College Quotes! Dumb-Funny Quotes

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Friday, December 31

"Do you know why men have historically blamed women for being evil seductresses? It all goes back to the Garden of Eden and Eve's temptation by the serpent. And what does that
snake represent? .....THE PENIS!!!"
-Professor Flanagan, during a battle of the sexes in Religion and Human Sexuality
University of Missouri

"I'm glad Dale Earnhardt died doing something he loved, rather than getting in a car accident or something!"
-Jill, on cause of death
University of Kansas

"I am not a farm animal. I'd beat you up if I wasn't a paraplegic! Celery is not your friend! You are in the vegetable aisle, chicken is on your left. Once I'm done talking to
this cucumber, and my legs work, I'm kicking your ass."
-Brian, sleep talking
University of South Carolina

Arnold: I was talking to that ugly, fat girl. It turns out she's boring also.
Steve: Ok, let's say the bar is closing. You have a paper bag, two ear plugs, and a condom. What would you do?
Arnold: Clearly I would have to MacGyver some sort of crazy device and escape.
-Late night at the bar
Kettering University

Trish: Look, there's the South football players.
Rach: Well, what's on their heads?
Trish: Uhh....helmets!
-Trying to figure out the mascot
University of Kansas

Paul: Did the stripper really make the small dick signal behind my back?
Bill: Yes.
Paul: Well that doesn't matter, I can get sex on command. Just give me a phone.
Bill: That only proves you know whores, baby dick.
-After a night at the strip club
Carleton University

Alana: French Canadian girls are just...culturally more promiscuous.
Katie: You mean they go to a lot of museums?
Columbia University

Tushar: Fact of the day, the moon is actually moving away from Earth at a rate of 1.5 inches per year.
Court: Fortunately my penis grows at the same rate, so I'm never very far from the moon.
-On lunar proximity
Emory University

"So we got high and I saw this horse but at first I thought it was a cow. And I thought what if we rode horses instead of cows because maybe the horses were too fast to catch?
Then instead of horsepower in cars maybe we would have cowpower."
-Megan, on transportation
Auburn University

Christina: How's the paper coming?
Car: I have a page of intellectual diarrhea, I CAN'T WAIT TO DOUBLE SPACE IT!!!
-On shit writing
Dickinson College

Thursday, December 30

Andrew: Audrey Hepburn is the hottest.
Ty: Dude, she's dead.
Andrew: Whatever...I'm making a sandwich, necrophilia makes me hungry.
Ty: That's going on your gravestone.
Lund University

"Sometimes when I look in the mirror in the morning, I am scared and ashamed all at the same time."
-Megan, on self-esteem
Ohio State University

Sophia: Shut up you butthole!!
Mike: No you shut up you....rectum...GAP!
-Mike, struggling for an insult
UC Davis

Betzy: We have some time, we could do it.
Dave: But we don't have any condoms left.
Betzy: I was talking about going to the antique store.
Dave: Oh. Do they have condoms there?
-Dave, misunderstanding his girlfriend
SUNY Brockport

Stacey: Do we have class today?
Jill: No Stace, we're just hanging out in the classroom.
Stacey: I'm so confused.
Jill: Stop drinking.
-Monday morning in class

"I don't consider chicks as fat. I just consider it a disability that must be overcome by being slutty or giving good head."
-Brett, on full-bodied women
University of Illinois - Champaign

Lauren: Why did Miss Muffett sit on a tuffett?
Haley: 'Cause it rhymes and shit.
-Drunken nursery rhyme analysis
Lambuth University

Alexander: You know what I want?
Jake: Two girls at the same time?
Alexander: I was gonna say a 1934 dictograph machine, but yours sounds better.
-Priorities at 4:30 a.m.
Xavier University

"You do not come down here with discretions when you're that ugly."
-Tonie, after being told to keep it down in the library by a guy trying to do work
University of Rochester

"I'm so drunk it's getting sexual. Like, I almost cum when I close my eyes..."
-Ben, trying to get action
Rhodes College

Wednesday, December 29

Melissa: I'd like you to at least be hard before we have sex.
Josh: I change for no one.
Fairleigh Dickinson University

"Once we get to this point we can put it in the form of y = ....I smell bar-b-que."
-Professor Reiley, spewing inner thoughts during a lecture
Grand Valley State University

Movie line: You wouldn't know the difference between your thumb and your dick.
Joe: You've got two thumbs....
-Trying to correct "Road to Perdition"
Western Kentucky University

"I don't do Twinkies anymore, I am the new Ding Dong Queen."
-Adam, getting in touch with his PMSing feminine side
St. Joseph University

