Hey dude, I just have one question. Are we good? I honestly considered you to be one of my best upper (mid) tier patients, but now that I received this subpoena and I see that you’re suing me for malpractice, I’m starting to fear there’s beef between us (which is for real the last thing I would ever want). This is just a big misunderstanding and I’m confident you’ll agree once you hear my side of things.

Here are five reasons it’s time to drop this silly malpractice lawsuit against me, your doctor.

Your Doctor Is Really Sorry and Promises He’ll Try to Never Do It Again

Just because I’m a doctor doesn’t mean I’m not going to make mistakes. (In fact, because of all the pressure the title of “doctor” puts on me, I probably make more than I otherwise would.) And yeah, some of them are going to involve inadvertently injuring my patients. That’s the nature of the job. I can’t promise that this is never going to happen again. What I can promise is that I’m holding myself accountable and learning from this experience (and I can assure you, I will NEVER wear roller skates while performing surgery again).

Your Doctor Has Just Surprised You With Tickets to The New York Philharmonic (And He Pulled Some Strings So They’re Gonna Play All the Ringtones That Were on Your Old Motorola Razr So It Fucks Your Ears So Good with Nostalgia)

You can’t put a price on a journey through the past, which is exactly what I am giving you. And don’t worry, they’re going to play all the hits, from the loud and fast ringtones to the loud and slow ringtones. Brother, you’re gonna be vibing so hard to this shit. I once attended a New York Philharmonic concert where they played all the best sirens from my favorite Hess truck. Never have I experienced purer euphoria. You are in for a treat.

Your Doctor Is Offering to Come Over and Clean Your Apartment on the Weekends for Like a Month or So

Dusting, vacuuming, exorcising the malevolent spirits trapped within your apartments walls, you name it, I’ll do it (on the weekends for a month or so, and when I say “weekends,” obviously I mean either Saturday OR Sunday, not both). I don’t mind. I’m a nice, good doctor who doesn’t deserve to have his practice besmirched with some frivolous lawsuit that may or may not open the floodgates to other patients coming forward to share their horror stories about my incompetence. I am the first doctor to perform open-heart surgery while cutting his own hair. Someday I also hope to be the first doctor to successfully perform open-heart surgery while cutting his own hair. So long as I don’t lose my license to a petty lawsuit, of course.

The Mighty Beanz That Your Doctor Dropped Inside You and Accidentally Stitched Up Were Very Rare, So He’s the One Taking the Loss If You Really Think About It

Look, I know you can feel all six of my Mighty Beanz rattling around inside your chest right now, but consider this: those were the rarest Beanz in my collection and I literally only brought them to work that day to give me good luck. I just checked eBay and a lot of those things are going for upwards of ten dollars. If I were going to be a dick about it, I’d ask you to reimburse me, but I’ll tell you what; drop the lawsuit and let’s call it even, okay?

The Rumors About Your Doctor Almost Being Kicked Out of Medical School for Trying to Create a “Green Giant Serum” (Serum That Turns You Into the Green Giant) Are Completely Unfounded

Do not believe the allegations. The idea that someone could create an elixir that makes what every person fantasizes about into a reality is preposterous. No matter how badly we all want to wear the leafy clothes, have a giant green body, and be married to a beautiful wife who is a carrot (this is true, they’re just afraid to announce it because they think they won’t sell vegetables if consumers find out the Green Giant is not single), it’s just not possible. Unless, of course, that’s something you’re interested in. Obviously, I wouldn’t have time to discuss it, what with this lawsuit consuming so much of my energy. But if I were freed up a bit, I’d be happy to have a conversation with you about it. Let me know.