Nothing says Happy Halloween like hot sexy women who look like they can and will tear you apart in a blink of an eye. Something happens to people on Halloween that brings out their inner animal, causing them to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character. Or are they?
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like…well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressing like trashy whores. Let’s be honest here, the only reason an adult male, who can buy as much candy as he wants, would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right? Yeah, I know these comments may seem a little out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
So in honor of Halloween, I’m going to step out of character a bit and reprise my role as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don’t judge my costume and I won’t call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let’s just try and appreciate each other’s costumes in all their extreme glory. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
I’ve always thought about werewolves as a very male-dominated fantasy genre. Maybe it’s all the extreme body hair, the alpha male dog associations, and the grotesque overly-muscled appearance that just makes me, as a straight guy, find them generally not sexually appealing at all. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I find vampires so much more appealing than werewolves and the two seem to be locked in an eternal struggle for dominance. Regardless, last year I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires, so it only seemed right this year to bring you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, granted their title for no other reason than sheer hotness, regardless of how much their movie or show actually bites.
5. Christina Ricci as Ellie in Cursed (2005)
Any day of the week, Christina.I don’t know what it is about Christina Ricci, but something about her does it for me. Maybe it’s the long dark hair (except when she’s blonde or has short hair, but we won’t speak about that). Maybe it’s that sweet innocent smile coupled with those sultry eyes that seem to always convey, "I may look nice, but you have no idea how naughty I really am." Or maybe it’s the fact that she always seems to be type cast as a sexual deviant. Whatever it is, Christina Ricci is smokin’ hot by all accounts.
Okay fine, I’m not going to lie, it’s actually the fact that she played Wednesday Addams in The Addams Family and thus in my mind is the quintessential pigtailed, vampire-like, gothic schoolgirl who is now all grown up. What can I say, I have a weakness for Suicide Girls, so sue me.
Anyway, put Christina Ricci in a movie as a female werewolf and I have to give her a spot in the top five sexiest female werewolves, even if she did betray her vampiric tendencies. Seriously Christina, you’re breaking my heart. Why not just bite the silver bullet and come back to us by starring as a sultry blood sucking vixen in the next vampire movie and we’ll just forget about your little werewolf experimental phase. Regardless, Christina, Cursed wasn’t a terrible movie as far as werewolf movies go and I would certainly let you tear me apart any day of the week.
4. Katharine Isabelle as Ginger in Ginger Snaps (2000)
Oh snap! It’s Ginger and she’s smokin’ hot now.When you think about sexy female werewolves you simply can’t help but think of Katharine Isabelle from Ginger Snaps. Whether the movie uses becoming a werewolf as a metaphor for a girl going through puberty or not, one thing is clear and that is that Katharine Isabelle is gushing with sex appeal in this movie. Again, maybe it’s the whole suburban goth girl outcast thing that does it for me, but let me say this much, any long-haired girl with streaks of an unnatural hair color, who wears a choker necklace, is a sexual force to be reckoned with. You can quote me on that. Watching Ginger develop from a social misfit into a ravenous seductress is nothing short of simply delicious, even if the movie itself was marginal at best and you found yourself wishing the entire time that she would just eat her sister if only to make that twat finally shut the fuck up.
On a side note, Katharine Isabelle recently appeared in the straight-to-video sequel, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days, where she played vampire food for all intents and purposes. Personally, I would have liked to see her cross over completely and play a vampire instead of a whiny victim. However, I did find it interesting that she chose to be in a vampire film after her recurring werewolf roles. Either way, Katharine, I would let you ravage me regardless of what time of the month it was.
3. Anna Paquin as Laurie in Trick ‘r Treat (2007)
My, what big lips you have.Do you know what you get when you combine Anna Paquin and a self-conscious 22-year-old virgin who dresses up as Little Red Riding Hood on Halloween in order to lure a man into the woods so she can make him her first conquest? A spot in the top five sexiest female werewolves, that’s what.
Everything about this scenario is brilliant, from the portrayed innocence of Laurie, to the contrasting promiscuous hot sister and her partying friends, to the character’s ironic costume choice, all the way down to the final revelation that Laurie has been the actual predator in the woods the entire time. The movie itself is a decent compilation of four separate stories woven together and delivered in the enjoyable fashion of the old horror comic book movies, like Tales from the Crypt or Creepshow. Paquin is simply delicious-looking in her Little Red Riding Hood costume, and her sister and the sexy friends, dressed as Cinderella, Little Bo Peep, and Snow White, make them quite a nice little pack of hotties that very few men could resist following into the woods for a party, even if things did end up getting a little hairy from there. In addition, all the other arousing women at the party in their slutty costumes makes me want to go out and buy a Three Wolf Moon shirt, just to level the playing field.
I want to point out that although Anna Paquin is playing a werewolf in this movie, she then went on to portray Sookie Stackhouse in True Blood, as the quintessential fangbanger. In fact, she enjoyed being a fangbanger so much that in real life she went on to marry her vampire portraying costar, Stephen Moyer. I think we can all agree where her loyalties lie in the whole werewolf vs. vampire fantasy struggle. Nevertheless, Anna, whether in a Little Red Riding Hood costume or not, you can ride me all you want!
