My hand is cramping from overuse and my palm is clammy and covered in sweat. I don't know how much longer I can last....

No, I'm not masturbating.

I'm taking a blue book exam in English 420.

(The names of the classes and professors involved have been changed to protect the rainforest. And not just any rainforest; FernGully: The Last Rainforest.) Read More »

I like to think of my life as being a lot like Jesus'.

Well actually, that's a lie (which kinda makes me pretty un-Jesus-like right off the bat). I guess when it comes down to it there aren't really many concrete comparisons of any substantial resonance you could make between our lives. I guess what I meant was more akin to the fact that my life has been divided in a fashion that mimics His own, in a way. Read More »

When I was twelve years old I got a ping pong table. My uncle bought it for me in a spontaneous act of good will, and it remains one of my favorite gifts to this day. My quest to dominate that table, and the one he himself got in turn, would take me more than seven years time. Seven years of friendly rivalries, family tournaments, and about as much fun as you can legally have in a basement. Read More »

My garbage disposal is broken.

In fact it's been broken for a while now. Because of this, I have developed a very advanced set of behaviors aimed at dealing with life with a broken garbage disposal. Read More »

« Back to Indecent Proposal, Part 1

The two hours or so in between the initial proposal and when I answered were due to the overwhelming sense of shock that initially washed over me. Eventually I was able to get past my disgust and fuck with the guy. Read More »

Have you ever had a long day? Just one of those mind-numbingly long, nothing-goes-your-way sorta days? One where as time elapses your bed becomes an increasingly welcome recluse? Well, that's how I felt on this particular day. Read More »

He sat on the couch watching a movie, somewhat disdainfully, not really caring or even paying attention to what was happening onscreen. It was some bullshit sci-fi thriller that was weak on plot and heavy on the special effects and bustline of the leading actress. Read More »

The world is split into many different factions depending upon how you choose to divvy it up. A few of these issues catalyze people to a degree that allow for little or no middle ground when things are said and done. It is within the confines of these highly volatile subjects that the world's true nemeses are formed: East vs. West, Liberals vs. Conservatives, Men vs. Women, Autobots vs. Read More »

"How to" lists are extremely popular in all forms of modern day media, from internet humor columns like this one to the blogosphere to popular home and gardening websites. Read More »

« Back to The Gift of Farting on Command, Part 2

Our table was ostracized from the learning environment in our classroom early on. During group activities we would actively try and cheat by using our books, mostly because the rewards for winning these activities were extra points on tests and quizzes we undoubtedly fucked up on. We were the black sheep of sorts. Read More »

The following is an actual email I received from Edy's Ice Cream in response to my letter of complaint about their smaller carton size for the same price. Then after that, my scathing reply.

Dear Mr. Marine, Read More »

There is nothing on earth as nerve wracking as having to call a girl to ask her out. It isn't talked about in plain terms in today's day and age, mostly because men regard this as a sign of weakness, but even the most attractive, suave, in-shape, rich guy in the world has to gather himself a little before he dials up the girl he met at the bar last weekend. Read More »