To All Residents:

While we here at The Montecito Apartments do not want to point fingers at any specific residents, we would like to reiterate some building rules that may or may not apply to the “The Sacred Order” and their cult activity on the fourth floor.

Quiet hours are from 10 PM to 7 AM — We have received multiple complaints of guttural chants at all hours of the night. If you plan to have ritualistic chanting, please be sure to keep them outside of quiet hours. If you happen to hear chanting outside of quiet hours, please do not respond by screaming out, “You call that chanting? I’ll show you chanting!” Followed by one of the most annoying god damn noises I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Rent is due at the first of the month as cash or check — I want to stress that last part: We can only accept cash or check. Please do not offer me, for instance, a seat on spaceship Kwinlo in exchange for free rent. I don’t even know what that means.

No smoking — This includes all substances. No smoking, period. You can show me your “prescription” all you want but unless it’s from a licensed medical doctor and is more than a handwritten note that says, “I’m allowed to smoke opium” it isn’t going to fly.

All painting must be pre-approved — This includes murals. If, as an example, a mural of a certain charismatic leader riding a falcon nude with a mage’s staff were to appear on the lobby wall, that would need prior approval.

Herbert, cut it out with the aggressive eye contact — This is a new rule. Again not pointing out anybody in particular, but if your name happens to be Herbert, please don’t make aggressive eye contact with other tenants in the elevator. Even if you’re a leader with “hypnotic eyes that can change the world” this rule still applies. Just standing in the elevator at all hours and leering is really freaking everybody out.

The Montecito Apartments is called the Montecito Apartments — I’m getting like 30 calls a day asking if this is The Sacred Order’s “Houses of the Holy.” That is not the name of our building, it is the name of a Led Zeppelin album. Stop telling people that is the name of the building. Tenants cannot change the name of the building. Whoever keeps petitioning the city to change the name, stop. They are not in charge of that, I am. We are not changing the name.

The courtyard is a communal space for all tenants, not a prison — Converting the courtyard into a “Shame Courtyard” to punish people with unpure thoughts is against the rules. I’m only going to say this once: people cannot be banished against their will. If I find the mailman trapped in there again, I am not going to be happy.

Quit asking my wife what her sign is — Please leave her alone.

No more swords — I understand that there is a “coming moment of reckoning,” between “The Sacred Order” and their rivals, “The Order of the Sacred,” but swords are not allowed at The Montecito. Yes, we can all agree how sick Herbert’s Katana collection is, but when he’s high on opium and swinging them around everybody is put in serious danger.

That’s enough sitar music.

All members of The Sacred Order must wear pants outside of their apartments — Apparently, Herbert thinks it’s really funny when I tell him to put on clothes and he comes back in nothing but ankle-high white socks and a belly button length linen tunic. So here we are with this fucking rule. I’m just trying to show available units to potential tenants. What don’t you understand about the fact that I’m trying to run a business here? Jesus, I can’t take much more of this! Do you all want me to go bankrupt? Because congratulations you’re now the only tenants I have left and you’re trying to pay me in spaceship tickets, mood rings, and Herbert’s famous back rub coupons! I don’t want Herbert to touch me, how many times do I have to say that? That doesn’t pay utilities! I have an overhead dammit! This will ruin me! I hate you all so much! I hate you!

Anyway, I hope nobody feels personally attacked, these are just general rules for everyone. Thank you and I hope you all have a great day!