Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires
By Andrei Trostel
Nothing says Happy Halloween like sultry vampiric vixens. Us straight guys really only watch vampire movies and shows for one of two reasons: the occasional scantily clad hottie, dressed in all black, that you know for a fact will ravage you and suck you dry without giving it a second thought; or the idea of actually being an eternally young, hot, powerful vampire yourself and seducing, taking and having whatever woman you desire, who is left powerless simply by the superior strength of your mind. Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
So in honor of Halloween, swine flu season, and this article, I am going as a chauvinist pig. Hey, don’t judge my costume and I won’t call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let’s just try and appreciate each other’s costumes in all their extreme glory. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
Vampire women, which have a great history, have always captured the attention of straight men and the sole reason is that deep down every man fantasizes about a woman who doesn’t want anything else from you, other than to drain your main vein of it’s most important bodily fluid. So for Halloween I give you the top five sexiest female vampires, granted their title for no other reason then their sheer hotness, regardless of how much their movie actually sucked.
5. Lucy Liu as Sadie Blake in Rise: Blood Hunter (2007)
When Chinese takes you out!What do you get when you combine, Asian vampire, Lucy Liu, and nudity? A spot in the top five sexiest female vampires, that’s what! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting to see Lucy Liu in a vampire movie? Well let’s just say it feels like an eternity. Lucy Liu is the quintessential Asian hottie and pretty much springs to mind anytime someone brings up sexiest Asian celebrity. Quite literally “turn” her into a vampire, strip her of all her clothes, and you might as well hand Lucy Liu a slot in the top five and start the argument of why she isn’t number one.
Unfortunately, there are several arguments that spring to mind, other than some serious competition in the field. First of all, this isn’t your typical vampire film with fangs, powers, and such. This is more in the “vein” of the movie The Hunger, where the vampires really just crave blood and live forever and that’s about it. They even seem to pay homage to The Hunger with the use of a tiny necklace knife to open up their prey, and that is where the similarity between the two films end really. Sadie Blake, although hunting down the people who turned her, really plays a major victim roll for the entire movie (yawn).
Furthermore, half the movie she is seen with short hair, compared to Lucy’s signature long flowing locks of pure sex appeal. Ladies! Please! Stop cutting off all your hair, I beg you! The vast majority of straight men prefer women with long hair and I can prove it to you scientifically (but that’s a whole other article—stay tuned). If it wasn’t for the whiny victim role, the complete lack of vampire lore coolness, and the haircut, I might have given her the number one slot. However, it is still Lucy Liu as a vampire and those two things alone buy her the number five spot.
Come on though, Lucy, next time find a real vampire movie where you can flaunt your confidence and raw sex appeal, like you do so well in your other roles. Until then, consider yourself lucky because number five was actually quite generous on my part.
4. Aaliyah as Akasha in Queen of the Damned (2002)
In the movie she dies and then flies, in real life she flies and then dies.Talk about your little hard body! (Get it? Akasha’s skin was like stone.) Aaliyah has the ability to capture your heart and literally start a fire deep down inside of you—too bad her acting sucks as much as her character does. But this article isn’t about acting, it’s about being the sexiest female vampire, and Aaliyah’s powerful, fluid body movements during her vampire bar carnage dance is enough to make anyone a believer in her raw sexual power.
To be honest I always felt the character Akasha was a little too cold-hearted to make her that appealing, but I did appreciate Akasha’s view of the average man. She thought that they were stupid and repressive and should only be used for sex. Only the best would be selected for all women to “use” and the rest would simply be killed off. As an enlightened male I almost kind of like those odds given the current state of the economy and the aforementioned job benefits. What? Don’t judge me. With Akasha there is a ton at stake. You are either with her or you simply die. Besides, it beats unemployment, or death for that matter, and times are really tough right now.
Either way, there’s no arguing how hot Aaliyah is when portraying Akasha. You also have to hand it to Aaliyah for taking her role as a vampire queen so seriously that she made sure she didn’t have a pulse before the movie was even released. (Yeah, I know that was cold, but so is Akasha for that matter.)
3. Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium in From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
You know what’s weird? I’ve been told there is a snake in this picture somewhere.What is it about Salma Hayek and those other-worldly hips of hers, not to mention all her other parts? Honestly, I don’t know what to say about her in this movie because I have almost no recollection of the film besides her bar dance. I guess that was the whole point of it though, to entrance and distract you so that she can then turn into a freaky ass snake-headed thing and eat you.
I must say I prefer my vampire transformations to be a little less drastic so they retain their sex appeal when vamped out. Talk about your butter face! Santanico went from HOT to NOT just because someone stabbed Quentin Tarrantino in the hand, which, let’s face it, some of us have probably wanted to do after paying for a couple of his movies. Good thing the Titty Twister had a chandelier in it, which I guess you can say came in handy, even if it was a little out of place in a biker/trucker bar. Although, I never really thought that Santanico’s threat of being her slave, her foot stool, or licking her boot heels was really THAT unappealing. Even if your name was going to be Spot for eternity, imagine the view.
