Got your new doggo a little something. The receipt should be in the bag. Just in case you—or your puppy haha!—need to return it for some reason.

I fear both your and your golden retriever’s rejection. The gift receipt to the anthropomorphic hot dog chew toy is my only source of comfort. It’s folded neatly in the bag. For insurance, I had e-receipts sent to three different email addresses.

I figured the gift set of Diptyque candles might be nicer than one large candle.

If I’m wrong, you’d be right to hate me. The receipt is for sure in the bag. I kissed it for luck.

I forget when I found this, but it’s J.Crew! The receipt is in the bag in case I messed up the size.

Nineteen days, six hours and twelve minutes ago, the heritage barn jacket revealed itself to me in an Instagram ad, and I thought of you. I will lose sleep no matter how you react. Did I mention the receipt?

Remember how you said you wanted a big screen for gaming? Well, shut up and open the box already!

I was kicked out of Kinko’s for trying to make the receipt match the dimensions of your 65” Toshiba.

Careful around the eyes! I got an amazing deal on those Hot Ones sauces.

One receipt is in the bag. I have photocopies stored in safe houses around the city in case you lose it.

Can you ever have enough produce bags? This one’s made out of Knicks jerseys. Kind of random. Couldn’t help myself, I guess!

I stole your laptop last week to see what the algorithms were trying to sell you. The receipt is in the bag and laminated. It’s waterproof.

New AirPods!

I blacked out in the Apple store imagining the moment I’d hand these to you. The Genius Bar translated the receipt into eleven languages for your convenience.

Am I too late to the Stanley Tumbler trend for this to be a good gift?

The receipt is microchipped. We will never lose it.

Stumbled across this retro gold Casio. Cute, right?

I read sixty-seven Strategist gift guides to find the item with the most generous return policy. My lawyers uncovered an airtight loophole in Casio’s legal copy that gives you a seventeen-year return window.

Yes, it is a can crusher that looks like a Labubu. I left the receipt in its mouth.

The Etsy storefront known as SquishyCrushers technically has a no-return policy; however, we cut a deal. If you don’t like it, I will Venmo them and they will pass it along to you. I’m happy to eat the cost, but I don’t want you to feel weird. I forged the fake gift receipt on Canva. It does not scan.

I threw a little extra something in this card for you.

Did I just give you $200 of cold, hard, unreturnable cash in a cashless society? May God have mercy on me.