Albert Einstein gave the definition of insanity as, "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." If that's the case, I am Norman Bates getting ready to dress up like my mother. And not just because I enjoy doing it. Let me explain.
Whenever I'm at an airport, including this time, while I wait for my flight to Greece, I follow the same routine: I go to the terminal's magazine stand, pay $4.99 for the latest Men's Health, get one cent change because I paid with a five dollar bill, find a spot at least two seats away from the nearest human being, and prepare myself for a healthy dose of health and fitness education. "Mmm here we go, man knowledge starts now," I say to myself as I pause my Adam Carolla podcast and do some light stretching.
I always thought I knew how to wear swim trunks, but with riveting tips like "keep your penis hidden," how can I resist adding that to the repertoire? I look at the cover. Some handsome dude stares back at me with a headline that reads, "6 Body Secrets From Mark Ruffalo." Secrets…they're always secrets. This magazine is great at finding out secrets! As I flip to the article I find out that Mark Ruffalo's vegetable diet and weight training regimen have led to great results. Disappointingly however, those are also his secrets (all six of them).
Now I know what you're thinking: "I think I read that article, too." And guess what? You have. Because that is the cover of every Men's Health magazine ever printed. Vegetables and Workout Routines. Especially the vegetables. Sometimes I think the editorial staff is in the pocket of Big Vegetable. And then I wonder if the lobbyists pay them in kale.
The magazine also features a regular article boasting "9 Ways to Get Girls to Ejaculate on Cue." I always read this article with the same concern: "On cue? Isn't that a safety issue?" What if you some eager gentleman tries this newfound trick out and she happens to be too close to electrical equipment? Regardless, the authors of these articles always come to a trail blazing conclusion. Apparently, it's listening. That's right. Listen to her. Isn't that deep? These articles of course are always authored by women. Attractive women. Women who are all too familiar with men listening to them. These articles always seem unfair to me because these women don't even listen to themselves. Just once I'd like to see an article with "9 Tips on Getting Her to Talk Less." Can't we meet in the middle?
The style section usually reels me in with a headline like, "5 Rules for Wearing Swim Trunks This Summer." Frankly, I always thought I knew how to wear swim trunks, but with riveting tips like "keep your penis hidden," how can I resist adding that to the repertoire? The magazine also wants me to buy tons of stuff: cologne, clothes, watches, neck ties, a loofa. I try to rip open the cologne sample on the page and get the overwhelming scent of adhesive and pine, only then do I realize I'm only applying the self-addressed magazine subscription envelope to my neck.
Next come the health studies. On page 7, we learn about a study from Finland where findings showed that eating only asparagus adds 15 years to your life. Only to flip to page 30 to learn about another study from Japan where findings showed that eating too much asparagus may be linked to spontaneous testicular combustion. The problem is, by page 30 I'm usually downing my third plate of asparagus because of the study on page 7. So as you can imagine, it's a pretty traumatic experience for me (and my testicles).
Apparently I will "please my woman" by surprising her with a new designer bag, or a diamond necklace, or a house. I don't know about your girlfriend, but I think mine is perfectly happy with the RECON tactical combat knife I got her last Christmas. She didn't say anything when I gave it to her, I imagine because she was overwhelmed with excitement.
So well done, Bill Phillips, editor-in-chief—you did it. You figured out the perfect combination of repetitive nonsense that keeps me coming back for more. I will never stop buying your magazine when I'm at the airport and I will continue to read about Tom Brady's secrets and Roger Federer's secrets and Gerald Butler's secrets. But most importantly I will let you in on my secret: eat asparagus carefully.