Now, as the title may have informed you, this article, this entire post, is about nothing. I can assure you that if you are to continue reading, you will not gain any perspective, knowledge, or enlightenment from this particular piece of writing. There isn’t going to be a random switch in topic. You won’t find a point hidden in between lines. And I promise you that if you look at the first word of every line, any phrases you find are purely coincidence. You will, however, be entertained.

“So, how is he going to keep my attention for 815 words?” is what I’m going to pretend to assume you’re thinking. Luckily for you, I’m just the person who can answer that question. I could tell you the answer, or, I could just let you discover the answer. And isn’t that more fun? I always prefer to discover things, rather than be told them. That’s just me personally, though. I don’t want you to think that that is an attempt to instill values in you. It isn’t. So since I haven’t revealed the answer yet, I would highly recommend continuing to read.

A strategy I am going to use in order to keep your attention for this next paragraph is to use flowery language in order to entertain the creative portion of your mind. Strap in.

Without further ado, the next paragraph will speak on behalf of diagrams, charts, and graphs that do not exist.

Mammoth-sized words sit perched on the page. The words haven’t any meaning, and haven’t any purpose. Each syllable more unavailing than the last. The arrogant author’s rhetoric flows across the resilient readers’ eyes with ease. The vernacular becoming more and more dense. Each additional locution thwarting the onlookers’ brains into suspecting point and purpose, only to be escorted to yet another anticlimax. But, with a glint of faith and passion for perseverance, the reader treks on. Hoping to find a truly unavailable pot of gold at the end of this brutally honest rainbow, which has been telling the reader that no such gold exists.

Full-disclosure, that paragraph took me several minutes to write. Even when writing about nothing, writing well is important (this is not a lesson I am teaching you. This was a coincidental side-effect of the above paragraph). I hope you enjoyed that string of sentences. I don’t know why you would, there wasn’t a point to them. But if you did, that is sincerely wonderful.

At this time, I would like you to take note of the diagrams, charts, and graphs I have asked the editor to include with this article. Before continuing, I should mention that I did not actually ask the editor to include any diagrams, charts, or graphs with this article. The same amount of information will be displayed with or without them. So, without further ado, the next paragraph will speak on behalf of diagrams, charts, and graphs that do not exist.

Woah! Look at that diagram! And that chart! Hey, Mark, have you seen this graph over here? It’s wild! This is one heck of a Venn diagram, too. The overlapping portion is revealing a ton of information about those two, seemingly unrelated topics! Charts are extremely similar to graphs, so I don’t even need to mention the importance of them. Moving on. As you can clearly tell, the orange portion of the graph is much larger than the burnt-orange portion of the pie-graph. That indicates something about it! If I were in charge of titling that pie-graph, I would entitle it “A Pie-Graph That Shows Data in the Shape and Color of an Orange and Burnt-Orange Pie.” That title seems accurate, representative, and important.

If, and only if, this article had purpose, now would be about the time where I was making a point. This would be the climax. The culmination. The peak, highpoint, pinnacle. The height of the story, the zenith, the apex. The one true summit of the story. But alas, there is no point. So instead, I’m using shorter sentences. They’re quick and choppy. They help time pass quicker. Like a lot was going on right now. But as you know, there isn’t anything going on right now. Deceived, again. Still. No. Point.

We’re really wrapping up now. If the above paragraph was the climax of the story (which, again, it was not because there is no story), that would make this paragraph the resolution. The part where it all comes together. Depending on the type of writer I am, I could either spell it all out for you, or leave you to figure it out for yourself. If there was a message, I could say, “and, when all was said and done, this is the message. This is what you should take away from the above words. Here, go enjoy this new perspective.” Or, I could be coy. “Woah, look at all that information. I wonder if it means something…”

I can assure you, it does not.

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