If you're one of the countless male college students currently not getting laid, there are some basic life areas I recommend examining. Diseases, uninvited groping, and offensive body hair are the big ones. But something you might not have considered as an unwelcome form of birth control is your WARDROBE. The wrong outfit is just as effective at repelling women as a sign hung from your zipper that reads: "Beware. Enter at your own risk of disappointment."

Before going to another bar and trying fruitlessly to score, find out if you've been sporting any of the following items. If so, they might be scaring girls away without your help.

1. The Ed Hardy Shirt

Two guys in Ed Hardy tshirtsWhat you think it says:

"I'm a sexy, dangerous man who knows how to have a good time. My lifestyle is fast-paced and party-oriented. I can slam a dozen tequila shooters and do things with my tongue that will make you scream!"

What it REALLY says:

"I'm a deluded wannabe-badass. I spend my free time trying to crash frat parties in search of cheap drinks. I'd rather sip a fuzzy navel than a beer, and I still live with my mother. If you and I have sex, I will try things I read about on the internet. They will feel awkward and make you have to pee. Don't risk it. Walk away."

2. Skinny Jeans

Guy in skinny jeans outsideWhat you think they say:

"I'm a tortured musician. I shoot the bird at Corporate America on a daily basis, but it doesn't make me smile. I'm too busy wallowing in depression, brought on by artistic genius. Assuming you can talk me into having sex with you, you'll be floored by the dark intensity I'll bring into your life. Then I'll write a song about it."

What they REALLY say:

"I have girls' legs. They are smaller than yours and will make you feel fat by comparison. I live in a dorm room with two other guys, and our ‘band' sounds like drowning cats. I want you to think Kurt Cobain is my favorite musician, but it's really Joe Jonas (he's the middle one). If we have disappointing sex in the bathroom, I'll ask you for a ride home after."

3. Sunglasses (Indoors)

Guy wearing sunglasses insideWhat you think they say:

"I am a mystery. My days are filled with not-quite-legal business dealings and no, I can't talk about them. I am your parents' worst nightmare. If you hook up with me, you'll be entering a world of risk because there are people who want me dead. "

What they REALLY say:

"I am an idiot, because I'm willing to squint into this smoky bar and stumble over tables all night to avoid removing my overpriced sunglasses. Sunglasses that I especially can't afford since becoming unemployed five months ago. I am your parents' worst nightmare. If you hook up with me, you'll be entering a world of risk because I'm pretty sure I have the clap."

4. The Novelty T-Shirt

I Have a Giant Cock funny tshirtWhat you think it says:

"I'm the funniest guy in the room! If you hang with me, I'll have you in stitches all night! I'll have you bending over with laughter, but then I'll keep you like that… because this cartoon about me having a massive cock is a 100% true story, and you can't wait for the ending!"

What it REALLY says:

"I have no sense of humor. In fact, I'm so incapable of making a joke, I pay good money to have a bad punchline sprawled across my chest. I will bore you to tears before I try to cop a feel. Also, I have a small penis."

5. ANY Shirt Without Sleeves

Guy wearing a sleeveless shirt at a partyWhat you think it says:

"I work out all the time. Sleeves cannot contain these massive guns. The gym is my place of worship. I go there to clear my head, be healthy… but mostly I go there to hone this specimen of physical perfection you see before you. Imagine your hands exploring my chiseled body… go ahead."

What it really says:

"I think showing skin has the same effect on you that it has on me, even though it doesn't! I'm so obsessed with myself, I spend four hours a day staring in the mirror. The rest of my time I spend popping pimples from the grotesque effects of steroid-infused smoothies I chug constantly. Let me put it like this. If we videotape ourselves having sex, you won't be the one I'm watching when I hit the play button."

6. Turtleneck

Hipster guy wearing a turtleneckWhat you think it says:

"I read Jack Kerouac and drink black coffee. I'd rather see a play than go to a movie, and I never fuck. I only make love. Most of my afternoons are filled scrawling poetry across my hands and notebooks. When I leave here tonight, I have a date with a deep thought."

What it really says:

"I have a superiority complex you could drown in. If we spend time together, I will make you feel stupid and uncultured. There's a chance I'm gay. Most of my afternoons are filled serving lattes to more important people. When I leave here tonight, I have a date with my left hand."

7. Any Underwear with Words Printed on Them

Get Lucky men's boxersWhat you think they say:

"I have so many girls checking out my business end, I have to keep them entertained. When you peek at the ‘Lucky You' message over my crotch, you'll believe it. It'll make you understand how special it is to be one of my many, many belt notches. The sheer number of girls who read my underwear is staggering."

What they really say:

"I am a virgin."

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