By contributing writer Elm Sinclair

God? I know it's been a long time since I've been to church. I mean, it's not like I don't pray at all or anything like that… you remember I prayed to you last week, right? Remember, when I was laying in the bathtub and I made you a deal? I said if you made me stop throwing up I was going to stop drinking. Well, I mean, you did make me stop throwing up… eventually. So, I'm totally going to follow through on my end of the deal… eventually.

That's not the point here, though. The point is, God, I need some serious help right now. I promise… you help me out with this and I'm never going to ask you for anything again. All I need is for that doctor to come out and tell me that my um… crusaders are in tip-top shape. I mean, I'm not asking for a miracle here, I'm really not. Maybe just a little divine intervention. I just want to make sure that I don't end up having it burn like fire and brimstone when I piss, or have sores on my resurrection.

I mean, I know you aren’t down with premarital sex, but this thing just got so out of hand. Well, I mean, okay, I was at a party at my friend

Murph’s house, and you know how you used to turn water into wine? Well, I was turning beer into water, if you know what I mean. So, there I was, havin’ a good time,
feelin’ the Holy Spirit, when in walks this fine red head angel that was absolutely bangin’. So, I was checkin’ her out, thinking about what I was gonna
do, when this chick bends over to pick something up
and… let’s just say I saw the light.

I swear to You I will stop objectifying women if You would just make it stop burning, please!

So, I went over to spit some game and she was just so fine that I froze and I might as well have been speaking tongues. Well, obviously she wasn’t feelin’ a stuttering Stanley, so she turned and started to walk away. It was right about then that the liquid courage kicked in. I told her we should get outta there and head back to my house. I didn’t need to do too much persuading; it was like I was preaching to the choir.

Once I got her to my house it seemed pretty clear to me that she wasn’t exactly the Virgin Mary. She was all over me the second we walked into my place. She whispered into my ear that she wanted to see my Goliath. Well, that certainly made Lazarus rise. It wasn’t too long after that that she wanted to do a little more than kiss. She grabbed my Cain and I wasn’t Abel to stop her. I don’t want to imply here that she was praying or anything, but she was certainly down on her knees. It was heavenly. After a little bit of this she wanted to go to my bed. I asked her to do a striptease for me. So, she did… and it was good. I was pleased to see that she shaved off her burning bush. It was right about then that I used my face to part her C’s.

Once my serpent found her forbidden fruit we started goin’ at it, and she was singing my praises. Though, don’t think that this was a bad thing, ‘cause the entire time she was screaming your name, “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” A couple times she was even mentioning your son. It felt like we were going at it for forty days and forty nights. I thought I could smell something, and I knew it wasn’t Jesus fish. It was right around the time of her second coming that I got to wonder if maybe I should’ve used some sort of protection. After she said her last hallelujah, she grabbed her clothes and left right after she got my number.

That happened eight days ago. I was going to come down here to the clinic yesterday, but I rested instead. So that’s my story God. I promise if you help me I’ll do whatever you need—I’ll honor my father, my mother, my neighbor, whoever. I’ll do anything, just don’t let me be plagued by an STD. Well, here comes the nurse with the results… help me out here and I’ll never ask for anything again.

HALLELUJAH!!! Oh, thank you God! I’m clean! Hey, I’m getting a call from that girl from the party…

God, it’s me again. Listen, forget what I said before… give me STDs, hell, give me AIDS . I don’t care, just don’t let this baby be mine. Do whatever you have to do; make it an immaculate conception, I don’t care. Just do NOT let this be my baby. I’ll never ask you for anything, again. I promise….