It is with great sadness that I write this email to you to let you know that I will not be able to attend the séance you are having to talk to grandma.

While I have voiced my concerns about opening a portal to a dimension where dead spirits linger, this is not the reason I am unable to come. My current girlfriend is performing a one-woman improv show at a nearby Jazz cafe, and I promised her I would operate the lights(?) for the performance. I truly wish I could be with all of you while you perform this almost Satanic ritual, that seems not only disturbing to the dead, but also the living.

Since I will not be able to talk to dear Grandmother at the séance, I attached a few questions and concerns that I meant to ask her before we put her in hospice care. I would greatly appreciate it if you could somehow work these into the conversation, as any answers to my inquiries would be greatly appreciated.

  • How are you?
    • Obviously your body is dead, but if this is working it seems your spirit is still around. How does that feel? Are you happy? Or do you just wish it was all over?
  • Are you like that Grandma from the movie Hereditary?
    • That movie made me a bit nervous about the whole communicating with the dead idea and the possessing of human bodies with spirits and such. I just am asking you this because there were a lot of naked old people at the end of that flick, and I really don’t want to see you, or frankly any other old people, naked for, well, the rest of my life. So if you can just put my mind at ease regarding that, that would just be great.
  • Am I even in your last will and testament?
    • It's been like a month since you’ve died, and nobody has said shit to me.
  • How did you really die?
    • I was told that you just died of old age and natural causes, but is that really true? The last time I saw you, you seemed to be fully coherent, and as disappointing as it was, shockingly aware and racist regarding your caretakers. So did you really die of natural causes, or were you murdered? And if you were, did you deserve it?
  • Knock Knock
    • Mom please call me if she says “Who’s there?”
  • Did Grandpa really like me the most out of all the grandchildren, and even more than some of his own kids?
    • Before Grandpa died, I was over at your house watching a football game with him, and we got pretty shithoused. Now if you’re wondering what shithoused means, it just means he gave me some of his scotch every time I got him a new glass, so I probably had about seven glasses of scotch which puts him up in the 20 glasses range. I was 15 at the time I think. Anyways, he was slurring pretty heavily, but he told me that he appreciated me coming over, even though my jackass brothers and cousins never gave him the time of day. Then he said that even his own kids would never sit down and have a drink with him. Finally, in between his nodding off (I had to check a few times to make sure he wasn’t dead), I think I remember him saying I was his favorite, so I’m wondering if he ever mentioned that to you
  • Have you met any other cool spirits?
    • Have you run into any big names in the spirit world? Or are you just solo wandering around in some type of eternal abyss? If you see anyone cool can you let me know next time we séance?

Thanks, Grandma!