Writing is hard. It involves stringing words together to make sentences. We don’t know who thought that would be easy, but it’s like trying to suck a marshmallow up through a straw—really fucking hard.

Our Cursify app makes writing easy. Once you subscribe to and download our software, our machine and deep learning algorithms, coupled with some other really cool AI shit no one here understands, takes your writing and makes it sing.

Example 1:

Without Cursify: This is a sentence.

With Cursify: This is a fucking sentence.

Notice how Cursify creates a more evocative experience for the reader, without sacrificing grammatical accuracy. Cursify can take even the most mundane of writing tasks and make them interesting.

Example 2:

Without Cursify:

My To-Do List:
Walk the dog
Buy milk
Call mom

With Cursify:

My To-Do List:
Walk the fucking dog
Buy fucking milk
Call mom

It’s easy to see the difference. Dog walking and milk buying are tedious tasks, and Cursify knows this is exactly how you feel about them. That’s because the second you downloaded our app, our servers downloaded everything about you, so why not just say it straight? And while you may not look forward to calling your mom, Cursify respects authority, and knows you probably should call her and get over your issues with her that have dragged on for too many years. At only $29.99 per month, we really think you’re getting a deal here by saving a ton on therapy and taking our advice.

Where Cursify can be most helpful—and the reason why a bunch of Silicon Valley trust fund babies spent countless hours creating an app that would make them a shit-ton of money and loved by their distant parents—is in matters of the human heart. Nowhere is writing clearly and succinctly more important.

Example 3:

Without Cursify:

Dear Clarissa,

While you’re a great gal, I just don’t see a future with you.

All the Best,
Simon

With Cursify:

Dear Clarissa,

While you’re a great gal, I just don’t see a future with you because I’m too afraid of intimacy to have a mature relationship with such a fucking awesome woman.

All the Best,
Simon the Fuck Wit

Like we said, Cursify knows everything about you, because privacy is dead. We know why you cry yourself to sleep at night and hug your pillows too tightly, and that you really need to call your mom and get over your issues with her because they are getting in the way of your relationship with Clarissa. She is an awesome woman, and if you let her go you’ll only validate what everyone in our office says about you.

And Cursify did help, because when you sent Clarissa your Cursify-approved note, she responded almost immediately with this:

Dear Simon,

I got your well-written note. I agree that you are “too afraid of intimacy” and a “Fuck Wit” (how did you come up with that?). You’re just like my cold, distant father. I’m moving on.

Clarissa

Clarissa uses our other writing software, Breakify. It helps awesome women like her sense when losers like you are wasting her time and leading them down a dead-end street. Breakify uses writing to end bad relationships before they start.

We here at Cursify want you, Simon, to need Breakify, because it means you will have made some progress. But until that day comes, we’ll keep helping make your life, and your writing, easier.

Relationships are hard. Writing is fucking harder.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.