Either way, it is still Salma Hayek as a blood sucking erotic dancer and that is certainly enough to get her into the top three of the sexiest female vampires.
2. Kate Beckinsale as Selene in Underworld (2003)
Latex allergies would suck right about now.Kate Beckinsale in a black, skin tight leather/latex suit is reason enough to grant her the number two position, but she earns it for so much more than that. Not only is the Underworld trilogy one of the most interesting sets of movies to merge different monster genres without coming off as totally lame, but her portrayal of a death dealer, struggling to make sense of it all, is actually quite impressive.
One of the things that makes her so appealing in this movie (other than her fine ass) was that she made you feel that she could handle any situation that came her way with some serious ass kicking, except the one situation that terrified her to no end: complete and total loss of all control of her world as she knew it. That right there embodies the basic ingredients of every red-blooded straight male’s fantasy that encounters a strong powerful woman with an icy cold exterior. It doesn’t get much more satisfying than making a strong powerful woman, who is superior to you in every way, lose all self-control, and then bringing her to complete and total surrender by simply fucking her brains out.
I really do appreciate vampire movies where the vampires actually maintain their ability to have sex instead of only hinting at the idea, but never really getting there due to some strange inability to carry it out. I mean, let’s face it, who would trade eternal life for the inability to have sex ever again? That would be enough to make a vampire want to stake themselves. So, I’m pleased they went that route with this trilogy, because I really felt it added something extra to the power struggle theme of the movies.
For the mental torture of losing control of her world and the complete loss of control through sexual surrender which is executed fabulously in this trilogy, Selene is a lock for the well-deserved number two position. Did I mention her fine ass?
1. Josie Maran, Silvia Colloca, and Elena Anaya as Marishka, Verona, and Aleera in Van Helsing (2004)
I scream, you scream, we all scream for neapolitan ice cream.The Brides of Dracula. Technically this isn’t cheating, in my list or in reality…or fantasy…or whatever…just shut the hell up. Do you see the loophole here that I’m shamelessly exploiting to get three for one? If three woman agree and want to spend eternity pleasing one man, then who am I to get involved in their marital situation, even if it does seem unnatural to the average closed-minded person? Personally, I don’t think that it’s any of our business if people want to get married, regardless of the gender balance. While it’s still illegal in many places, something tells me that when you’re killing people and drinking their blood for food then the moral sanctity of marriage is sort of a stupid thing to get all upset about.
Anyway, I’m going to go on record and state that these three Brides of Dracula are arguably not only the hottest brides from any movie but also the hottest female vampires ever. Which of the three is actually the hottest? Who cares when you can have all three at the same time?! The Brides of Dracula from Van Helsing are the sexual neapolitan of the vampire world: ice cold, delicious, sinful, and you don’t have to choose between blond, brunette, or redhead since you can have all three flavors at once. They are three frighteningly strong, confident women who know exactly what they want and will stop at nothing to get it, but yet they are also seductively submissive as well. Basically every man’s fantasy and the best of all worlds.
On a personal note, aside from being smokin’ hot, they have insanely long hair which I find particularly appealing and sexy as all hell. Marishka, Verona, and Aleera, you will always be my number one, regardless whether your movie was ridiculous at best.
So there you have it, the top five sexiest female vampires, brought to you by a pig (for a day). Whatever your taste in women, there is a little something for everyone. Notice all major races were represented, just like in Cheech Marin’s little speech. I must say, dear readers, that Halloween will always be my favorite holiday for the simple fact that, if only for a day, you can be whatever you want and no one will judge you. That and free candy makes it the greatest of ALL the holidays, hands down. Oh, and the fact that every woman’s costume is preceded by the word sexy or slutty. It’s all good though on Halloween because, remember, you can pretty much get away with anything, even doing a collaboration article with an over-the-top, big, blue-haired, brick shit house, sheila.
Take it away Gavin and Happy Halloween everyone!
Top Five Sexiest Male Vampires
By Gavin Pitt
Well, it’s that time of year! Kids are getting into their Spongebob costumes and going door to door to play bob-for-the-apples-that-don’t-have-razorblades-in-them; loopy Republicans in Kenya-born Obama costumes are getting surprise visits from the Secret Service and being sent to Gitmo in seasonal pumpkin-orange jumpsuits; and Jamie Lee-Curtis is putting combination locks on all her cutlery drawers, hiding in the attic, and cursing Rob Zombie for digging up her brother Michael again.
Yes folks, it’s Halloween, and to celebrate the occasion, PIC writers Andrei “Eli Roth’s” Trostel and Gavin “recently divorced from Brad” Pitt have formed a tag-team of terror.
