I was sitting comfortably in my room one day pretending to do school work when I was informed that there had been complaints made against me as a teacher. Apparently, someone had claimed that I have an alcohol problem and that I'm emotionally explosive.

I was psychotically angry after being told this. The intense fury of Hell that boils deep within my dark soul raged with flying demons and massive loads of all-consuming hatred as these false allegations were spewed upon me by pathetic little ants that I would crush in an instant if I had massive loads of power and technology at my disposal.

I just couldn't figure out why someone would claim that I am emotionally explosive.

And furthermore, I don't have a "problem" with alcohol. I love alcohol. It blurs my perception of reality, and it serves as a cheap mask for the deep and endless pit of psychological problems and personality disorders plaguing me… and that I consistently refuse to acknowledge on a daily basis. Right, I know. You probably think that I'm a self-loathing, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, angry, hopeless, neurotic, self-medicating, iconoclastic nihilist with delusions of grandeur and a lethally-explosive temper. Well, that's just totally not true.


Wes spanking with a ruler

Regardless, I have gotten the impression that I need to refine my teaching methods. I've decided to begin teaching my students something they can actually use in their real lives. Therefore, I have designed the following six Life Lessons.

Life Lesson #1: Academics Won't Help You in Life

Now, I don't know about you, but when I see a properly constructed thesis statement with adequate sub-points, corresponding topic sentences, statistical evidence, and conclusions that summarize the main ideas without re-stating the introduction… I just want to rub hot butter on myself and masturbate like an exotic, over-stimulated monkey.

However, no matter how sexually stimulating you may find the academic world to be, it simply won't help you in the long run unless you have a talent for storing vast amounts of data in your brain and disseminating information that you did not create yourself.

No matter how high your academic training goes, you will still end up getting some job where you have:

  1. An ever-increasing workload.
  2. A power-hungry, corrupt, Stalinist boss who likes to instill fear in you to keep you obedient.
  3. Tighter and tighter deadlines that prevent you from sleeping at night unless you take horse tranquilizers.
  4. Co-workers who gossip about everything you do because they have no lives.

Life Lesson #2: Give Your Co-Workers Something Good to Talk About

In reference to the last point, since your co-workers are going to talk about you and your personal life anyway, at least make it interesting. Walk into work one fine, sunny morning and say,


Fuck it. Give them something to talk about.

Life Lesson #3: Make Sure Your Personality Matches Your Job

You're either somebody's boss, or you're an easily sacrificed pawn in a dirty game of chess, the loss of which will probably not affect the overall outcome.Not all jobs are the same. Some jobs actually require you to "be" the job even when you're technically not working or even at your workplace. (There is a difference between a car salesman and a clergyman.) Police officers, reverends, and school teachers are expected to behave when they're not at work because they're seen as community figures. Construction workers, computer programmers, cartoonists, and auto mechanics have a little bit more freedom.

I mean, how comfortable would you feel if your town's reverend said, "May the peace and love and understanding of your Lord descend upon you, guarding and keeping your hearts and minds through eternal faith in…. Ah fuck this shit, I need a beer. Where did my cigarettes go?"

Life Lesson #4: You Will Never Find True Love

Ladies, I hate to tell you this, but you will find the man of your dreams… and he will cheat on you or leave you.

Guys, I hate to tell you this, but you will meet a girl who makes you feel stunned and helpless, who tugs at your heart strings, who invades the very essence of your soul with her beauty and intelligence… and she will be in love with someone else. And even if this "someone else" eventually dumps her and she somehow magically finds her way to you… you are still not off the hook.

Consider the following:

Man going down on a woman in a moonlit bedroomIt was a warm summer evening when she first made love to him. He slowly undid her dress, exposing her large, beautiful breasts by the moonlight. He kissed her deeply, and she gently fondled the back of his neck before sucking on his ear while they happily undid the rest of each other's clothing. With the sound of soft wind caressing the leaves outside and George Michael's "I'm Never Going to Dance Again" playing in the background, they both fell gracefully into bed together, exploring every inch of each other's bodies. He knew exactly how to please her…how to give her everything she wanted, as their bodies moved rhythmically together like wild animals in a jungle of passion. Her knuckles became white from gripping the bed sheets as waves of agonizing pleasure coursed through her body like an endless ocean, causing her to explode with numerous orgasms before she fell weeping into his arms knowing that she could never love another man…

…and then she met you. Good luck.

Life Lesson #5: Some People Have a Habit of Laughing Constantly and Uneasily During Social Circumstances Because They Have the Psychological Need to Be Liked By Everyone Around Them… Unfortunately, This Habit Can Sometimes Transfer Into Chatting and Text Messaging

Bill: Hey Audrey. Hahaha. What are you doing on Facebook?

Audrey: Hi Bill, I guess I'm being lazy. Hahaha.

Bill: Yeah, me too. Hahaha

Audrey: Hahaha. What did you do last weekend?

Bill: Well, not too much. I just hung out with some friends. It was pretty boring. Hahaha. What did you do?

Audrey: Hahaha. I pretty much stayed at home and watched TV. There wasn't much on. Gosh, I hope my boss doesn't catch me chatting on Facebook. Hahaha.

Bill: Yeah, you'd be in trouble then. Hahaha.

Audrey: Hahaha. Yeah, no kidding.

Bill: Hahaha. Hey Audrey, I need to tell you something funny.

Audrey: Yeah, what's that Bill. I hope it's good. Hahaha.

Bill: I think about your sister every time I masturbate.

Audrey: Bill, I really wish you hadn't told me that. From now on, I'm going to feel very uneasy every time I talk to you. Our friendship is going to be strained because I'm never going to forget what you just said. I'm wondering if we'll even be able to stay friends because I really don't feel comfortable talking to you anymore…. Hahaha.

Bill: Hahaha.

Audrey: Hahaha.

Bill: Hahaha.

Audrey: Hahaha.

Bill: Hahaha.

Audrey: Hahaha.

Life Lesson #6: If You're Lucky Enough to Become Somebody's Boss… Scare the Shit Out of Them

Let's face it, you're either somebody's boss, or you're an easily sacrificed pawn in a dirty game of chess, the loss of which will probably not affect the overall outcome. If you're lucky enough to become the boss and not a faceless, replaceable peon, try the following. (Pretend you're the Principal and Mr. Williams is a teacher who takes anxiety pills on a daily basis.)

Principal: Hello Mr. Williams. May I speak to you for a moment before you go to class?

Mr. Williams: Yes sir, is something wrong?

Principal: How are things at home? Good?

Mr. Williams: Yes…. (getting nervous) Things have been going fine.

Principal: That's good. Say, after the last bell rings, I need to see you alone in my office. I've been meaning to talk to you for a while. We have some pretty critical issues that we need to discuss.

Mr. Williams: Um… (trembling) …is everything okay? Am I in trouble? Did something go wrong?

Principal: We'll talk about that later. I don't want you to be late for class. But I do need to let you know that I will be coming in to observe you during 7th period before I report to the superintendent.

Mr. Williams: Umm… okay… (shaking a little) …I'll be ready.

Principal: Just relax, Mr. Williams. Don't be alarmed about this. When I come into your class, I will need to see your grade book, your lessons, and your curriculum planning.

(Later on, after the observation and the classes are over)

Mr. Williams: (Looking pale) Okay, you said we needed to talk about something….

Principal: Yes, I was just wondering if you and your wife would like to come over for dinner.

Teacher with his hand on his head at the desk 


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