Mornin', Magical Molluscs!

Well, Spain has gone home with the World Cup (or statue; thanks Andrei!), the various team captains are chained nude in the dry well in my baseme...er, returning  to their home countries; and Paul the Psychic Octopus, who successfully predicted the winner of each and every match, has officially retired back to the bottom of the sea to spend his winnings on Aqua-whores with Ariel and Sebastian (you didn't think he was giving the stuff out for free, did you?) rather than ending up in seafood gumbo or squid ink pasta. Read More »

Ciao, Cenotaphs,

One of the disadvantages of Mortality is this whole "Death" thing. Oh sure, you might have been a race-car driving, crime-fighting playboy neurosurgeon who owned a conglomerate of carbon neutral orphanages for baby seals, but one fatal mistake and you'll be "that guy who died with the beehive up his arse." People, please try and shuffle off this mortal coil in dignified circumstances, lest you find yourselvs turning up your toes under an eternal monument like one of these... Read More »

Dasvidanye, Dreamers!

Horror movie posterboy Freddy Krueger, has been played by actor Robert Englund since 1984. That all changed this month when the remake of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET was released and the Man of Your Dreams was played by WATCHMEN's Jackie Earl Haley. And Haley did a bang up, creepy job that succeeded in escaping Englund's razor-fingered shadow and making the role his own. Read More »

Ia, Insectivores!

Your Entomological Word of the Day: Read More »

Aloha, Anurans!

I never thought I'd see the day when an Australian gave up the fight against our lethally-venomous, spined, poisonous, or just plain curmudgeonly bad-assed flora and fauna (as I write this, my niece is fending off a dingo with her broken baby formula bottle) but the Australian Government released a statement this week that our war against the Cane Toad is lost. Read More »

Bonjour, Big Birds!

Today, your Accident-Attracting Antipodean Auteur once again spent some time being taught some fucked up life lessons at the School of Randomly Bizarre Happenings, which I have been unwilling enrolled in for some time now, and which apparently holds weekend classes. Here's some highlights from today's curriculum of chaos. Read More »

Ciao, Cupids!

Like the guy with the sweet ass and the spinnerets says, "with great power comes great responsibility". Read More »

Viva Videodromers!

Well, 2009 was quite a mixed popcorn bag, cinematically speaking. For every delicious fluffy nugget of yummy cinematic goodness, there were the films that stood in for the awful, tasteless shit they put on the popcorn that I have no difficulty whatsoever believing is not butter. Read More »

Yello, Yuletiders!!

You might find references to some of your jolly scrobe's own personal favourite Seasonal Slaughterfests in the following merry little traditional carol that I just this moment made up to wish you all a Happy Holiday season...

'Twas the night before Christmas, and in his house in R'lyeh, Read More »

Zounds, Xenomorphs!

This week finds your antipodean agony aunt pondering what kind of blase, seen-it-all-before world can be faced with a possible First Contact between Homo sapiens and honest-to-goodness Extra-Terrestrial lifeforms and collectively say "Aliens? That's nice...is GLEE on yet?" Read More »

 G'Day, Grinches!

Has going to the mall for supplies become a nightmarish descent into a bizarre realm of animatronic talking/singing Santa dolls and elevator musak versions of "The Little Drummer Boy?" Are you contemplating garotting strolling mall carolers with tinsel? Are you willing to wait in line for an hour just to yank Santa's beard off in front of dozens of horrified toddlers? Rest easy, Gargamels of the world, as your Scroogey Scribe is about to share with you his patented Read More »

Ciao Cupids!

Sick of all the constant sweaty beast humping and rapturous romance with countless gorgeous members of the opposite/same sex, but you can't afford the montly payments for World of Warcraft and don't want to hack off your genitals with a rusty cleaver, become a catholic priest or something equally painful? Well, now there's no need. Just follow your friendly scribes advice and you'll be desperate and dateless in no-time! Read More »

Bonjour, Best-Men!

Well, this week finds the Religious Rong winning another battle against love, compassion and fairness (honestly, American fundamentalist Christians seem so diametrically opposed to everything that nice Jewish boy Jesus Christ stood for they might as well just cut out the middle man and call themselves Satanists) by joining California's battle-cry of "Constitution, Schmonstitution!" and outlawing Gay Marriage in that state. Read More »

Bonjour, Bandagers!

You may not know it to look at me, but I belong to a minority group (no, not that one). It's a group of people who are sadly endangered across the globe (usually by ourselves) and talked about in hushed whispers—lest we hear you talking about us, come over and you enter the radius of dangerous proximity.

Yes friends, I am accident prone. Read More »

Salutations, Sarcophages!

Spleen-melting viruses that cross the species barrier from animal to human faster than Scooby Doo and Norville "Shaggy" Rogers after a few Ecstasy tabs too many; Homophobic racists openly tea-bagging each other in the streets and Sydney's skies turning blood-red (not due to the wildlife for once)... Clearly the world is just about due for the Global Zombie Apocalypse foretold aeons ago in Judy Blume's chillingly prophetic "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret" (What? You thought it was just censorship over-reaction?! The world's libraries keep banning Blume's books for your own good!) Read More »