Celebrity Sex Tape Review

Classic privacy invasions of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson and more!

When can uber-hobbit Vern Troyer be lumped into a category with luminescent stars like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Colin Farrell and even Marilyn Monroe? When we're talking about celebrity sex tapes of course! Each one of these glittering bungholes has starred in their very own sex tape!

Celebrity sex tape review

Back in the ‘90s, the thought of famous people bumping uglies on camera was uncommon and scandalous, reserved for a few brave trail blazers. In today's "who cares!" climate, everyone from Helen Mirren to Ben Stein are posting videos of their fleshy, writhing carcasses online— ohhhh, excuse me, rather, "thieves" are breaking into their homes and stealing "personal home movies."

Damn you, thieves!

R. Kelly Sex TapeR. Kelly and Teen
» The Golden Shower Sex Tape

Nobody's seen this dreaded golden shower because technically it's "child pornography." Lord knows I've searched through my child porn archives, but I just can't find it! R. Kelly, singer of Trapped in the Closet, as well as other ambiguously provocative hits, takes a whiz on a 14-year-old girl. We'll assume this one is still floating around out there somewhere, hopefully not in a puddle of urine.

Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee
» The Romantic Sex Tape

Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee Sex TapeThe modern day Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor star in this romantic honeymoon sex tape. Pam and Tommy are the classic, the original sex tape pioneers. In the tape it's clear that these two are really in love; it's like From Here to Eternity...with penetration. Tommy Lee likes to flop his weiner around, say the F word, and film Pam's beaver. Pam enjoys sipping champagne, taking refreshing dips in the sea, and trying to keep the camera out of her beaver.

Vern Troyer & Full Size Woman
» The It-Hurts-My-Eyes-But-I-Can't-Look-Away Sex Tape

Verne Troyer Sex TapeSquirm in horror as Mini-Me tongues a bushy-eyebrowed she-male in the sack. Let's hope he fed her a heaping dose of ludes and she wasn't actually enjoying this atrocious groping sober. The full tape hasn't hit the internet yet (I can't wait any longer!), but the makeout sesh is enough to make you blow your rape horn and take off running next time you spot a midget. I'll never look at Willow the same way again!

Colin Farrell & Playmate Girlfriend
» The Untamed Bush Sex Tape

Colin Farrell and Playmate Sex Tape*Yawn* Booooooooooring. One would think a hunk like Colin Farrell would do some dazzling acrobatics in the sack. One would be wrong. The only noteworthy item about this tape is the massive bush on that Irish bastard. It's huge! The tape features a five-minute lecture by the GF, telling him to trim his wild pubic rainforest. Colin, in turn, whines and says he's too busy. The weenus hedge is so overflowing that she even gets pubes stuck in her teeth! Barf. Colin's career went in the shitter shortly after this tape was released.

Paris Hilton Sex TapeParis Hilton & Rick Salomon
» The Let's-Stop-Humping-and-Get-Some-Blow Sex Tape

Also boring. Paris would much rather clone herself and bump clams with the clone than interact with another person. Paris abandons their passionate lovemaking mid-thrust to go answer her sparkly cell phone. It was probably Mary Kate with an 8-ball and Full House DVDs.

Kim Kardashian Sex TapeKim Kardashian & Brandy's Brother, Ray-Jay
» The Dead Fish Sex Tape

Another boring one. Kim Kardashian (the Armenian Paris Hilton) lies there like a dead trout and giggles, "Ta he he, I'm shy!" Lame! Although it did fail to entertain, this lackluster home movie somehow made Kim Kardashian a star.

Marilyn Monroe Sex TapeMarilyn Monroe (allegedly)
» The Mystery Sex Tape

According to the New York Post, an elderly pervert paid $1.5 million dollars for a 15-minute video of Marilyn Monroe giving a BJ to an anonymous male (Eisenhower? Mickey Rooney? Who??). He refuses to let anyone see it out of respect for Marilyn. How sweet! Unfortunately, chances are this elderly man just had vision so bad he couldn't tell the sex tape was just a Marilyn Monroe doppelganger. Oh well, he's old so what was he gonna do with the money anyway, pay for a prostitute?

