great phone charger that stops charging once you’re at 100 percent. Just FYI. I can’t send you the link to it because I got it at a gas station in Terre Haute, IN sometime in 2013.


Hi there. I will get back to you as soon as I am done watching Reagan’s first inauguration on YouTube.


Thanks for reaching out. I am currently away and humming to myself as I make hot dogs for lunch. While you’re here, though, consider getting potato-bread buns.


You have figuratively reached me but not literally, since I am presently excited about eating hot dogs for lunch again. My wife bought bratwurst buns this time and it’s just not the same. Did you try the potato-bread buns yet?


I will be out of the office today, left wondering why “Alexis” won’t play my favorite Beach Boys songs. It’s like she’s trying to upset me. This may take a week or so, as a fair warning.


Going for a drive, be back in six hours.


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