When can uber-hobbit Vern Troyer be lumped into a category with luminescent stars like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Colin Farrell and even Marilyn Monroe? When we’re talking about celebrity sex tapes of course! Each one of these glittering bungholes has starred in their very own sex tape!
Back in the ‘90s, the thought of famous people bumping uglies on camera was uncommon and scandalous, reserved for a few brave trail blazers. In today’s “who cares!” climate, everyone from Helen Mirren to Ben Stein are posting videos of their fleshy, writhing carcasses online— ohhhh, excuse me, rather, “thieves” are breaking into their homes and stealing “personal home movies.”
Damn you, thieves!
R. Kelly and Teen
» The Golden Shower Sex Tape
Nobody’s seen this dreaded golden shower because technically it’s “child pornography.” Lord knows I’ve searched through my child porn archives, but I just can’t find it! R. Kelly, singer of Trapped in the Closet, as well as other ambiguously provocative hits, takes a whiz on a 14-year-old girl. We’ll assume this one is still floating around out there somewhere, hopefully not in a puddle of urine.
Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee
» The Romantic Sex Tape
The modern day Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor star in this romantic honeymoon sex tape. Pam and Tommy are the classic, the original sex tape pioneers. In the tape it’s clear that these two are really in love; it’s like From Here to Eternity…with penetration. Tommy Lee likes to flop his weiner around, say the F word, and film Pam’s beaver. Pam enjoys sipping champagne, taking refreshing dips in the sea, and trying to keep the camera out of her beaver.
Vern Troyer & Full Size Woman
» The It-Hurts-My-Eyes-But-I-Can’t-Look-Away Sex Tape
Squirm in horror as Mini-Me tongues a bushy-eyebrowed she-male in the sack. Let’s hope he fed her a heaping dose of ludes and she wasn’t actually enjoying this atrocious groping sober. The full tape hasn’t hit the internet yet (I can’t wait any longer!), but the makeout sesh is enough to make you blow your rape horn and take off running next time you spot a midget. I’ll never look at Willow the same way again!
Colin Farrell & Playmate Girlfriend
» The Untamed Bush Sex Tape
*Yawn* Booooooooooring. One would think a hunk like Colin Farrell would do some dazzling acrobatics in the sack. One would be wrong. The only noteworthy item about this tape is the massive bush on that Irish bastard. It’s huge! The tape features a five-minute lecture by the GF, telling him to trim his wild pubic rainforest. Colin, in turn, whines and says he’s too busy. The weenus hedge is so overflowing that she even gets pubes stuck in her teeth! Barf. Colin’s career went in the shitter shortly after this tape was released.
Paris Hilton & Rick Salomon
» The Let’s-Stop-Humping-and-Get-Some-Blow Sex Tape
Also boring. Paris would much rather clone herself and bump clams with the clone than interact with another person. Paris abandons their passionate lovemaking mid-thrust to go answer her sparkly cell phone. It was probably Mary Kate with an 8-ball and Full House DVDs.
Kim Kardashian & Brandy’s Brother, Ray-Jay
» The Dead Fish Sex Tape
Another boring one. Kim Kardashian (the Armenian Paris Hilton) lies there like a dead trout and giggles, “Ta he he, I’m shy!” Lame! Although it did fail to entertain, this lackluster home movie somehow made Kim Kardashian a star.
Marilyn Monroe (allegedly)
» The Mystery Sex Tape
According to the New York Post, an elderly pervert paid $1.5 million dollars for a 15-minute video of Marilyn Monroe giving a BJ to an anonymous male (Eisenhower? Mickey Rooney? Who??). He refuses to let anyone see it out of respect for Marilyn. How sweet! Unfortunately, chances are this elderly man just had vision so bad he couldn’t tell the sex tape was just a Marilyn Monroe doppelganger. Oh well, he’s old so what was he gonna do with the money anyway, pay for a prostitute?
Lauren Conrad & Jason Waller (allegedly)
» The Who-Wants-To-Watch-That? Sex Tape
These two are lame lame lame. He probably just did blow off of his dog tags while Lauren cried, painted her nails black and talked smack about Heidi’s implants. Jason Waller is such a douche that he once chased my brother’s ex-gf down a snowy street like a coked up zombie, screaming, “Do you have any idea who I am?!? Do you??!!” True story.
There seems to be a delicate equilibrium to the sex tape phenomenon. If you’re a legitimate movie star/singing sensation, a sex tape will send your career right into the crapper. If you’re an attractive semi-civilian, a sex tape will rocket you right into reality-show fame. And if you’re an extra small midget, you’ll haunt my dreams forever.