Friday, October 19

Crosby: You haven't seen my balls that much.
Kevin: Yes I have!!
Crosby: What are you trying to say?
Kevin: Look, when I can pick them out of a line-up I have seen them too many times.
-Crosby, pulling The Goat one too many times
University of Nevada Las Vegas

Corbin (standing over Jake, asleep): GET THE FUCK DOWN NOW. (making gun noises) WE'RE PINNED DOWN!
Jake: What the fuck man, it's 2AM!
Corbin: All is lost, general's down, I think I'll take the easy way out. (lays down again)
Jake: Note to self, never let him drink three energy drinks and watch D-Day on the History Channel before bed ever again.
-On hostile sleepwalking
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

Zach: Will! I just remembered why I don't drink tequila!
Will: Why is that Zach?
Zach: Because it gets me drunk!
Will: Haha, well what's wrong with that?
Zach: When I get drunk gravity stops working and the floor tries to give me a hug.
-Zach, after a lot of alcohol
Western Carolina University

"When a male gets aroused, they get something called pre-ejaculatory sperm. You all commonly refer to it as pre-cum. And what do you do with it when it's in your mouth? Where does it go? Come on. You swallow it...right? Right!"
-Professor O'Boyle, on the clear choice
Central Michigan University

Female Cop: What have you had to drink?
Danielle: Like tonight or like ever?
Female Cop: Tonight.
Danielle: Oh, well that shortens the list. I've had vodka, rum, brandy, beer, tequila...
Female Cop: OK that's enough.
Danielle: Good, 'cause I couldn't remember the rest.
-On the wrong way to avoid an underage
University of Minnesota-Duluth

"Oh shit! I've got eyeballs in the oven!!"
-Laura, on questionable art projects
Radford University

"Careful you get some kinda soap germs."
-Yuri, on unsanitary sanitation
University of the West Indies

Travis: That was great.
Sarah: Mmmm yeah.
Guy across the hall: Good, now can you shut the fuck up!
-Noisy sex or paper thin walls?
Memorial University of Newfoundland

Jay: Size makes all the difference! Tell her Sarah, size makes all the difference.
Jay's Girlfriend: You think I'd be going out with you if size makes all the difference?
-On other factors at work
Acadia University

Thursday, October 18

"Man, you should have seen the inelastic collisions I had with your mom last night. There was nooo energy conserved..."
-Brian, studying for chemistry
West Virginia University

Katie: Hi Em and Kyle! Where are you guys going?
Em: I have to go to the police station and get a TB skin test.
Katie: Oh no, why do you have have to go to the police station?
Em: I'm turning myself in for showing my Britney, you know, public indecency. Also for the DUI I committed a while ago. I also have cancer.
Kyle: She's getting a police record check.
Em: Yeah, that.
-On multiple charges
University of Waterloo

“I hate all artists. I wish they would just draw themselves into a little box and…stay there.”
-Gavin, on self-containment
Seattle University

V: Just make sure you keep your mouth in your own face.
M: Haha, I'll try my best.
-Apparently giving advice on how not to kiss the "other" guy
Indiana State University

"Now Taco Bell is in on this donation shit?!? Listen, I don't give a fuck if you're a starving Somalian or if it's Breast Cancer Awareness month; until these fucking organizations can start asking for less than the cost of a delicious bean burrito, kids are gonna die and tits are gonna fall off. Um, yeah, I'll take two bean burritos please."
-Booth, on excessive charity
Shasta College

Michael: Can't we just go back to the dorms so I can do homework?
Rachel: It is Saturday.
Claire: Yeah Michael, I don't know if you realize this but I don't go to school in Texas. This is a very big deal that I am here. We are going out, we are having a good time...CLAIRE IS IN FUCKING TOWN.
Everyone: (silence)
Claire: I think I put the "fucking" in the wrong part of the sentence.
-Either way it's a good time
Regis University

"Don't get me wrong, Harvard is a perfectly fine place...FOR ME TO POOP ON!!"
-Professor Schulz, quoting Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on the first day of class
Northwestern University

"Okay. Let's go get knocked up. ...Wait, wait, wait. Eric, think before you say these things! We need to get some condoms for tonight."
-Eric, trying to rent a movie with his girlfriend
Washtenaw Community College

"Why are all those girls' tops falling off? It's like Girls Gone Wild Renaissance edition in here!"
-Pearson, on Art History gone interesting
Old Dominion University

Tuesday, October 16

Booth: One thing that I have noticed about people who smoke the marijuana plant is they are more in touch with their feelings. Like, when food is cooking and then the mail man comes to the door and you're all like, "Dude, the mail is runny."
J: What the fuck are you talking about?
Booth: I really don't fucking know...you gonna eat that?
J: The decorative soap? Go for it.
Booth: And they let me own a gun and walk around with a penis full of potential...idiots.
-Sometimes, drugs should be enjoyed from a distance
Shasta College

"I need to shave. Why do I have a beard? I can't study with a beard!"
-Tom, stressed about midterms
Jonkoping International School of Business

"I'm so happy to see I've fed your growing need for violence. That makes me feel all warm and squishy inside."
-Jess, completely serious, after inciting a friend
Bowling Green State University

"So to make necks, you need 2 blanks. Now, I do not know what a blank is. I only know that you need 2 of them."
-Professor Cooper, on something or another
Michigan State University

J: What, you got kicked out of Australia?!?
Kell: Ummm, yeah.
J: Why, what the fuck did you do?
Kell: Well, let's see, I had some weed....(thinking) ...Umm, I believe they have a term for how much I was carrying.... Oh yeah, it's called drug trafficking.
-On the finer points of deportation
Ohio State University

Ben: Climbing a ladder...
Raquel: What?
Ben: Clum clum clum...
Raquel: What are you saying?
Ben: If you're not gonna fucking listen to me, then you need to clean your shit out of the drawer!
-Drugged up sleep-talking
Ohio State University

Kyle: I think I have an emotional disability...
Jody: I think THAT'S obvious for anyone who has met you.
-On simple diagnosis

Leeny: Okay I'm going to bed.
Molly: Alright. Hey, let's meet up in our dreams tonight!
Leeny: You got it! But be careful in my dreams. Last night I dreamt about a volcano.
-On hot rendezvous
Johnson & Wales University

Patient: I think I'm pregnant.
Kat: When was your last period and when did you last have intercourse?
Patient: Well I'm a virgin, but...
Kat: You're not pregnant.
Patient: Well, my boyfriend fingered me...
Kat: You're not pregnant.
-Whatever happened to sex ed?
US Army, Ft Lewis