1. “Yes, tell me!”

You’re working from home on a Friday afternoon. Your boss Meg calls to ask one simple question that could have been an email. Then come the dreaded words, “I have a funny story for you.” Even though you really want to say, “No, do not tell me!, start your engines with, “Yes, tell me!”

On the bright side, this could be a great opportunity to catch up on celeb gossip…

2. “Uh-Huh”

Now Meg’s going to spend waaay too much time giving you unnecessary exposition about the morning of said funny story—she couldn’t find her sweater, forgot her lunch, or something riveting like that.

During these details, you’ll be good to tune her out and scroll through sweet sweet TMZ for a bit—just offer some polite “uh-huh”s every few sentences.

3. “Mhmm”

By now, if we’re lucky, Meg’s on to the rising action of this no doubt Pulitzer-Prize-worthy story. You’re still good to coast a while but, and this is very important, you must change from “uh-huh” to “mhmm” otherwise she may sniff out that you’re barely listening.</p?

Wait omg how does TMZ get these shots of Kim K looking so, so sad?

4. “Oh no”

It’s time to tune back into Meg’s story for just a sec—is she starting to laugh a bit as she talks? That means the story is building (in her mind), and you gotta show her you’re totally with her and can tell where this is headed. An “oh no” through a playful chuckle will do just the trick…then back to TMZ.

Harry Styles said something feminist—literally run me over with your car, KING.

5. “I see, I see”

Now, chances are that at this point she’s realizing she skipped over a key piece of info and must go back. She’ll be too disturbed by her forgetfulness to pay much attention to your response—you’re safe to say a simple “I see, I see” and keep scrolling.

Goddammit TMZ, another football player came out as anti-vax?

6. “Hahahahahhahaha”

She broke her rhythm with that mistake back there fam, but now Meg’s ramping up again. Is she talking insanely loudly now? Then THAT’S PROBABLY THE CLIMAX OF THIS STORY. Take a deep breath and Laugh. Your. Freaking. Ass. Off. She’ll definitely keep repeating the punchline a couple of times, so be sure to practice self-care by taking breathing breaks in between rounds of laughter.

Wait wtf TMZ, why are you talking about that guy, isn’t he cancelled?

7. “That’s-wild-oh-my-god-no-way-are-you-kidding-that’s-so-funny-I-love-the-way you- told-it-you-should-be-a-comedian-man-that-was-so-so-good”

We made it, kids. Time to wrap this shit up. Put the cherry on top of your artful performance with this bundle of phrases that can work literally no matter what the story was actually about. You nailed this.

Now say you have to go, a client is calling. The client happens to be a clip of that hot new couple eating at a trendy vegan restaurant. Ta-ta for now, Meg.