It’s taken for granted that men are horny slobs. They’ll fuck anything they can and then lie about it later if necessary. The male appetite for flesh is unquenchable. Ladies, do you know any guy friend who wouldn’t have sex with you if you threw yourself at him? Being the naive, optimistic female you are, you probably said yes out of instinct. Congratulations, you have at least one gay friend. Harry and Sally were right: men and women cannot be “just friends.” There is one exception to this rule: the ladder theory.

We as men are constantly trying to move up the ladder as far as quality (i.e. better looking, better in bed, etc.) and quantity (i.e. more, more and more). The quality issue can take many forms, but basically the hotter a woman is, the higher she is on the ladder. If a man already has a girl, he will be faithful to her provided he doesn’t have the chance to get something higher on the ladder. Thus the “men are only as faithful as their options” cliche really only holds true in a “better option” situation. The only exception to THIS rule is if the male is overwhelmingly sexually satisfied in his current relationship. Then he will stay true no matter what.

The harsh reality? A real man is never sexually satisfied.

Now, on to my proposal: beer goggles for women. Guys, you know what I'm talking about. After a few drinks, the woman you wouldn’t have kicked in the face is now starting to look better and better, and as the night moves on the probability of going home alone gets higher and higher. Sure, women experience this to a lesser degree, but I’m talking about radical change.

Ladies, the sexual revolution has come and gone and some of you missed the boat! Why? Your standards are too high. Or you have that touchy “morals” issue.

If you’re a woman who wants to meet more guys and achieve true sexual fulfillment, than this product is for you.

The concept of the device is simple: wearing that makes the guy sitting next to you at the bar way more attractive than he is. It also sends “horny” enzymes to all the right places so that you too will know the defeat of going home alone.

Q: Will this make me less desirable to the opposite sex if I have this device on my head?
A: Obviously you haven’t read the first couple of paragraphs.

Q: Isn’t this a bad idea? Don’t men count on women to say no?
A: This is ridiculous. We know you enjoy sex as much as we do (especially with those of us that have a decent idea of what to do). Stop being the denying martyr and have a little fun. Blame it on the goggles, blame it on God, blame it on the beer or the planets or whatever the hell you want.

Q: What about STDs?
A: Ummm… the beer goggles make it impossible to get pregnant or a disease. Yeah, that’s it.

Q: Will this help end the double standard that a guy who gets around is a pimp and a girl that sucks a penis or two is a tramp?
A: Sure. Whatever. I love you. You’re different than the other girls.

Q: Aren’t you a horrible person for suggesting this?
A: Possibly. I thought I understood feminism and the sexual revolution to a point. I could be wrong.

Q: You probably never get laid do you?
A: You’d be surprised.

Q: Isn’t this just designed to get you more tail?
A: I want more tail for all mankind. Except frat guys. They do fine on their own. It is the sole purpose of being in a frat. Or driving a nice car. Or pretending that Hugh Grant is funny. We do this all for you, ladies. What more do you want? It doesn’t exist!

Q: My boyfriend would never cheat on me!
A: How hot are you? Do you put out easily? Is the answers are “very hot” and “yes” then you may be right. If you are ugly as shit and play hard to get you must have a pure specimen of manhood in your corner or something so repulsive his mother disowned him as he exited her vagina—the last one he would ever see.

Q: My friends don’t want to fuck me. They like me for who I am.
A: Try walking out of your room naked sometime. See if they look. Whisper in their ear that you’re not wearing panties and would he like to find out for himself. Bend over in front of him and look away. Does he look down your shirt? Women, you’re kidding yourselves. Sure we like you as friends, but if we could bed you too…

Q: What's the point of all of this?
A: Just working my way up the ladder.

So in closing, let me ask you to think about it. Do it for yourselves. Do it for each other. Most importantly, tell me what bar you’re going to be at.


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