1. Don't bitch.
  2. Drinking is the cause and solution to pretty much every obstacle you have to face in life from the onset of puberty, from loneliness to marriage, and all that spectrum of beauty in between.
  3. It is our duty to keep women in a constant state of confusion—I mean arousal—and defensiveness. DO NOT COMMUNICATE FEELINGS! This way she will never know which way is up other than if she works up your erections. SHE WILL LITERALLY BE FORCED TO GIVE YOU ERECTIONS!
  4. Women mature a lot faster and a lot earlier than men; to acknowledge this is foolhardy, says I. When I was in love at the tender age of 12(ish), my response was "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" to which her reply was, "I will if you'd just calm down," to which my further reply was "Wwwwwaaaaaaarrrgh!!!!!" I have not deviated from this behavioral path. It is the only way to behave.
  5. Women apparently like a tended nether region in their men. Not that they're putting our penises into their mouths these days, I think it's just should she choose to give head, because blowjobs are degrading and super-fucking-hot.
  6. I myself don't shave, and I have hairs growing up the cock-shaft; when receiving oral sex, I call this "Jamie's Wonderland of Surprises." When engaging in vaginal sex, I call it "let's see you get away from me now."
  7. Michael Corleone relaxing in a chair

  8. Conversely, insist that ALL women shave their nether regions; I like the idea of fucking a child with a bell-bottom ass. Allowing an adult woman to tend to her privates however she pleases is DISGUSTING!
  9. Say no to vaginal rejuvenation surgery: her extended lips are an indication of her alpha-ness, the amount of testosterone in her body, and how likely she is to force your head down there whether you like it or not. It is making my collar steam just thinking about it.
  10. Women are losing the natural, biological functions of their sex and sexuality with such procedures as vaginoplasties, depilation, the contraceptive pill, breast implants, and extreme weight loss, denying them the right to express, experience, and enjoy neither; I know what gets my penis moist. Do you?
  11. There is no such thing as "a friend who is sleeping comfortably." You must place his hand in warm water (having fed him beer and chili all night long), black marker pen penises all over his forehead, text from his phone to his girlfriend that she should have herself checked because you're sorry and never thought that her mom would have hepatitis, and finally, circle-jerk bukakke. Take a photo of that fucking moron.
  12. The only way a man may stimulate his G-spot is by masturbating while taking a shit.
  13. When arguing with women, shout A LOT. It doesn't have to make sense; both of you are trying to stump the other.

  14. You might think that you are noble and have honor and practice self-restraint and that family are out of bounds amongst friends, but nothing could be further from the truth. All's fair game in love and hot, barely legal siblings.
  15. Get involved in the relationships of others, no matter where you've come in or how little you know; always trust your genes and your innate ability to care.
  16. Some men are in love with women; don't be that man.
  17. Other men respect women: this must be done at your own discretion or suffer the consequences.
  18. When hanging out with other men, women are to be referred to as "sex," "sperm-receptacles," and "fuckable," and only as "my woman," "fun to be around," and "the mother of my children" ten beers into the conversation.
  19. As with hardcore anal insertions, crying over a woman may only be performed in the privacy of your own home.
  20. When in company and prompted, stare distantly into the wind and obscurely say "I loved a woman, once." A visible erection at this time will serve to increase the manly perception from those around you.
  21. Never trust a woman who doesn't give head; she is clearly an insensitive, hypocritical bitch for expressing any lack of desire.
  22. Alternatively, don't get into an argument with a woman and trust her to give head five or ten minutes after the argument has rescinded.
  23. When arguing with women, shout A LOT. It doesn't have to make sense; both of you are trying to stump the other, there is no such thing as mutual agreements, and agreeing to disagree won't cut it. Your blood, everything in your evolutionary hunter-gatherer DNA should boil to a froth when you hear the words, "Well then we'll have to agree to disagree. I love you. Let's not ever fight again."
  24. Fuck. That. Noise.
  25. A woman who becomes flustered and defensive and offensive and aggressive and resilient and reticent and submissive and emotional due to a willingness to be understood is not human; expressing an opinion like you deserve to be heard = psycho-bitch babble.
  26. Women are not mysterious; they simply don't see getting penis as the end-game, and hence don't feel the need to tell us lies in order to get it. This gives us as men the definite upper hand; break down them barriers erected by man's conceitedness and duplicity by keeping secrets, the only way for relationships to flourish.
  27. Are we truly all that different when in the embrace of "doing the do"? Perhaps it is the routes of getting there that need to be more analyzed and respected, because without feeling and communication what are we but the animals we fear when in a tiger pen and butt-naked?
  28. Such routes are better approached through the reduction of self-loathing (or as you prefer "uncontrollable, outward manifestations of hate"), via the intrinsic growth of a greater self-awareness… the development of a higher sense of self.
  29. Otherwise known as "two barrels of buckshot yer black and orange striped bastard! HOW'S EXTINCTION OVER THERE WHERE YOU AT, MOTHERFUCKER?!"
  30. The hypermasculine, restrictive environments of prisons prove that men are designed to despoil all things motile with their penis. Thus, the denial of positive masculine energies for fear of being made outcast, impotent, is our inbound warring against the tagging set as normal within our societies.
  31. In every straight man is a gay man; it doesn't mean you have to kiss a man, suck his penis, and consent to his fucking you in the ass to feel any less masculine. Do not substitute what feels good for the sake of branding, genetic fitness, and tribal culture, the very definition of our intolerance.
  32. Do not denounce or reject the same liberations that women have sought for so long except with, how to say, a greater restfulness and intuition, a greater sense of purpose.
  33. It isn't misogynist to express myself as a man so that women might find it within themselves to improve as women so that I might find it easier to improve as man. And before you point it out, I realize I'm writing this to curry favor with women so that I can make them my own, individual sperm receptacles. BOOYA!
  34. None of us are alpha-males if we condemn our species' healthy proliferation and evolution.
  35. The key is to make women love their vaginas as much as we love our penises, not as much as we love their vaginas.
Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.