We wanted to thank you for the time and effort you put into your application. Unfortunately, we will not be selecting you for this position given the vast numbers of applicants who were wildly more qualified than you. It’s honestly laughable. You’ll absolutely die over this, but one of my colleagues saw your resume and joked that his Pekingese would be a better fit than you! Can you believe he said that? LOL, he’s so bad. His dog!
Again, we’re truly thankful for the laugh, and we encourage you to keep exploring our jobs page as I’m sure other departments would welcome a chuckle.
Your (well, not really) Hiring Team
Dear Sir or Madam:
Thank you for your interest in position #19872BL. We know that you have your choice of companies when it comes to the crushing defeat of a job search, and we appreciate that you are giving us the opportunity to destroy your dream of a stable income (plus benefits!) via form email.
We enjoyed reviewing your qualifications, which admittedly are an exact match for the available position. Unfortunately, we are considering other, more physically attractive candidates for this role. While you’re not a match at this time we encourage you to explore fillers, contouring, perhaps some tasteful bone shaving in order to advance your career.
The Recruiting Team
Thank you for your interest in pursuing the most radical career opportunity of your life with us. After scopin’ out your C.V., you have not been selected for an in-person hang sesh with our bros over in HR. We generally only hire individuals who hold a Ph.D. in rock ‘n' roll. Mad respect for applying, though. Best of luck with not boring your future employer with your bummer resume and poseur personality.
“The Man” says we have to invite you to view our current job postings and apply for other positions you feel you may qualify for, which sucks butt.
Punk’s not dead,
Greetings aspiring applicant,
Thank you again for applying to this role. We’re truly inspired by all of the talented people who, against all odds, find a way to work with us. We know that it took a lot of time and effort on your part to brush up your resume, build a compelling portfolio, and collect a vial of your own blood to bless the corporate onyx-handled athamé upon hire. We hate to say it, but we’re not going to be able to move forward with your application.
Honestly, it’s 100% us. Our standards are just too high. We’ve been told (by our award-winning in-house magazine) that it’s easier to get into Harvard than it is to get an entry-level position here.
We appreciate your care in sharing your extensive present life qualifications of 12+ years of direct experience and numerous prestigious accolades, but we’re looking for someone who has been in this role for at least two to three reincarnation cycles. Unfortunately, your past life regression career trajectory has proved to be unfocused and shows no real commitment to the position for which you’ve applied.
We will definitely keep your information on file—if there’s an opening that’s a better match, something along the lines of contract crystal cleanser or unpaid kombucha intern or you reincarnate as a more desirable candidate, we will contact you. Feel free to refrain from reaching out to us in the future.
The People Team