He sat on the couch watching a movie, somewhat disdainfully, not really caring or even paying attention to what was happening onscreen. It was some bullshit sci-fi thriller that was weak on plot and heavy on the special effects and bustline of the leading actress. Read More »

The world is split into many different factions depending upon how you choose to divvy it up. A few of these issues catalyze people to a degree that allow for little or no middle ground when things are said and done. It is within the confines of these highly volatile subjects that the world's true nemeses are formed: East vs. West, Liberals vs. Conservatives, Men vs. Women, Autobots vs. Read More »

"How to" lists are extremely popular in all forms of modern day media, from internet humor columns like this one to the blogosphere to popular home and gardening websites. Read More »

« Back to The Smoke Fort, Chapter 1

Chapter 2

A little over an hour later, we were parked behind Best Buy smoking yet another fatty-fatty stiff-stiff, tingling with the anticipation of our impending mission. Read More »

Chapter 1
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« Back to The Gift of Farting on Command, Part 2

Our table was ostracized from the learning environment in our classroom early on. During group activities we would actively try and cheat by using our books, mostly because the rewards for winning these activities were extra points on tests and quizzes we undoubtedly fucked up on. We were the black sheep of sorts. Read More »

« Back to The Gift of Farting on Command, Part 1

Casga, Wyro, Ignatius and I were all on the basketball team together and so we knew each other pretty well going into 8^th grade Latin class. However, when the terror bombings first started, the chaos that ensued was so overwhelming to them that they immediately developed an every-man-for-themselves mentality. Read More »

The following is an email I received from Edy's Ice Cream in response to my letter of complaint about their smaller carton size for the same price. Then after that, my scathing reply.

Dear Mr. Marine, Read More »

There is nothing on earth as nerve wracking as having to call a girl to ask her out. It isn't talked about in plain terms in today's day and age, mostly because men regard this as a sign of weakness, but even the most attractive, suave, in-shape, rich guy in the world has to gather himself a little before he dials up the girl he met at the bar last weekend. Read More »

The latest installment in the famous Mario Kart line of gaming is for their Wii console and it's titled Mario Kart Wii. Let's start off by giving Nintendo some points for originality. They must have some real fucking ALL STARS in the name department out in Saigon or wherever the fuck they're coming up with this stuff. Read More »

The day Katie set out to fly her kite for the first time was a big event at the Keeney household. Mr. Keeney had strewn all the parts out on the lawn early one Saturday and had been working on putting it together diligently all morning.  I liked watching him crawl around on his knees scratching his head and yelling indiscriminant things at inanimate objects. Read More »

When I walked into Latin Class on the first day of 8th grade I knew something felt different. It wasn't anything I could explain to you in definite terms at the time, but when I sat down at the grouped-together cluster of four desks in Mr. Curtis' classroom, I felt...empowered.   Read More »

If you went to school during the 1980's then you know all about candy selling contests. I still remember my first one-the glossy pamphlet filled with chocolate covered pretzels, nuts, and all manner of sugary confections, and the most important part of any candy-drive: the prize manual. Read More »