Tuesday, February 5

Mark: Is there some kind of disease that makes you grow that kind of facial hair?
Liz: Yeah, it's called Guido.
-Following a commercial actor's poor choice in sideburns
University of Rhode Island

Hillary: Whatcha thinkin' about?
David: How I'm so happy and thankful to be here next to you.
Hillary: Ah... I was thinking how my life is pretty much complete, because I'm in college and I have you...but, then I remembered...Brawl hasn't been released yet.
-On geek love
Del Mar College

"I don't want to die in an earthquake! I don't want others to share in my death and lessen my own personal tragedy!"
-Molly, on disaster death
Seattle University

Jordy: Oh my God, what the hell is that?!
Yuri: It's an Adam's apple, Jordana. Men have them.
-Dazed and confused
University of the West Indies

Professor Prendergast: What was your favorite part of the Millers Tale?
George: When he grabbed her... organ... of... pleasure...
Professor Prendergast: Her cunt? It's called a cunt. Let's not beat around the bush.
George: That's what she said.
Professor Prenderast: I like you.
-Hitting the A-spot
College of Wooster

Leeny: I like how you check PIC every day.
Katie: It's like my bedtime snack!
-At least it doesn't put you to sleep
Seattle University

"He is coerced by threat of bodily harm. Tearing an arm off is bodily harm."
-Professor H, clearing that one up
Southern Methodist University

Monday, February 4

Andy: My dad doesn’t even know what he is. We once got into a fight because he told me that conservatives are more liberal than Democrats. No time has that ever been true.
Amber: FALSE! Abraham Lincoln!
Andy: That’s just because he had jungle fever.
-On mitigating factors
University of Maryland and Salisbury University

Brenda: The scent of basil was said to drive men wild. Women have been known to sprinkle dry crushed basil on their breasts to keep their husbands’ eyes from wandering.
Patrick: Okay, here's the thing about that. If any woman made her breasts smell like any kind of food, they'd have trouble keeping guys faces out of their chests.
Brenda: Haha yeah, good call.
Patrick: You want your guy to pay attention? Rub steak all over your tits.
-On sexy dinners
Humber College

Linds: Lock the doors! Hide the beer!
Jackie: Cut the foreskin!
-Beefing up the checklist
Keene State College

Professor T: Oh you guys...I have to tell you, I smoked pot for the first time this weekend! Don't tell anyone!
Students: What?!
Professor T: Yeah! I was at a party and this guy handed it to me. What else was I supposed to do?
-On joyous mid-lecture peer pressure confessions
University of Washington

Ash: I love how everything we do involves ass. Getting ass. Kissin' ass. Kickin' ass. Smells like ass, as you would say. Life's about ass, isn't it Linds?
Linds: Yes. Yes it is.
-On the finer points of life
Southern Methodist University

"I love grad school! I squeeze bats for their urine!"
-Shelley, on career choices
University of Oklahoma

R: You know, these weed cookies don't really work with my diet.
C: It's only a dozen.
R: Good point.
-On negligible serving sizes
University of Winnipeg

Josh: Well obviously I am not in favor of infanticide.
Professor: I AM!
-Greek history class gone terribly wrong
Indiana University