2. Mia Kirshner as Ruby Wilder in Wolf Lake (2001-2002)
I’ll be as dirty as you like, Ruby Wilder/Cates/Creed, or whatever your name is.Exactly one and a half minutes into the first episode of this TV series set in the Pacific Northwest, Mia Kirshner quite literally leaps out of an armoire, jumps on top of Lou Diamond Phillips, pins him down, and begins to have her way with him. Of course, Lou Diamond Phillips then responds like any normal guy would by stopping her and saying, "Alright, let me get in the shower." WAIT, WTF?! A woman fucking jumps out of a piece of furniture to attack you sexually, and you want to go take a goddamn shower?! I guess it comes as no surprise that this show was cancelled after nine episodes. I mean who the hell wrote this, the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Fab 5?!
You would have expected Mia to then quickly climb off of the gay man and start putting the guy’s obviously well-coordinated and extensive wardrobe back into the armoire that she would have had to empty in order to climb inside. But no, without missing a beat she looks up at him, from what I can only imagine is a completely flaccid cock, and responds, "No, I like you dirty" and proceeds to take her top off and continues with her original plan of being the first woman ever to fuck a gay man until he betrays his biology and turns straight for her.
As if that wasn’t enough for you to decide that Mia Kirshner in this series is about as sexy as it gets, in the next scene the gay guy asks her, as she is getting dressed and about to leave, "Where are you going?" Get this, she responds, "I’m not going to eat soup out of a cup one more night. You want Chinese, or pizza?" (The last part is even said with a little playful accent too.) SHE’S GOING OUT TO GET THIS FUCKING TOOL CHINESE FOOD OR PIZZA!!! It should come as no surprise that the "previously" gay guy then asks her to move in, and 30 seconds later modifies it to, "Marry me and have my children." Well done, Mia, well done indeed. I don’t think I need to convince anyone why she is a lock for the number two spot on this list.
Along the whole werewolf vs. vampire theme I’ve got going here, I want to point out that the sizzling Mia Kirshner later went on to play Isobel in The Vampire Diaries as well as the vampire queen Lilith that ordered the devouring of Katharine Isabelle in 30 Days of Night: Dark Days. Another fun fact: Paul Wesley who plays Stefan Salvatore in the The Vampire Diaries was Ruby’s brother in Wolf Lake. You starting to see a pattern developing here? It seems that a lot of people who play werewolves later decide that vampires are ultimately better. I’m just saying. Oh and not for nothing, Mia, but you can jump out of my armoire any fucking day!
1. Natassia Malthe as Sonja in Skinwalkers (2006)
Look at her, it’s almost as if her kiss itself could kill you.I’m sure it doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone who reads this column, or knows me personally, that the long-haired, half-Asian woman comes in at number one on this list. Seriously, it doesn’t get any hotter than Natassia Malthe riding a motorcycle, shooting guns, and being a general badass, all the while in a leather bikini top. Sure, the movie pretty much bites, but her fine ass and sexy attitude is enough to make me want to watch it again.
Oh and there is that little scene after a kill, where she fucks the alpha male in the woods every which way she can. Then, while getting cleaned up afterwards, she catches another male in her pack actually sniffing the air around her which must be filled with her sexual scent and she just rolls her eyes at him. When he blocks her way and says, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you might even like it if you try it," she just looks him up and down and totally dogs him by whispering right to his face, "Not in this lifetime." The guy is then left actually howling for her in a semi-wounded manner. Say what you like, but you have to kind of respect a woman with enough sexual confidence to dress like a sexy, kick-ass biker whore, but who also is completely monogamous and loyal to her man regardless. Now that woman is a keeper, or at least someone to go on a killing rampage with, followed by a fuckfest in the woods. At the very least it buys Natassia the number one spot in a very short list of the sexiest female werewolves.
It should be noted that Natassia later went on to play Rayne, the half-human/half-vampire (Dhampir) warrior in BloodRayne: Deliverance and BloodRayne: The Third Reich. So clearly Natassia has also decided where her loyalties are in the werewolves vs. vampire eternal struggle. I mean sure, technically Rayne kills vampires, but everyone has issues and it isn’t like killing their own kind has ever been a major problem in the politics of either of these species. The point is that, as an actress, she went from a werewolf movie to a vampire movie like so many others have before her. Congratulations, Natassia, for earning the number one spot. I only have one thing to say to you: "Anytime in this lifetime Natassia…. Anytime."
So there you have it, the top five sexiest female werewolves, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). While there were others that didn’t make the top five, but would have certainly made the top ten, such as Julia Jones (Leah from Eclipse 2010), Michelle Pfeiffer (Laura from Wolf 1994), Julie Delphy (Serafine from American Werewolf in Paris 1997), Agnes Bruckner (Vivian from Blood and Chocolate 2007) and Jenny Mollen (Nina from Angel-Unleashed 2003), I can’t help but notice how few women actually play werewolves. Maybe it’s too much of a self-deprecating role for women, with the obvious stigma of playing a character who uncontrollably becomes a crazed monster every 28 days, or has all this unwanted body hair, or the fact that they are then technically classified as actual bitches, or maybe it’s just the simple fact that women know what it means to be sexy and they know that vampires will always be hotter than werewolves, despite the whole body temperature thing. I’ll say one thing though, a major bonus when it comes to sexy female werewolves is that they always want to do it doggie-style.
Happy Halloween everyone!
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