Fun. Business. Family.

We love two out of three of them here in [YOUR HOMETOWN]. From the designers of Dallas Fort Worth International Airport comes the industrial Mecca that you can't wait to forget about. Whether you're traveling to us for our illustrious corporate office complex or our fine lack of sidewalks, we guarantee an enjoyable stay.

In [YOUR HOMETOWN] there are plenty of activities. Check out our four-acre supermall, which our local paper once called, “an option.” Or, take a stroll down past our four-acre supermall to our six-acre parking lot for our four-acre supermall.

You might also want to journey through one of our many parks. Hypodermic Needle Park is a family favorite (bring thick shoes). Sit on a bench and call an old friend to tell them you're mentally on the edge. If you have some extra free time, spring for a tour of one of our local Kia dealerships to find a vehicle that will have you saying, “fine, okay.”

Local history? We're sorry you asked. Visit our single historical landmark, The General's House, where the last Confederate General in the Civil War reluctantly surrendered to Union soldiers. You can also make some money on the side—we will pay you to stay there overnight.

After a long day, we recommend a hearty meal. Take a look at the menus of our many Italian bistros, or go for a stroll east on One Mall Road (look out for our award-winning streetlights) and then a right on Martin Luther King Boulevard to grab a bite at the local Target. While you're here, try some of our locally sourced [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS] that are made from real [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS], or our only Chinese restaurant run by white people.

Your safety is our top priority—that's why all our police officers are people you avoided in high school. And, guess what? They haven't changed one bit since then—they are all still way too into hunting. Our dedicated safety personnel goes through a rigorous two-day training program, culminating in a celebratory pizza dinner. The fire station chief is 98 years old and two days from retirement, and the sheriff is a cotton sock puppet.

Are you an underpaid full-time employee forced to travel here for a Salesforce conference? Please go to page three for a full list of private, rentable community spaces where no one can hear you scream.

New parents: for information about our local schools, please harass your nearest restaurant staff. We hope our sloping hills spotted with broken glass and the six-way intersections with no crosswalks make it easy to imagine raising a dysfunctional family here.

Waiters: concerned about your safety? You may purchase weapons without a license from the mall's Dick's Sporting Goods.

The people have spoken! We have never had a bad Yelp review that we couldn't delete. Read some of our testimonials:

“My husband and I had a great time on our honeymoon in [YOUR HOMETOWN]! Without our trip, we would have easily stayed together for another five to eight years before getting divorced.”
—Anonymous

“I was a little reluctant to visit [YOUR HOMETOWN] at first, but after staying here for two days, I can say this: I miss prison.”
—Former correctional inmate

“Wow, look at that house!”
—Your mother

Still on the fence about visiting? Well, what if we told you a famous serial killer stayed here once between murder sprees? It wouldn't be true, but still, what if?

[YOUR HOMETOWN]: an extraordinary place to visit today!


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