So now, continuing our monster mash-up, I present the Top Ten Sexiest Male Vampires. Is that a stake in your pocket…?
5. Chris Sarandon as Jerry Dandridge in Fright Night (1985)
Stephen Geoffreys’ X-Men audition didn’t go well.Awesome flick from 1985 in which a horror-mad teen discovers that his suave new next-door neighbor is a centuries-old vampire with a disturbingly literal taste for suburbia. Chris Sarandon as the vampire, Jerry Dandridge, redefines the term “sultry”; whether beating Buffy’s Angel to the brooding, soulful-eyes thing or stripping off and revealing a pretty muscular torso (and a somewhat incongruous tan that it’s probably best not to think about). In a decade renowned for Collective Fashion Astigmatism, Dandridge dresses well too, with a line of crisply cut black trench-coats that you’d be delighted to be caught dead in.
A favorite moment has the natty nosferatu chasing the heroes into a nightclub—before following them in? He flies home to change into more club-appropriate wear. The film is also steeped in queerness: Amanda Bearse (Married with Children) is the female lead; Roddy MacDowall camps it up as the horror host turned vampire slayer; Dandridge and his handsome Day-protector Billy (Jonathan Stark) pose as gay lovers to throw suspicion off their nocturnal shenanigans; and Dandridge turns Evil Ed (Stephen Geoffreys) in a feeding scene that plays more like a seduction (“Hello, Edward. You don’t have to be afraid of me. I know what it’s like being different. Only they won’t pick on you anymore… or beat you up. I’ll see to that. All you have to do is take my hand”). Indeed, Geoffreys eventually quit acting and turned to gay porn (I guess this film proved he could pound a stake).
4. Billy Worth, Brooke McCarter, Jason Patric, and Keifer Sutherland as All the Vampires Except Marco in The Lost Boys (1987)
Dwayne never did like death metal.Ooh, where to start? This awesome offering from 1987 features more hot guys (both pulse-challenged and human) than you could poke with a sharp wooden stick.
The film’s group of Californian, Bohemian, surfer dude-type vampires (it’s Point Break with pointy teeth) are, in order of droolishiousness: Dwayne (Billy Worth), who rocks the goth/hair-metal look until he’s woofered and tweetered to death by a sound system (one reason why this film couldn’t be remade today; you just can’t get convincingly blown up by an iPod); Paul, (Brooke McCarter) the blond one who gets melted in a bathtub full of Holy Water (a ploy that would never work on the hygiene-challenged Edward Cullen); Michael (Jason Patric), the film’s hunky hero who spends most of his time fighting his vampiric inclinations by standing around shirtless (works for me!); and David (Keifer Sutherland), who looks convincingly creepy in his vampire garb and about 12 years old when he’s playing human (24 would be much more interesting if Sutherland played Jack Bauer as a vampire; he could finally shut his whiny daughter up by just ripping her jugular out, and we’d finally get an explanation as to why Jack never seems to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom).
Note that the film also stars Corey Haim as Michael’s brother, Sam. While I don’t think he’s sexy (if I found Corey Haim sexy, the Fab Five would turn up at my house with a ratchet set and remove my gay gene), Sam is clearly meant to be gay—he has a shirtless pic of Rob Lowe on his wall, wears nothing but pastels (even for the 80’s that’s a bit much) and sings “I ain’t got a man!” in the bubble bath. What could director Joel Schumacher be trying to tell us?!
3. Jonathan Schaech and Kerr Smith as Kit and Sean in The Forsaken (2001)
No, I haven’t ever done it in the trunk of a car, why?Known here in Oz by the inferior title Desert Vampires, probably due to a failed attempt at irony due to vampires not liking daylight much (deserts get more heat, not light, and vampires don’t have a circulatory system—being dead is the ultimate air conditioning).
This neat little 2001 blood offering follows Nick (Roswell‘s Brendan Fehr) and Sean (Dawson Creek‘s Kerr Smith), a hitch-hiker he picked up (in more ways than one, it’s implied). The pair travel across America looking for immortal monster Kit (Jonathan Schaech), a Forsaken—one of eight medieval nights who made a pact with the devil for eternal life, which he gave them—by turning them into vampires (when making diabolical pacts, always keep your receipt). Nick was Kit-Bit, and is now only keeping his desire to suck on Sean in the bad way (involving the less fun type of spurting body fluid) in check via a cocktail of drugs. The pair hope that by killing Kit and his cronies, that Nick will recover.
