A dreary cloud of cigarette smoke rises to the ceiling. On impact, it spreads outward along the blue ceiling paint before it disappears into thin air. You keep gazing upward, wishing you could disappear just as easily as that last puff of smoke. You take another drag from your Marlboro Red as you glance over at the empty bottle of Jack Daniels lying next to your pillow.
Another cloud of cigarette smoke rises to the ceiling, crashes, spreads, and disappears. You feel like vomiting, but you're afraid if you do, your internal organs will come out. You realize that if you regain the ability to move, you're going to have to finish drinking that warm 24-ounce can of Bud Light that you cracked open the night before…just to kill the pain.
Then it suddenly hits you: your alarm clock went off four hours ago, it's 10:30 in the morning, on a Thursday, and YOU'RE STILL A TEACHER!!!! Students are sitting in your classroom with no supervision, the principal is getting rather upset, the other teachers are talking about you and wondering where you are, and you're probably going to smell like whiskey for at least two days.
You're completely fucked. There is no easy way out of this one. You're going to have to get fired from your teaching job…with a vengeance.
1. Tell the students about your most embarrassing college experience.
After eating a cold strawberry Pop-Tart for breakfast and washing it down with a warm can of Bud Light, you're probably not going to feel like teaching your students anything. Plus, they're already going to know you've been drinking because you're over three hours late for class and you smell like the inside of a garbage bag full of half-empty beer cans and cigarette butts.
I want each one of you to write a 10-page paper describing how your own deeply-rooted personal shortcomings have caused me to drink too much.After you stumble into the classroom, just laugh and tell your students how this reminds you of the time you drank two double-shots of Everclear in college and then washed it down with a strong brandy sour and five cans of beer before you woke up in the middle of the night and peed in your own shoe. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that you did this in front of your roommate's girlfriend. Also, don't forget to tell them how you begged your roommate not to tell anybody, but when you woke up the next morning, someone had drawn a large shoe on your door underneath the letters "R.I.P." (Not that this is actually my own personal experience or anything…I'm just saying it would be a good story to tell. That's all.)
2. Blame the students.
At this point, you might begin to feel guilty about the fact that you have completely lost control of your life. You may even feel like somewhat of a failure. Your mind will probably begin re-tracing the past in terms of your childhood and your early adult years as you try to pinpoint exactly when and why things started going wrong. As you begin to "connect the dots" of all the past mistakes and failures that made you who you are today, it will dawn on you that they're going to form a constellation of doom on a crystal clear night.
You begin to seriously reflect on your situation as you calmly and quietly ask yourself a few questions. As you look deeply inward, a small lump begins forming in your throat. Your eyes begin to well up, and your lips begin to tremble because you understand that all of your soul-searching is beginning to point to an answer. Finally, you realize that there is a specific reason for why you have such a bad drinking problem, and that reason is…your students.
If it weren't for their rotten attitudes, sheer incompetence, and stupid empty, expressionless faces every single day, you would be a lot happier. And as for the horrifying inadequacies of the industrial, corruptly-designed public education system…well, you can't even begin to count the numerous ways in which that has screwed up your life.
Now that you know the truth, march right back in front of the classroom and say:
"Alright class, now let this be a good lesson to all of you. I realize I was the one who drank too much last night, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook. I want each one of you to write a 10-page paper describing how your own deeply-rooted personal shortcomings have caused me to drink too much. The title of your paper will be ‘My Teacher's Drinking Problem…and Why It's My Fault.' I expect you to mail the papers to my house by next Monday. You should be ashamed of yourselves."
3. Write realistic college recommendation letters.
Remember that one student who asked you to write a recommendation letter for him? Well, since you're going to get fired anyway, make sure to write a good letter.
When addressing an institution of higher education, you need to make sure that you sound honest, professional, and sincere. As a reference, you are responsible for the hopes and dreams of a young person who really wants to get into this particular university; therefore, you need to be very careful with the words you use in your letter. Check your grammar, use good writing etiquette, and make sure to give proper and due respect to the admissions office:
Hi! How the hell are you? A little while ago, Jeremy asked me to write him a recommendation letter. Now, I basically hate writing these fucking things just as much as the next person, but Jeremy is a good kid, and I think he deserves a shot at going to your college. He says that he is going to major in International Relations because he wants to make the world a better place, but I don't think he really knows what the fuck he wants to do yet. (After all, anybody who says they want to make the world a better place probably has a lot more learning to do, right? Ahahahaha.)
I think he'll probably change his major eventually. Who knows, maybe he will even "find himself" after a few semesters of experimenting with alcohol, cocaine, and homosexuality. Anyway, I'd like to write more, but I'm about to get fired for drinking, and I really have to take a shit.
4. Give unreasonable assignments.
Write a brief, 200-word essay discussing the philosophical foundations as well as the theoretical underpinnings of the argument posed by certain factions of the Post-Modern Anti-Nihilist Movement that the outbreak of the American Civil War, the formation of the "red spot" on Jupiter, and the discovery that the Loch Ness Monster is fake…are, in fact, the three most influential events in human history, and that these three events are not random but significantly related to each other in terms of their political, social, and religious implications.
Examine the causes and effects of these three events, describe how each event relates to the other two, and explain how these three events have had an impact on your life and how you perceive that they will continue to affect your future relationships. Throughout your essay, be sure to cite specific examples based on the empirical research findings of four scientists, five agnostic theologians, and seven rehabilitated yet currently alcoholic ex-Catholic Protestants, four of whom have performed at least one exorcism within the past 15 years.
*If this essay goes beyond the 200 word limit, your grade will drop by 55%.
5. Become demonically possessed and vomit all over your students.
As an unbalanced, hyperactive, narcissistic, emotionally-explosive, self-medicating, socially-maladjusted, obsessive-compulsive, angry, balding, iconoclastic megalomaniac who struggles with delusions of grandeur and alcohol…I consider it my job to be an expert in subjects nobody wants to know about. And one of those subjects is demonic possession.
Now, I hate to disappoint you, but becoming demonically possessed is not that easy. You can't just sit at work one day and say to yourself, "You know, I was going to go out with my friends tonight, but I think I'll stay home and become demonically possessed instead." It takes a little bit of work.
From my extensive research (the Google search engine) I have discovered that one of the easiest ways to become demonically possessed is to misuse a Ouija board. (Remember "Captain Howdy" from The Exorcist?)
All you have to do is take a Ouija board to your classroom, turn the lights off, light a few candles, and begin your session. Now, there are some very important rules you must follow when using a Ouija board:
- Never use a Ouija board alone.
- Never use a Ouija board if you are in a weakened condition (i.e. hungover).
- Always be polite and respectful when talking to the spirits.
- Never ask stupid questions.
With that in mind, repeat the following:
"Hey, dead guys. How are y'all doing today? I'm awfully sorry about your current condition, but whenever you're not busy being DEAD, could one of you please tell me when I'm going to get fired from my teaching job? Oh, wait a minute. I already know the answer to that one. Sorry, nevermind. Peace out, homeys."
At this point, one of the spirits will probably become angry with you and possess your body. Before you know it, your head will be spinning and you will be spewing out massive loads of chunky, steaming, light-green-colored vomit all over your students.
Not only will you be remembered as "that one teacher who had a drinking problem," but you will also have tremendous bragging rights for your next job interview.
Interviewer: Mr. Jansen, would you care to explain why you were fired from your last job?
Mr. Jansen: I became demonically possessed and puked all over my students.
Mr. Jansen: Before you say anything, you have to think about it from a certain point of view. I mean, it really wasn't my fault. An unknown entity from the spirit world gained access to my body because I misused a Ouija board while in a weakened condition from drinking too much whiskey. I "technically" was not the one who puked on my students. …So, what do you think? Do I have the job?