Ono: Man I hope we don't hit a deer out here!
Aiesha: Yeah no doubt this is too country for me too.
Katie: Oh shut up you dont know country for shit!
Ono and Aiesha: Ahhhhhhh deer lookout!!
Katie: AHHHHH LOCK THE DOORS!!
-After almost hitting a deer on a late night roadie
West Liberty State College

"Do not drink, because you might pass out and wake up with five people on top of you."
-Professor Brako, trying to scare the class into abstinence
Winona State University

Melissa: Remember in 6th grade when we said that boys have hot dogs and girls have hot dog buns?
Lynn: Yeah, that was funny shit.
Dan: Sometimes I like my hot dogs with ketchup.
-Dan, only hearing the part about hot dogs
Westfield State College

Chase: I strongly advise you to go take advantage of her.
Stallings: Nooooo...I won't do that. A: She's ugly as fuck. And B: She's drunk as fuck.
Chase: Well right now one of those is really working in your favor.
-Chase, pointing out realistic opportunities
Sonoma State University

"These burgers are so full of chemicals and additives, they light every pleasure center in your brain up. That's why McDonald's should make the quadra-cheeseburger. It'd pump so
many chemicals into your brain, you'd have an orgasm."
-Drew, eating a McDonald's cheeseburger
University of Nebraska-Lincoln

Brad: You think the Arby's Oven Mitt is related to the Hamburger Helper Glove?
Erin: Dude....I forgot how to work the microwave.
-Getting high for the first time
Southern Illinois University

Tuesday, December 28

"Dude, those are the two dumbest white girls I know, and one of them's even black!!"
-Jill, on the concept of 50%
University of Kansas

"Do you see this face, tell me how much prettier I am when I'm drunk...."
-Marissa, on real-time beer goggles
St. Joseph University

"All my physical activity involves my throat."
-Paul, talking about singing
Williams College

Duncan: Why is the hell is the drinking age 21 and not 18 like it used to be?
Taylor: It's all MADD's fucking fault.
Duncan: Dude, let's start DAMM, Drunks Against Mad Mothers.
University of Wisconsin

Matt: Are you cheating at solitaire again?
Bob: Yeah.
Matt: Dude...that's like playing with yourself and faking the orgasm.
Saint Vincent College

"It's not a good sign when your Viagra pen dies...."
-Tristan, why he has Viagra pens, nobody knows
St. Mary's College of Maryland

"Okay I'm not saying this out of drunken-ness or anything, but I mean, you know my mom, I mean you know how I'm a Christian, I mean you know that time we went to
state—your screensaver totally looks like a Smirnoff bottle."
-Anna, very drunk, in the dorm
University of North Carolina - Greensboro

Tara: Now Jill, tomorrow, when I'm studying my chemistry and I start to freak out and get pissed off...don't get mad at me. It's just because I
freak out when I don't understand it.
Jill: So, like what are you going to do? Like kick it?
Tara: What??
Jill: I don't even know...I was reading and trying to talk at the same time.
University of Massachusetts - Dartmouth

"Guys, there are days I don't remember about tomorrow."
-Sara, Sunday morning after Spring Weekend
St. Bonaventure University

Monday, December 27

Christine: You were wearing those socks yesterday...
Alex: No, they were on different feet.
University of Maine-Orono

"When I don't hate women, I'm a hopeless romantic. When I hate women, I'm a cock with legs!"
-Mike, on swing misogyny
Colorado School of Mines

Kayla: So during the month of Ramadan, they can't eat or have sexual intercourse.
Professor Gibbs: Wow, so they really can't eat anything!
-During a presentation in religion class about Islam
Marist College

"If you really cared about getting ass, we'd be at DENNY'S right now!"
-Amber, starving and trying to convince others of the Denny's hotness factor
Virginia Commonwealth University

Trish: The South-Central football game from last night is on TV right now.
Jill: Maybe since Kasey didn't play last night, they'll put him in tonight.
-On adjustable replay
University of Kansas

"Sometimes I'm so drunk, when I get some I just lay there like a dead fish. But I do flap my fin if something feels good!"
-Sarah, hungover spilling her guts
University of Kansas

Kevin: You would do anything with a vagina.
Mitch: He would do an animal, like a dog or something.
Justin: Wait a minute, dogs have vaginas?
Syracuse University

Kara: I saw a penis today at McDonalds.
Doug: Did it ask you if you wanted fries with that?
Colorado State University

Amy: How was that?
Jim: Very nice, you lying bitch!
-Post coital, after she claimed she had a large anarchy tattoo on her inner thigh
West Liberty State College

Andy: Hey hottie let's go use Shawn's bed for about 15 minutes.
Random girl: I have a boyfriend.
Andy: That's cool, I'm not trying to fuck your boyfriend.
Random girl: Oh yeah, where's his room?
-Andy, on the importance of not caring
Mohawk Valley Community College