Lauren Conrad Sex TapeLauren Conrad & Jason Waller (allegedly)
» The Who-Wants-To-Watch-That? Sex Tape

These two are lame lame lame. He probably just did blow off of his dog tags while Lauren cried, painted her nails black and talked smack about Heidi's implants. Jason Waller is such a douche that he once chased my brother's ex-gf down a snowy street like a coked up zombie, screaming, "Do you have any idea who I am?!? Do you??!!" True story.

There seems to be a delicate equilibrium to the sex tape phenomenon. If you're a legitimate movie star/singing sensation, a sex tape will send your career right into the crapper. If you're an attractive semi-civilian, a sex tape will rocket you right into reality-show fame. And if you're an extra small midget, you'll haunt my dreams forever.

Continue to "The Facebook of Sex"
Continue to "6 Things Sluts Say When They Want to Have Sex"

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K Si's picture

Fan-F*cking-tacular, Colin Farrell bush................eww A "Marilyn Monroe Hummer"..... I'll Take it!!!! nice post, Lass

WOW... nice baby :)
I've found R. Kelly Sex Tape '09 for FREE

good quality...

I want to know the website please. Thank you i am interested in knowing whats the big fuss about R kelly

Nick Moose's picture

Vern Troyer is indeed a horrifying apparition Allison Parks. He's deprived many of us of sleep and I think the fact that you are willing to stand up against his nightly hauntings definitely qualifies you as a dream Warrior even more powerful than Heather Langenkamp!
( Why is it that I find myself leaving two comments almost in a row relating directly to the Nightmare on Elm Street Series!?)
Keep up the amazing work! If you don't , we may very well all be dragged down to the boiler room and filleted!

You're missing a few. You might need to install emule to find them though.

Jordan sex tape, Chyna sex tape, other Baywatch girl sex tape, Rob Lowe sex tape, Jayne Kennedy sex tape, Survivor girl Jenna sex tape, Vince Neal sex tape, Keeley Hazel sex tape, and Pamela/Brett Michaels sex tape are some that you missed.

I expect you to illegally download and review them for your next blog. Thank you.

Sex tape tease! No Fred Durst sexy time review? How could you forget good old Dustin Diamond / Screech? And that Chyna is an absolute nightmare.

You've done some fine reviewin', but apparently a lady's work is never done.

Allison Parks's picture

I don't know how I forgot about Screech!! I'll have to do a part two.

Jmb33's picture

Very entertaining, as usual

mmm... nice people ;))
I've found Verne Troyer Sex Tape '09 for FREE

good quality...

What about still other sextapes not mentioned in comments and are famous too. Like, Severina Vuckovic, Kelly McCarty, Alyson Hannigan, Katie Price, Jordan Capri, Anna Jandrasopark, Chloe Sevigny, Jimmi Hendrix, Leini Miester and so on.

Please comment on those also how far they could be really chauvinistically arousing.

lol goldenshower kelly...

now i get chappels I WANNA PEE ON U
ahaha nice

I find it difficult to beleive the Kendra tape would have been released without her consent
She was one of Hef's girlfriends and he couldn't try and stop Vivid from releasing the tape?

Playboy and Vivid are Very Much affiliated.

Playboy own adult.com - adult.com own gfy.com (means go f*ck yourself) - adult.com runs jennacash (Vivid girl Jenna (Jameson)) who has Posed in Playboy (recently)

This headhunter finds women for the cam sites used by Hustler, Playboy and Vidid - they ALL use the same cams but they're "competitors" - They charge in credits - I guess saying 8.99 per. minute for special shows doesn't sound too appealing

Take these celebrity sex tapes for instance. The mainstream press is ALL toubting the "Kendra Exposed" tape as the greatest thing since sliced bread. She was Hef's girl and he can't stop this?

Also The Shauna Exposed tape - another "Playboy girl'"
Shauna was a HOST at Vivid's Party AT A Playboy Club! - THIS YEAR!

This excerpt is from a (2001) article:

"With Playboy, Vivid co-owns AdulTVision, an adult-movie channel available on many cable systems. And Vivid is negotiating with Playboy to buy Hot Spice, ..."

Why is ALL the media "Pushing" the Kendra sex tape to make money for Vivid??? WHY???? Is just a small, grainy tape of a woman famous for NOTHING

You can search for cheaters on cheaterville