This film has more hot guys and homo-eroticism than 300 copies of 300. The nominal female love interest for Sean takes a literal backseat (in the boys’ car) for most of the movie. Normally cute Fehr is pale and feverish throughout, meaning that only Edgar Allen Poe will find him attractive, but Jonathan Schaech’s Euro-trash nightstalker (equal parts Dracula and Borat) and particularly Kerr Smith (who seems to be in boxer shorts and/or an inch away from snogging Fehr breathle…er, more breathless… for most of the running time) put a stake in my pants. Add gay/bi solo porn star turned legit actor Simon Rex as Penn, Kit’s day-protector, and a gay time is had by all.
2. Peter Stickles as Damian in The Lair (2007)
Safe sex on this show involves wearing a neck brace.“…That doesn’t mean a coven of gay vampire witches are running a Sex Club on the island!”
Did I say that The Forsaken was homoerotic? Compared to this current (2007-present) queer-horror series from the goodly folks at here!, The Forsaken is about as homoerotic as Sesame Street (leastways any episode without Bert & Ernie—or Bob).
The show is a spinoff from the equally camp Dante’s Cove, and like it’s parent (or should that be daddy?), plot and acting ability are less important than getting hot men grinding away at each other every other scene. What plasma-thin plot there is involves cute gay journalist Thom (David Moretti) trying to get an inside scoop on the Lair, a nightclub which actually turns out to be a meat-market (in all senses of the term) run by centuries old vampire Damian (queer horror vet Peter Stickles, easily best actor on the show) and his fuck-buddy/sidekick/nemesis Colin (former porn star Dylan Voxx, who seems to have abducted Keifer Sutherland’s hairstylist from The Lost Boys).
Along the way Thom discovers a subplot involving reincarnation and revenge; a hideous, cursed painting (oddly enough not painted by Jackson Pollock); a gay werewolf (and yes, he does show us his full moon—repeatedly); a malevolent, sentient plant (insert your own President Bush joke here) and more naked men sinking fangs—and other things—into each other than you’d get from a whole decade’s subscription to Abercrombie and Fitch’s catalog.
Aside from Stickles and Moretti, who are actually capable of registering an acting emotion other than “naked,” it chuffs me royally that famous gay porn stars Johnny Hazzard (Tim, the plant biologist) and Coltin Ford (Sheriff Trout) A) actually outshine most everyone else in the cast and B) are the only ones who’ve yet to get naked. Stake-through the heartily recommended, but be warned: if you aren’t gay when you start watching season 1, you will be by the end of season 3!
1. Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen in Twilight (2008)
Dots indicate the parts Gavin has licked.This film (and the series of novels that spawned it) is single-handedly responsible for 99% of your local bookstores’ “Horror and Romance” sections now being filled with bosom-heaving tales of beautiful yet overlooked maidens being wooed by vampiric beaus who are the perfect man in every way, save the whole non-functional circulatory system thing. I have never read any of the Twilight novels, and don’t plan to, unless at gunpoint, so I’m judging the series based solely on the movie. Hey, it’s only fair—original author Stephanie Meyer seems to have based her knowledge of vampire lore on the bits of Love at First Bite she saw while channel-flipping between Days of Our Lives and whatever Major League Baseball game was on that week (Twilighters will understand that reference).
Vampires in this movie aren’t ruthless, animated corpses that tear open living victims for blood to drink to keep their own bodies from rotting and that burn in the sunlight; instead they’re pale, poetic souls who sparkle in the sun and are racked with the torment of being so eternally beautiful. Basically, they’re Emery with no heartbeat or Weezer with better hair, and more eyeshadow.
However, the film Twilight is actually pretty good for several reasons, all of them attached to the magnificent body of British actor Robert Pattinson, who plays lead vampire Edward Cullen. Every time Edward goes for a sparkle in a sun-dappled meadow, making me want to scream out that unless he’s wearing one mother of a sunblock he should be well on the way to Kentucky Fried by now, he flashes that smile or whips off his shirt and reveals that body and I forget why I was angry in the first…what was I saying?
True, Pattinson doesn’t bathe so often—I haven’t seen anyone go so far out of their way to avoid water since the Wicked Witch of the West—but I would certainly volunteer the uses of my shower/bathtub/tongue at his convenience.
Anonymous, I’m coming for you!…I write this last section hurriedly, before Andrei gets back. I was going to include the lead character in the 2008 vampire series Blood Ties in my list of sexy vampires, when I saw his picture. The vampire in that show looks exactly like Andrei Trostel! This explains a lot: Andrei’s long hair, which can only have come from centuries of careful grooming (or fifteen minutes in Metallica’s make-up trailer); the impossibly pale skin, which he always told me was because he spent so much time indoors correcting the grammar of every article passing through PIC; his penchant for only dating feisty cheerleader types who hang around with older British librarians; and that time he flew across the office, tore Jonathan Marine’s head clean off and used the resultant fountain of blood to illustrate his column on shaving-related injuries.
Oh shit—he’s back! Damn, why didn’t I order the side of garlic bread with that pizza?!
More in the “Sexiest Halloween Series”: